Geoffrey here and in this video I'm going to show you what you can do when your
partner is stonewalling you.
And if you want to empower yourself to start fixing and improving your
relationship,
then subscribe to this channel and click that bell button to be notified.
When I post five new videos every single week.
[inaudible]
you know, I get it. Stonewalling is very, very frustrating,
especially when you're trying to communicate with them about something very
simple and try to resolve some conflict and they're stonewalling you.
That's a very hopeless feeling to be in. Which is why in my practice,
the first priority I teach my clients is to understand why their partner is
stonewalling them and learning the five step plan to actually open up your
partner and cut through that stonewalling once and for all.
So the first thing you need to understand is why do people Stonewall?
One is this intense lack of safety.
And if you have been following me for a while,
you know that safety is the number one priority in the relationship.
Without safety, you can have anything.
And this lack of safety is basically then thinking that, you know,
communicating with you and talking with you is useless because if tried talking
with you for many times, but every time they try it never ends well.
It either ends at some argument,
some really bad consequences or it never ends in some good resolution that they
feel happy about.
And so they've learned over the years that it's better to just not work,
not cooperate, and not communicate,
then actually try to communicate and be disappointed.
Number two is that they're just too much pent up stuff. There's too much stuff,
layers upon layers upon layers of problems that is bothering them that they
don't even know where to begin. So it's not that they're stonewalling you,
but that you're so overwhelmed that digital even know what to say,
where to start. And so just kind of panic, get overwhelmed,
get upset or just walk away. And the last thing is bitterness here.
So the thing about stonewalling is that it usually happens when the relationship
is going really, really badly. And when the relationship is going really,
really badly, it's not just you that has a lot of very pent up, a bitter stuff,
a lot of pent up bitterness there, but your partner also has a lot of the same.
And when someone has a lot of pent up bitterness,
they're not going to be open to solutions,
especially from you because they're going to be thinking like, you know,
I'm sick of trying it your way.
I'm sick of having to listen to you and kind of succumb to your,
to your wills all the time. I'm sick of it.
And so these are really the three reasons why people Stonewall.
And the thing is that this is made worse by how most people respond to
stonewalling. So most people respond to stonewalling by getting angry.
They start rolling their eyes. So then it's like, Oh,
of course you're stonewalling me again. Of course, that's just so you,
they start forcing are imposing their partners or stop stonewalling.
So they say, stop it, stop ignoring me. Just start cooperating.
And they forced their partner to do what they want to do, Dave,
and give them ultimatums. Sometimes to say like,
if you keep stonewalling me like this, I'm going to leave this relationship.
This is done. Or the last thing they do is to just walk off.
So to give them the cold shoulder and they say,
I'm not going to talk to you until you can learn to cooperate with me.
And so tell us in the comments below which of these things do you actually do?
So when you find your partner stonewalling you,
which of these things did you do?
And don't be shy because I do some of those things myself still.
So don't be shy. Leave a comment below. We'd love to hear from you.
But if you do any of these things,
then all you're doing is just proving to your partner that, Hey,
this is not safe because your anger, you're rolling eyes,
you're just going to tell your partner that you don't have the patience to
actually handle the truth, to actually handle a really tough conversation.
And when you get angry like this, when you impose,
when you force someone to do something, all you're doing,
you're just adding more and more and more things to all the pent-up stuff.
You're adding more and more bricks to it,
and you're adding more complication and more complexity and making your Potter
even more overwhelmed. And not only that,
you're also adding a lot more bitterness and you're adding fuel to that
bitterness fire, and you're making your Piner resist trying your way even more.
So understand that even though it's your first instinct to do any of these
things, when you do any of these things, it never ends well.
It's just gonna worse than the problem in the long run and make your partner and
your Stonewall you even more and get their guards up, it never ends well.
So the first thing you want to do is to understand how to call yourself,
and I've made a video on exactly this on how you can basically wear a
Bulletproof vest to stay calm when your partner is really intensely emotional.
When you're pondering or stonewalling you or resisting you in his moments are
the moments you have to stay calm.
But the problem is that these moments are also the moments where it's hardest to
stay calm, but you have to stay calm because if you don't,
then you're just perpetuating the negative cycle and making them stonewalled you
even more. And once you can stay calm yourself,
the first thing you want to do is to start your conversations by not saying
anything. And what do I mean by this? When someone is stonewalling you,
there's a lot of resistance there.
It's like a wall that is preventing them from wanting to be with you really.
And this wall is made up of a lot of emotions, a lot of pent up stuff,
and a lot of just resistance because they feel there's a lack of safety.
And the mistake that a lot of people make is saying something to their Potter,
getting them to do something when this wall is still up,
when does guard is still up? Because when this guard is still up,
they're not going to be open to anything you say.
So the first thing you need to do is to actually lower that guard,
destroy that wall first.
And the best thing you can do to destroy that wall is to start a nonverbal
waste. So what I'd like to tell my clients is simply approach your partner,
hold their hands and embrace them for a bit. And as you embrace them,
what happens is all this oxytocin gets released and as this oxytocin and gets
released, you will watch your partners body soften, their breathing will soften,
their body will just soften and you will soften as well.
And once you kind of feel both your body soften,
then that's when you know that the guard is lower a little bit,
but it's not completely down yet.
And then only when you notice that your partner's body has soften and your body
has softened and this'll be very, very clear to you.
And once you sense this, then do you move the next step.
And the next step is something called catharsis and effect labeling.
And someone,
someone is really resisting to be open and to have a lot of pent up stuff.
What is happening is the part of the brain called the amygdala is the emotional
center of the brain is way too overactive. And because they're too overactive,
they're going to be very defensive.
