♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
EASTER IS NEXT WEEKEND WHEN WE CELEBRATE JESUS' MIRACULOUS
RISING BY GOING TO BRURCH AND SEEING IF WE CAN STILL STAND UP
AFTER A BOTTOMLESS MIMIMOSSA AND WAFFLE BAR.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF PAINTED EGGS, CHOCOLATES, AND ALSO
EASTER CARDS.
BUT ALL GREETING CARDS HAD TO START SOMEWHERE AND THE PEOPLE
WHO WRITE THEM DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE FIRST TRY.
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME EARLY
EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT, "FIRST DRAFTS."
>> NO, NO!
STUPID!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OF COURSE, FOR ALL
FIRST DRAFTS, I NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE.
AND THE ONLY AUDIENCE I EVER HAVE ANY MORE AND THE ONLY ONE I
WILL EVER NEED IS MY WIFE, EVIE.
EVIE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> HERE I AM AGAIN.
>> Stephen: I HAVE AN EASTER PRESENT FOR YOU.
I'M SURE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE YOU GO.
>> THAT'S SO EXCITING!
>> Stephen: I CAN'T TELL IT'S EITHER EASTER OR MOTHER'S DAY.
ONE OF THOSE TWO.
SHALL WE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AHHH!
WELL.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
>> Stephen: ISN'T THAT TASTY.
YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS, EVIE, YOU'VE BEEN HERE MANY TIMES.
>> I DO.
I'M A PRO.
>> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME GREAT EASTER CARDS
AND THE NOT-SO-GREAT FIRST DRAFTS.
WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING ON TO THAT ONE RIGHT HERE.
I'LL MOVE THIS SO WE DON'T SPILL ANYTHING.
FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW EASTER IS MAYBE YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY,
RIGHT?
>> I LOVE EASTER, YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT IT, EV?
>> ASIDE FROM, YOU KNOW, CHRIST HAS RIZEN AND ALL THAT?
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, AND THEN
WE ALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE AND THAT KIND OF STUFF.
>> THERE'S CANDY.
>> Stephen: THERE'S CANDY, AND IT'S SPRING.
>> SPRINGTIME.
>> Stephen: CAN I HAVE THE FIRST CARD?
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS: THAT IS NICE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE.
SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE.
>> THE TRUTH HURTS.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
I WOULD NEVER CALL YOU THAT WORD.
>> I HOPE NOT.
>> Stephen: I WOULD NOT.
>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT EASTER?
>> Stephen: MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT EASTER, THE CHOCOLATE?
I GAVE UP CHOCOLATE THIS YEAR.
>> I FORGOT THAT.
>> Stephen: FOR LENT.
THAT'S HOW HOLY I AM.
I GAVE UP CHOCOLATE.
WHAT DID YOU GIVE UP?
( LAUGHTER )
IS THAT WHAT I'M FINDING OUT THAT YOU DIDN'T GIVE UP
ANYTHING.
>> WELL, I MEAN -- >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU GIVE
UP?
>> I MEAN, ALCOHOL, MAYBE.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU DIDN'T.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW.
>> WELL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: "YOU KNOW" WHAT?
>> IT'S BEEN A HARD YEAR!
I THINK WE GAVE UP HUGS.
WE GAVE UP KISSES.
WE GAVE UP EVERYTHING.
I DIDN'T NEED TO GIVE UP ANYTHING ELSE.
IT WAS HARD!
( LAUGHTER )
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO FACE YOUR MAKER.
NOT ME.
OKAY?
HERE'S ONE: THAT'S THE KIND YOU LIKE.
THAT'S RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID:
>> I LIKE THAT IT'S SHELLY.
I GET THE WHOLE-- I GET THE WHOLE SHELL YOU.
>> Stephen: GET THE WHOLE IDEA?
I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME OF MINE.
THIS RIGHT HERE.
>> YOU CERTAINLY DID NOT GIVE UP ALCOHOL FOR LENT, DID YOU.
>> Stephen: NO.
ON ASH WEDNESDAY I SAID I'M GIVING UP ALCOHOL.
THAT LASTED UNTIL THE EVENING AND I SAID CHOCOLATE IS ALSO
GOOD TO GIVE UP.
HERE'S A SWEET CARD: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ:
( LAUGHTER )
THAT IS I A WARNING.
WE'RE NOT CUTTING THIS JOKE BECAUSE IT IS NOT A JOKE.
IT IS A WARNING TO EVERYONE OUT THERE WHO HAS A PET RABBIT.
WE HAD A PET RABBIT.
>> YEAH, WE DID.
>> Stephen: WE DID.
