Have you ever had a tough conversation in front of you and you weren't sure exactly how to handle?
It could have been with a boyfriend or girlfriend, a friend, a roommate, family, or even work.
They happen all the time and unfortunately, we're not really taught how to do them well.
And if you blow a high-stakes conversation, you can irreparably damage
your relationship or even your career.
So today, I want to talk about some strategies
for what to do before and during a tough conversation
to make it easier and make sure it goes as well as it can.
And I'm also going to talk about, at the end, how to de-escalate a conversation
that kind of got off track and isn't going so well.
So the first thing to think about before a tough conversation is your outcomes;
you need to draw your line not just for you ideal outcomes but what's acceptable and what's unacceptable.
Sometimes, especially in a tough conversation, you can't get your ideal—
I think of a great example from my own life was a really tough breakup I had;
I was dating this girl for a long time, I really liked her, but
I didn't see a future for us so I wanted to break up
but my idea would have been — stay friends, keep talking every day, and keep texting every day.
The thing is that's not what she wanted, right?
And so we tried to break up and then she would started to cry and she got very upset
and I would say, "Okay, I take it back. Let's keep dating,"
because I didn't want to make her sad for even an instant
which is totally unrealistic so I sat down I thought,
"What do I actually want? What is an acceptable outcome for me and what is an unacceptable outcome for me?"
So okay, what I actually want is to break up and stay friends but what's acceptable is to break up
and we can be sad — we can miss each other for a little bit.
What's unacceptable is to keep dating someone that I don't want to be dating and eventually get married because I'm too scared to break up with her.
So I wrote it all down and it was the thing
that I think gave me the inner strength and conviction to go through with it
even though it was really, really hard to hurt someone I cared about so much and
years later, we're friends now; it's totally fine, it doesn't have to be permanent but
I truthfully don't think I could have done it if I hadn't written down
the acceptable be unacceptable and gotten clear with myself that it was okay
if we were both hurting for a little bit because it was the best thing for us.
That brings me to the second thing —
before a conversation, put your mind in the other person's body
and think, "What's good for them?" because you don't want to just be the selfish
bulldog that's running through life and not thinking about other people and also,
a conversation is gonna go better if you think about what is gonna help this person
achieve their goals, what motivates them and what are their values
so the best story I've ever heard for this is Charlie.
Charlie wanted to move to New York City but his job was in Washington, D.C.
He could've just quit, he could just put in his two weeks notice,
he could've done it via email because he was really scared to have this conversation
but instead, he got some time with his boss, sat down and said,
"Hey, I really like it here, I really like the people but I'm unhappy in D.C.
All my friends are in New York; my best friend's in New York.
It's important to me to be happy; I need to move but
I want to do this in the best way possible for you so
does that mean working remotely, does that mean you guys hire my replacement and I train them and it takes a couple months for me to go
get my ideal outcome which is to go to New York? How can I do this so it's good for both of us?"
And they had a great conversation and ended up with Charlie working remotely,
first person of his position to do it, and he got a 50% raise because he switched from employee to contractor.
So that incredible outcome couldn't have happened if he hadn't thought about the other person.
The third thing is to just set the tone, right?
Don't blindside the person, don't come in and start screaming — they don't know what's happening —
but also, don't make things that aren't a big deal a huge deal.
So if you want to get feedback to a significant other or a roommate,
you don't have to say, "Hey, we really need to talk," right?
You can just grasp with it, "Hey, can I talk to you for five minutes?"
By doing that, you set the tone but this isn't necessarily a big deal when it isn't
and you save the really draconian grave tone for when it is a big deal.
Now, that's the before; what about during?
One really, really tough thing to do is to give someone feedback or criticize them
or share how you're feeling about something that's bothering you
without the other person becoming really defensive and blowing up on you.
And the best way to do this that I've ever come across is by
only speaking in things that can't be refuted so facts and feelings.
If you come in and start to label people or generalize you're sunk and that's what most people do.
So if a roommate is leaving dishes in the sink, what most people do is go,
"Oh god, Ted, you always leave the dishes in the sink."
Now, that's not true. Unless Ted is literally leaving every single dishes he's ever used in the sink, that's not true
and now he can get defensive and go, "That's not true. What about yesterday?"
