[whispering]
[Dad yawns] What a day!
Work sure is a lot harder without Marty there to do it for me.
I can't believe Frisbee killed Marty.
Huh.
[ghostly whoosh]
Well, the only thing Dad wants to work on now is another episode of Walker Texas Ranger.
[Walker:] Whenever you're ready. Make your move.
[TV announcer:] It's Walker!
A cop in a class of his own.
[fighting noises, rock music]
[Walker:] Do you have any hard evidence supporting this assassination idea?
[Announcer:] Stay tuned after tonight's episode of Walker Texas Ranger
for the premiere of Network's new show:
Dadass! [dramatic music]
[gun clicks]
[gunfire]
[gun clicks]
[Announcer:] Crime guys have taken over what used to be a nice, peaceful town.
[gunfire, guttural groan]
Shooting guns... [more gunfire and groans]
...everywhere. [gunfire, laughter]
The one behind it all...
is Drug Man,
ordering the crime guys to do crimes day and night.
But one man stands in their way.
A normal, unassuming dad!
[gravelly voice] Well, there's only two of us in this house, and I didn't touch the thermostat!
[Announcer:] An action-packed drama...
jammed with endless dad jokes.
Hey... it takes guts to be an organ donor.
[chuckles]
[guttural growl]
[groans in pain]
This is why I never trust stairs...
they're always up to something.
[Announcer:] And I mean endless.
[gunfire]
But does he have what it takes...
[evil laugh]
to take down psychos with crime guns?
Hey.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent. [chuckles]
[Announcer:] TV Guide calls it,
"The perfect show for men 40 and over
who wish they were someone else."
[Crime Guy:] [grunts] Tagging is cool!
[thump] [Dadass:] Tag.
You're it. [Crime Guys groan]
[guttural growl]
[Dadass groans]
You know, I used to hate facial hair...
and then it grew on me.
[groans]
[Dadass:] Take a nap.
Otherwise, I'll tell the police...
you were resisting- a rest. [Crime Guy groans]
Good boy.
Give me more drugs!
[guttural noise]
[Dadass:] Hey!
[loud explosion]
My drugs!
[guttural noise, bike clinking]
[Dadass:] Why couldn't the bike stand up itself?
Why?!
Because it was too tired.
[grunt]
That one was... wheely good.
[Announcer:] It's like Die Hard, but the guy is an actual everyman.
Well, it's actually like if Don Knotts and Bill Gates had a baby.
Then that baby is the one who beats up this guy.
But this guy somehow still got a show.
If there's one thing that makes this dad mad, it's naughty bois.
[laughing]
He's vowed to track down every crime guy, and teach them some manners.
[gunfire]
I got the million bucks from IHOP!
Nice! Boss is gonna be real happy.
[Maniacal laughter and gunfire]
Crime!
What's a pancake's job in a baseball game?
What?!
[Dadass:] Batter! [Crime Guy #2 Screaming]
I hate pancakes!
Good, because I'm serving pain-cakes!
[Crime Guy #1 screaming]
[Announcer:] One thing he has that Drug Man doesn't:
Dad reflexes.
What... is going on out there?
Sorry Boss, we haven't been able to do crime because there's a dad messing it all up!
Are you telling me...
That you're being overpowered by some bald... single... dad.
Yeah... but he's really tough!
And he's got like, really funny jokes!
DAAAARN IIIIIIIIIIT!
[Announcer:] He's a real badass dad.
But you can call him.... Dadass.
Tuesdays at 8, on Network TV Channel.
[laughing, gunfire]
[Crime Guy:] Oh, shot the camera guy.
[continuous droning hum]