G'day, A.J. Mahari here hello and welcome to the channel this video I'm
gonna be talking about borderline quote love unquote why it just ends does the
borderline love you so intensely and so passionately and so much and then all of
a sudden they don't or all of a sudden one day they don't or in moments of time
they don't this is commonly it's associated with and explained by
splitting idealize you everything's terrific and wonderful then they get
triggered as something happens or they don't something happens inside of them
and they they feel differently all of a sudden and now they're devaluing you
because they can't stand their own mood state don't understand it don't know how
to regulate it don't know what to do about it
that's there for sure and that plays a big part in this but how is it that so
many people out there and maybe you're one who has not yet realized this maybe
you're one who's been through this maybe you're one going through someone going
through this now the person with borderline personality that you would
love is so intensely seemingly but as far as you know loving you so much to
they might even be telling you that you are the greatest love they've ever been
with that you are the best looking man or woman they've ever been with you are
just the person that they feel the most love for and you are the closest to them
that anyone in their life has ever been because you're just simply amazing
well that's idealization at its best and not to take anything away from you I am
sure that you have a the ability to love to be very kind to give but the more
that you are very kind the more you do have to give the more you actually do
love the person with borderline personality then you're gonna come
bashing at some points or other into this really divergent opposite
experience of wow this is great and the intimacy and the relations are the best
you've ever had and this is fantastic and they love you so much because in all
that idealisation it really feels that way it really seems like that does that
mean it's really like that for the person with BPD well yeah sorta
pretty much but guess what they also have anxiety they also have push-pull
they have a lot of things starting to happen for them as they get close with
anyone that even if they're so managing to maintain that idealization the clock
has already started to tick on that people of course before they know what's
happening or you go through a painful breakup on knop again cycle and/or break
up or get ghosted or discarded the question I'm here to answer in this
video is how can the borderline love you so very much for whatever period of time
or seemingly for for a while maybe there's a few bumps in here and here and
there but they're still really you believe as far as you can tell what
you're experiencing what you're feeling they really love you so passionately and
so intensely and then like many clients I'm working with now many clients over
the last 30 years will say as people write about online answers comments on
my channel saying well okay so this was the case and it was great relationship
and I really loved him or her and then all of a sudden you know they told me
one night or one morning that I was the best partner they'd ever had physical
relations and in every other way you're the closest to them ever that they tell
you this and then all of a sudden they're either breaking up with you
they've stepped out and now they're cheating on
and you find this out it comes to light at a certain point for everybody I mean
that it happens to or they just goes to scarred cut you off they're gone now
what because besides the world of hurt pain but how could you not be in
disbelief because you've been told that you're the closest to them ever and that
they love you so much and they love so intensely and passionately and you've
been idealized and everything has been seemingly wonderful or pretty much
everything many people who I've worked with over the years in working with now
they say it was really good it was really good and then all of a sudden it
was either there was you know on-again off-again issues and struggles or the
person was just gone they just left they might have sent a
text message or something in this day and age and said you know I'm done that
said don't contact me ever again how are you supposed to figure out what what is
that about what happened the first thing to know is it's very common
unfortunately for many people with PPD to do this in relationships with others
and that it's not just happening to you but when it's happening to you it's very
painful and it's very confusing and that this is the borderline out of sight out
of mind and needing you to be out of mind to be out of sight because they're
feeling engulfed they're feeling like they're about to be annihilated which is
really the at the opposite end of the fear of abandonment so it's not
unrelated to that but it's sort of at the other end of that scale so to speak
and people with BPD having arrested emotional development by the age of two
really have this childlike way of whatever they feel however they are
relating that it is one minute the best in the world or for a time
or maybe off and on somewhat and then the next thing you know it doesn't exist
anymore it's gone and this is a very young child like reality of those with
BPD who haven't yet got treatment etc or don't know they have BPD don't know what
the problems are this happens on a subconscious level and it is that
reality of a young child emotionally that just has you in mind in sight in
front of them you're real and then all of a sudden you're not real can't be
trusted but they don't feel like they can trust
they don't even know all this it happened so quickly so then you are out
of sight and you are out of mind and it really speaks more than to splitting
like the idealization to valuations but because sometimes this happened so
quickly in what will be for many many people with BPD a final end of seeing
you your existence will be canceled out to them subconsciously but that's all
they'll know consciously therefore they protect it out onto you and there is no
coming back and if you try to come back or they come back or you go around again
it happens faster and more and more and most of them aren't coming back and
there is no coming back once this occurs with inside the person with BPD because
you're out of sight out of mind is not reversible
when moments are telling you the greatest person in their life ever
and they're looking forward to the future etc and it could be ten minutes
later a matter of hours later a couple of days later and boom they're done it's
over they discard they ghost they give you the text they tell you I'm out of
here it's that's it don't contact me ever again and they don't even really
know why but one thing they feel in a compelling way is again in the attempt
to attack because they don't really attach and in
all their attempts to love because they don't really know how to love and all
their attempts to receive your love because they don't really know how to do
that either they then just come to this place that is the apex of the repetition
compulsion that they experience an interrupted attachment at a very young
age a screeching halt to nothingness they don't understand it and they can
