Welcome back everyone
to the only thing more consistent than
death, taxes, and disappointing season finales:
its cats being dodgy.
This one is an outright show off.
I’m not jelly, heh...
It’s not that I’m jelly,
I just think it’s showing off,
not everyone is that flexible, so
it’s mean.
They have such poor manners.
[Cat's farting]
Look at this one,
you can literally see the tiny devil kitty
on his shoulder,
whispering into his ear to hurt the doggo.
“Maybe I’ll break his neck,” he thinks.
“Nah, I’ll go straight for his kidneys.
There’s so- many- ways- to kill him.”
The dog is like, “Oh dude,
I can totally fucking hear you.
You’re not using your internal monologue.
This is quite upsetting.
I thought we were friends.
Yeah look don't touch me okay?”
The cat says, “Sorry, I have to.
As they say: Curiosity killed the cat,
and I am indeed a cat.”
“OH!
YOU’RE A FUCKEN DICK IS WHAT YOUR ARE!”
“Uh, excuse me?”
“Yes?”
[SFX:"FALCON PAWNCH!”]
The poor doggo is traumatized.
He’s like – “What is this?
A King’s Cross kebab shop
on Saturday night?”
“Hey are these your balls?”
[SFX: “PAWNCH!”]
No hesitation.
Just cold, calculated nut shottery.
Crikey, this one moves like a fuckin’ xenomorph.
They are the perfect killers.
Evolving.
Changing.
Hungry for fish.
This one freaks me out big time.
How did it do that!?
Its developed Scanners-esque
telekinetic abilities
[Explosion].
Seriously, this furry sociopath
functions on a whole other level,
tripping people up over long distances,
it’s insane.
You’d hope it would use its powers for good,
but nah.
Pure evil.
“Help!
I’m trapped!”
The cockatoo saves the day,
only to find a cat.
“What are you doing ?”
asks the Cocky.
“PUNCHING YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE!, Hahaha...”
“Right, well, fuck you then.”
“Come on, I was kidding.
Let me out.
I promise I won’t hit you again.”
Says the cat.
The Cocky being an honorable bloke,
decides to open the lid.
“Fine,” says the Cocky,
“but don’t you dar —DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME.
YOU TRIED TO HIT ME AGAIN.”
“Oh come on, I was kidding.”
“NO, fuck you.
Ungrateful, untrustworthy,
bastard.”
You KNOW something is wrong with a cat
when even other cats are running scared.
Look at him piss bolt,
in true horror cliché.
His mate is like,
“Ey- where are you going?
Oh FUCK a duck.”
“Stop doing that shit, Tim.
Man you’re weird.”
This Buddhist monk is trying really hard
to get through his Mantra.
“Oi stop it cat,
you’re making me look bad in front of the boss”
but this cat is like,
“Who cares, Bro.
Bhudda was right!
Re-incarnation is real.
It’s fucking real.
I used to be a bus driver,
then I was a sex pest,
and now I’m even bigger arsehole.
Anyway, all of these cat videos
have me aggravated.
The only thing that can make me feel better is
the sheer joy of a successful
Rude Goldberg machine video.
Look at this!
Through a tunnel,
off a wall,
round the corner,
perfect angles,
now down the stairs,
wait NO!
WHAT!?
["Noooo, Noooo, oh wait wait, no wait..."]
[Celebrating]
That was lucky, cat.
You redeemed yourself.
You and ya mates
are back in the good books.
At least until
my next video.