(funky music)
Ugh, I'm losing money on 'Base-
Coinbase.
It's not funny.
Oh, lots happening, Golden Globes were this weekend.
Netflix won ten Golden Globes.
Even Tom Brady said that was a bit much.
Golden Globes are real.
I know they talk about the race issue,
but the fact that you do have to sort of
put on a little show for the Golden Globes people.
That's been since the beginning of my career.
On Just Shoot Me, where I was up for two.
Let's not focus on that.
But- and I lost.
Actually, when I got my Emmy...
I didn't win an Emmy.
They go, "David Hyde Pierce,"
and I go (makes wilting noise).
I actually made a little stutter step.
I actually- they played it back, like offsides,
you know, in football, they're like, "Ah, you moved!"
So embarrassing.
But the Golden Globes, which I love,
and believe me, if I get nominated, I'll run on there.
(making fast sound)
But you do have to, we had to...
There's shows I've worked on where they say,
"Well we gotta have a party for 'em
or it's not gonna happen.
You know, no one's gonna get nominated."
So that's the tricky part.
There is something real to that.
You know, I'm on Just Shoot Me.
I'm pushing 'em on swings, around the teeter-totter.
Whatever they want, you know.
Go to Disneyland!
"Wait in line at the Matterhorn for an hour,
and then I'll come in at the very end, and jump in."
I'm like, "Okay, whatever you want."
Or is it a seesaw?
What's the difference?
Is there a difference, Heather,
between a teeter-totter and a seesaw?
That's a great question. I'll let you think about it.
You didn't fucking know anything.
Instead of doing all these things to get nominated,
it's almost like you should just do a better movie
or show.
That's not the way I roll.
And you know what, who cares?
So I have one less trophy on my trophy shelf.
(bell dinging)
And I've heard about the latest ruckus.
I don't think I'm going too far when I say,
we need to beat the shit out of Dr. Seuss.
I mean, I've thought this since I was three.
I think he's one of The Sneetches.
I don't know...
I don't know which one, though.
Actually, I don't know what's going on.
I'm not gonna comment.
But you know what?
That twat, Mother Goose,
she needs at least a strong talking to,
while we're at it.
I saw the Woody Allen thing,
and I just wanted to say that it is,
you know, you never know who's right and wrong.
Mia Farrow was really the original Angelina Jolie.
She had all those kids.
You see that she has a lot of adopted kids.
And Woody...
I will say, I don't know who's right.
When you do marry your step-daughter,
it does look bad on the resume.
That's a red flag.
Even ZipRecruiter would probably agree
that the red flag store has gone out of business
when you go,
"Listen, I'm not a molester."
"I understand it looks a little didactic and facetious."
"Married the kid, but you know,"
"don't put two and two together, it's different arithmetic."
They go, "What do you- uh, had your face in the kid's ah...
six-year-old's crotch."
"What were you doing there?"
"Understandable question."
"Avoided, best way I can possibly."
"It's funny,"
"I was just munching her out."
"Ooo, bad answer..."
"Retract."
"Let me tell you something."
"It's getting to where"
"you can't even finger your kids anymore."
"Causes a real ruckus."
That's my Woody.
It's pretty good, right?
Hmm, that's not a "yes".
Okay.
Here's what you came for, the jokes.
People send me jokes on DMs.
I don't wanna... these jokes are fine.
They're like, "I'll write you fuckin' good jokes,"
but I like these.
In Italy a 59-year-old weightlifter
just broke a Guinness record
by holding a 220-pound deadlift for over six minutes.
The Italian man said, "The toughest thing
was going without a cigarette for six minutes."
I like that one.
Police in England seized 80 illegally imported
alligator heads from a guy's home.
The guy said,
"How am I supposed to impress my Hinge dates?"
It's not cool.
Can they just say "Tinder"? Don't make me say "Hinge dates."
It's not..
It's comedy 101.
An Iranian cleric says- I don't even know what that is.
...cleric says the COVID-19 vaccine can make you gay.
Oh boy.
I can't wait for the new show,
"Queer Eye For The Newly Vaccinated Guy."
See that joke was like, boom, boom, boom.
You get it.
A car was fined by the California Highway Patrol
for driving in a carpool lane
with a mannequin in the passenger seat.
And the mannequin still had less plastic surgery
than the average Californian.
Awe, that's a cutie.
It's not a great one, it's a cutie.
(fart sound effect)
(chuckling)
Actor Tom Holland said he ran in a trash bag
to lose 27 pounds for a movie.
Joaquin Phoenix said,
"Dude, I'm playing a trash bag in my next movie."
Everyone's like, whoo, mind blown
(explosion sound effect)
Joaquin's good, he's great.
He's a friend.
Sorta.
Lady Gaga's French bulldogs are safe at home.
Isn't that great?
(dog barking sound effect)
Now the police are starting to focus
on the dog walker that got shot in the chest.
They were like, "What are we forgetting?"
"That guy."
You know what they should do?
If I was a cop, you get in an alley,
and then you try to lure in the bad guys like this.
(squeaky chew-toy sound effect)
And then they go, "Hey is there a rich dog in here?"
And then they put a bag over 'em and nab 'em.
Easy.
A doctor in California called in on Zoom to traffic court,
to do his court-
but he was actually in the middle of a surgery.
Look, do you really want to get your tits done
by some nerd that drives the speed limit?
I like this guy.
You know, give me Dr. Life In The Fast Lane.
Did the best with that one I could.
People are selling parts of the Amazon rainforest
on Facebook Marketplace.
I normally get my poison dart frogs on Etsy.
But you know what?
I'll check it out.
I like a little competition.
Royal Caribbean is offering fully vaccinated cruises.
Now the only thing that will get you violently ill
is everything in the buffet.
(squeaky chew-toy sound effect)