explain it but what it is is it is that instantaneous moment relived of a
ruptured otherwise perhaps beginning of relationship beginning of attachment
that then just gets cut off and doesn't go any further so this is really the out
of sight out of mind andr then out of mind and then out of
sight that happens instantaneously for people with BPD do not have a stable
sense of self from which to create attachment feel attachment feel real
with attachment and and take in and accept and know and trust your
attachment to them your love for them they don't know how to give the love of
course intellectually they think it's all different and that's what they're
really operating on is some intellectual understanding of something like that
would feel good that does feel good when they tell themselves that and when they
share that with you but it is this really repetition compulsion driven
re-experiencing of the apex that moment of the ruptured relationship the when
the attachment was either totally cut off or severely interrupted in a very
young infant when they were young infants too early toddlers and that is
as far as they can go emotionally and they don't understand it because it is
buried deep within their sub consciousness and this is why and how
you go from being bass the closest this is the greatest
all the future plans because they don't really feel this they might feel it but
they don't they're not attached to it they don't have any mechanism of
emotional capability to cope with it and then BAM you're just gonna be out of
mind and out of sight out of sight out of mind at the same time and even if you
could have that last conversation with them or four people that have tried or
gotten that these people with BPD who will have this going on and haven't had
any treatment they have no way to explain it and that's why they think
it's you that they just project it out all well it must've been something he
did must be you I must have been wrong about you because these are essentially
the very young arrested from the Arrested Development the very young
feelings that they've had all their life about usually mother but but that
experience of that interrupted attachment or a lack of attachment well
it wasn't really real and they can't trust this without it being a conscious
knowing there's a deeper intuitive or primal knowing that there's just a point
beyond which it's just they can't go they don't know how to go there and then
they fight with the intellect versus what they don't know that's going on in
their subconscious because the self has evacuated went by the age of two and
they have this arrested emotional development and if it's not repaired if
it's not healed in therapy this is the best they can do this is the furthest
they can go and then it all stops and when it stops for most not all that's it
and there's no getting back and for some they might try again etc but they're
going to keep coming back to that place where attachment or that the beginning
of attachment started or didn't kind of happen or started and ruptured was
interrupted stopped and created the arrested emotional development that
creates what BPD really is because it's a response
to that horrific pain as a young child when what human beings need to survive
and to mature and to grow emotionally through the rest of early childhood
development does not happen so I hope this helps you to understand it but it
in no way makes anything less painful and this is the point at which I can
help people to work on healing and recovering and dealing with that
horrific pain and what does it mean and the many ways that not only it hurts and
devastates people but that it also for many hits back on a core woundedness
from your own childhood to a level of codependency or you might be an empath
or something that we can't even label but it not only presents you with a
world of hurt in here now but for many people there's an underpinning primal
something from your own childhood that it also in in a different way replicates
and this is where I do the family of origin and the self differentiation and
the inner child healing work with so many people who've just gone through
this devastation and to understand it and yes some people with BPD might come
back and try again but if you allow that you're going to go through the same
thing more quickly and it's gonna hurt even more and so there if they cycle
back if they Hoover back nothing's going to change and the same thing is gonna
happen to time and time and time again and they don't understand what's
happening and I don't mean to say that that's any in any way to be insulting to
those with BPD because this is not about their intellect this is about something
that happened emotionally that one has to get really into and all the way
through a process in psychodynamic therapy to recovery to even know this
and I know this from the inside out it is undeniable that the interrupted the
lack of or the interruption attachment is the out of sight out of
mind setting aside from self the other not
having self reference not having other reference therefore everything that just
happened whatever that was they don't really understand at all consciously it
was you because you then represent the object other that it was in their
infancy they didn't create this they didn't make this happen it happened
to them and therefore now you stand-in in their lack of understanding but
intellectually they will scramble and it will become all your fault and it was
you and even if you do continue to want that conversation or to hope to be
hoovered you're in for only increasing world of hurt these things do not change
unless until someone gets a lot of therapy to the point of pretty much
recovered and that still today is way fewer people then one would hope it
would be with BPD who are going to get to full recovery the cycles go round and
now what you need to ask yourself where in retrospect or if you're still
struggling with this in one way or another is what can you do to help
yourself perhaps working with me if you resonate with me to understand this more
to go forward to do the family of origin work your own healing self
differentiation inner child healing where this likely you've experienced
something similar and it can't really get into in this video why that's often
the case the point is you need to know more and you need to know more about
yourself and your way for the healing is not in going around this cycle again
with the person with PPD not having a relationship with another person with
BPD not rushing into the next relationship it's knowing yourself
better than it's healing it is one of the most devastating things that can
happen to somebody who truly is loving somebody but you're loving somebody who
essentially you're finding out or you've just found out or you've already found
that before and you might still be struggling or you might be further down
in your own healing you're loving somebody that does not emotionally like
a exist they're not who not pretend to be
but they're not who they act as if they think they are because they're doing the
best they can but it really there's not anything there to hold together their
relational efforts they don't have the ability to attach they don't have the
ability to love they don't have the ability to receive love kindness in any
lasting way