>> BUT WE DIDN'T FEED HIM CHOCOLATE.
>> Stephen: NO, WE DIDN'T.
WE DID OTHER THINGS.
DO YOU WANT TO GET INTO IT, MISS JUDGMENT OVER HERE?
>> WE BROKE HIS LEG.
>> Stephen: WE DID NOT BREAK HIS LEG.
WE LOST HIS LEG.
SHALL WE TELL EVERYBODY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO THERE WAS A BUNNY NAMED--
>> BUNNY, I THINK, OR RABBIT.
>> Stephen: A RABBIT NAMED BUNNY.
>> WE WERE FOSTERING HIM.
>> Stephen: WE WERE FOSTERING BECAUSE THE OWNER OF THE RABBIT
WENT TO COLLEGE AND I A FIRSTHAND CHILD SAID, "WILL YOU
HOLD ON TO MY RABBIT."
AND WE SAID SURE.
WE HAD THE BUNNY IN OUR BASEMENT FOR HOW LONG?
>> A YEAR.
>> Stephen: A YEAR.
HE LOVED THE OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, AND WE HAD A LOVELY RABBIT-PROOF
FENCE AROUND OUR VEGETABLE GARDEN.
>> TO KEEP THE RABBITS OUT.
>> Stephen: TO KEEP THE RABITZ OUT BECAUSE THEY WOULD EAT OUR
VEGETABLES.
SO WE PUT-- >> THE RABBITS IN.
>> Stephen: "WE," BEING EVIE.
I WASN'T THERE.
EVIE PUT THE RABBIT INTO THE RABBIT-PROOF AREA WHERE THE
VEGETABLES WERE GROWING, AND CLOSED IT TO GIVE IT A LITTLE
AIR.
>> SO I COULD CLEAN ITS CAGE.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
YOU'RE COMING OUT SMELLING LIKE A ROSE IN THIS ONE.
YOU WENT TO CLEAN THE CAGE, GO OUTSIDE, THERE ARE FEATHERS--
>> Stephen: NO RABBIT.
>> IT WAS REALLY BAD.
>> Stephen: HE WENT FOR A RIDE WITH HIS FRIEND MR. HAWK, AND
RABBIT WAS GONE.
AND IT WAS QUITE TRAUMATIZING.
>> VERY TRAUMATIZING.
>> Stephen: IT WAS ABOUT THE SIZE OF THIS DESK.
>> TEARS.
>> Stephen: LOTS OF TEARS.
IDLE TEARS.
>> NOT IDLE, ACTIVE TEARS.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE WERE VERY UPSET ABOUT IT IN THE FAMILY, AS
WELL THEY SHOULD BE.
AND WE HAD TO TELL-- WE HAD TO TELL OUR FRIENDS.
>> THE FAMILY.
>> Stephen: THAT WE MURDERED THE RABBIT.
AND THREE DAYS LATER, LIKE CHRIST HIMSELF, EVIE GOES OUT
AND THE RABBIT IS SITTING THERE IN THE MIDDLE-- IN THE EXACT
SAME SPOT WHERE HE WAS.
>> YEAH, BUT -- >> Stephen: HE'S GOT ONE GAMEY
LEG.
>> HE BROKE HIS LEG IN FOUR PLACE S.
>> Stephen: SO WE TOOK HIM TO THE VET.
>> SAID, "FOR SIX MONTHS, IF YOU COME EVERY WEEK, AND PAY ME
$200, I'LL KEEP RECASTING THE LEG, UNTIL I WILL THEN CUT IT
OFF AFTER YOU'VE SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS."
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
HAS THIS STORY GOTTEN TOO DARK AT THIS POINT?
WE DID THAT FOR SIX MONTHS AND FINALLY WENT, IT'S NOT HEALING.
TAKE THE LEG OFF.
WE TAKE THE LEG OFF AND DOES HE CARE?
NOT AT ALL.
HE'S THE EXACT SAME AS HE WAS.
AND HE RETURNED-- >> THEN HE WENT TO COLLEGE AND
THEN HE LIVED IN MANHATTAN, AND HE ONLY JUST DIED RECENTLY.
>> Stephen: NEXT CARD, PLEASE.
TRUE STORY.
SO WE KNOW-- WE KNOW RABBITS.
HERE'S A LOVELY CARD: >> OH,.
I PUT ON MY EASTER SHOES FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFF READ:
>> THAT'S ABOUT AS DRESSY AS I GET, MY SWEAT PANTS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
>> THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME BACK.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A PERMANENT MEMBER OF THE CAST IF YOU'D LIKE
AT THIS POINT.
>> OH,.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SHARON STONE.
♪ ♪ ♪