They're going to be very emotional about everything you say.
But when you can lower the activity in that part of the brain, the amygdala,
then what happens is they become softer and become more logical.
They become less defensive.
And it's easier to have a conversation at this point in time and have two things
you can do that's been proven to lower the activity in that part of the brain is
catharsis and affect labeling. So what is it?
What catharsis is simply just expression of your emotions.
So whenever you express your emotions through crying, through shouting, through,
screaming, through just sighing, even you'll calm down.
And what is effect labeling will affect labeling is when you're labeling your
emotions into words. And so that's all we're going to do.
We're going to get your partner to lower their guard down even more and become
less emotional by asking questions that will get them to express themselves.
And you do this. Two, two questions asked in order.
So the first question you ask is a very open ended question.
Like tell me how you're feeling. That's it.
Just tell me how you're feeling or tell me what you're thinking.
It's a very simple question,
but it's so powerful and it's powerful because it lets your partners start in
the most painful thing in their mind and that's crucial because when people are
stonewalling you, they have a bunch of pent up stuff in their mind right now.
They have a lot of pent up stuff that they don't want to tell you and they don't
even know where to start.
But when you give them the stage to actually start explaining where does the
most painful thing you're doing through this very simple question,
then you're allowing them to start where it's most painful.
And once you ask this question,
it might take a while for them to respond to you. But don't say anything.
Just stay silent. They're thinking at this point they might be signing,
it might take five minutes, they might take 10 minutes.
It might take even an hour for them to say something,
but let them say something. Don't rush it. Because if you rush it,
you're saying to your partner that you're impatient.
And so once you ask this question,
they will eventually say something and once they say something,
you want to follow up with another question that is, okay, so you're feelingX ,
whatever. They just saidX is whatever they just said. So you're feeling X.
Tell me more about that. Can you say more about that? That's interesting.
Can you tell me more?
So you're just repeating and paraphrasing what they just said and you're asking
them to clarify even more. And when you do this,
you'll notice that your partner would just keep talking and talking and talking
and talking and saying the next thing on their mind.
And the idea is that as you keep asking these very two very simple questions,
it doesn't require to talk in any way.
You are allowing your partner to undergo catharsis and athletic labeling and
you're healing all those pent-up stuff.
You're healing all those very intense emotions that's been really buried
underneath there. And when you start healing that person,
they'll become less defensive and they'll Stonewall you less.
There'll be more open to you right now.
And so when you're dealing with issues with stonewalling,
the number one thing you must master is the skill of getting people to express
themselves, lowering their guard down,
and kind of healing all the emotional baggage that they've had.
And basically every single time you're interacting with your partner,
you want to keep rewarding them sharing and talking to you and working with you
and cooperating rather than punishing them. And you might be thinking like,
I'm not punishing my partner. I've never punished my partner.
But every single time you get angry,
every single time you respond badly to your partner,
you are punishing our partner for telling you or trying to work with you.
And that never works. So just simply stick to the two questions that I told you,
which is tell me how you're feeling or tell me what you're thinking and can you
say more about that? And in the meantime, you want to watch this video above me.
That's about learning how to wear a Bulletproof vest.
So understanding how to stay calm when you're actually very angry.
So how to control those emotions.
That's a crucial skill when you're trying to open someone up and prevent them
from stonewalling in the future. And the last thing I'll leave you with is,
remember when you're talking to someone, when you're talking to anyone,
whether it's [inaudible] that's your colleague or your partner,
you always want to focus effectiveness over efficiency. So a lot of people,
when they're talking to someone, they want to get them fast,
they want to talk to them fast. It's like the faster the conversation,
the better it is. But when you're talking to people,
it's all about effectiveness, not efficiency.
So if a colonization takes like five hours,
but I built emotional safety and I get people's guards down and I heal those
intense emotions, that's a very effective conversation for me.
That's a very productive conversation for me.
But if the combination last five minutes, but in order to make it that fast,
I had to destroy that. Any sense of safety?
Then that conversation was the major, major failure. So be patient.
When you're talking to someone you know, don't rush the conversation.
Just simply start with a nonverbal touch.
Then follow up with the two questions that I gave you and be okay with a lot of
silence in between. Be okay with a lot of gaps in between and that's fine.
Now I wish I can tell you everything you need to know in this one YouTube video,
but you know it's impossible for me to tell you everything you need to know
about how to prevent stonewalling and just one YouTube video.
So if you want more details on this,
if you want a step by step plan on how you can create emotional safety and
really stop your partner from stonewalling for good,
then you want to check out my four day training series on this topic. Exactly.
And it's four day training series will teach you exactly on the mindset you need
and the skills you need and it will give you scripts and what to say and do on
how to start the conversation,
how to progress conversations and how to end conversations in a way that doesn't
get people's guards up. Create safety and prevent stonewalling for the long run.
So if you want to check that out,
then the link to that training series is in the description box below this
video.
And if you are looking for a safe space for you to express yourself and really
ask your questions about that, any issues you have in your relationship,
then you want to also join our secret Facebook group filled with experts and
other members that are just like you who are just as excited and enthusiastic
about working on the relationship as you are.
So if you want to join that Facebook group,
then the link is in the description box below this video as well.
So have you found this video to be valuable? If you learned something from it,
then like this video and subscribe to this channel for more content like this
one. And tell us in the comments below,
which is tips did you find most valuable, what did you find most eyeopening?
We'd love to hear your thoughts. And in the meantime,
I want to thank you for supporting this channel and you know,
being here with us all the way,
it's really inspiring to see so many of you willing to work in your
relationship. But in the meantime, I will see you in the next video.