Now it's escalating and you guys are at each other's throats.
Or let's say you a friend that makes jokes at your expense. You don't like it.
If you go, "Oh my god, Jerry, you're such a dick; you're always putting me down."
Now you've labeled and generalized — that's what everyone does and it just leads to a fight.
So instead, only talk about two things that really no one can tell you aren't true —
absolute facts and your own feelings. So dishes in the sink example — you go,
"Hey, man. I saw you put your dishes in the sink. I just want to let you know that that makes me feel a little aggravated because now I have to
either clean up after you or we have to have a messy house."
Someone putting you down with jokes — great example — I went on a vacation
with ten friends and some I knew really well and some were friends and friends I didn't know that well. One was this guy, Tom
and Tom was so bad when he was drunk at putting other people down.
He was super fine sober, I've met him before and liked him, but he got drunk
and was just rude; he just make jokes at everyone's expense, putting them down
to elevate himself and to make himself feel better.
So instead of saying, "You're a dick," I just said, "Hey, man. You have made a couple of jokes today that did not make me feel good
and if you keep making jokes like that, I'm not gonna want to hang out with you."
Now it's not a threat; that's just a true acceptable outcome for me.
But I've also painted the doorway for Tom to be able to stop,
for Tom be able to go, "I didn't realize that and I'll stop making those jokes," which he did
because I didn't say, "Hey, you're being a dick; I don't wanna hang out with you."
I said, "You keep making these jokes that I don't like and if you keep doing it, I'm not gonna want to be your friend."
Now this is incredibly powerful when you combine it with a second thing
which is — going on the record early.
So dishes example or joke example — it doesn't matter.
The first time it happens most people let it go because their conflict avoidant.
The second time, the third time, the fourth time, they keep letting it go, they bottle it up,
and they just sit on it and they fume and the other person has no idea that something's bothering them
and then all of a sudden, they snap and then they freak out and they're yelling
and the other person is completely blindsided and now you're both kind of in the wrong because that person is doing something you don't like
but you've exploded in a very, very intense way with no warning.
And so now you can say the person's messy but they can say that you're crazy.
The flipside of this — if on the first offense, you go,
"Hey, man. I saw dishes in the sink. I just wanted to let you know it kind of bugs me.
I really like keeping a clean apartment. Would you mind cleaning it?"
Second time — "Hey, they're dishes in the sink. Would you be able to clean your dishes when you're done?"
Now, by the fourth, fifth, and sixth time, they're ignoring you,
you actually have a right and you're on the record to be mad
and then you can decide acceptable-unacceptable —
are you willing to move out over this, are you willing to not be friends ] with them over this or do you want to split a cleaning lady over this?
You can decide what to do but at least you're on the record
and you have mutual understanding.
And that's the third thing that's really important when you're gonna have a difficult conversation is —
you want to make sure that they understand you but also
you want to make sure you understand them — don't ascribe intent.
Don't just create a story in your head that's based on nothing but your own interpretation.
People leave dishes in the sink because they just don't care; the mess doesn't bother them.
They aren't necessarily disrespecting you; they aren't necessarily thinking, "I hate my roommate so much. This is gonna piss him off,"
they're just not really thinking about it.
So if you get on the same page, you share your facts and feelings,
you give them a chance to say, "Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I was bothering you,"
you guys can get on the same page and then you're very likely to move forward in a way that is good for both of you.
Now, this leads me to the flip side which I know we all do sometimes screw up.
Sometimes, someone's giving us feedback or criticizing us and we're the one that left the dishes in the sink.
There's two things that really make a conversation go better
if you're the one who screwed up or if you're the one who's made a mistake
or if you're the one receiving feedback or criticism, that is —
make the other person feel heard and understood and own it.
Again, what most people do when they're criticized, they get defensive and they
push back and when someone pushes you and you push back, things escalate.
Now, if somebody comes to you and they say, "Hey, man. It's really pissing me off.
You always leave your dishes in the sink..." they do everything wrong —
they generalize, they label this and that, and you make them feel heard
and understood, you go, "Hey, I didn't realize that I was doing that and I had no idea that that's how that made you feel.
I get it and in the future, I won't do it."
How do you stay mad at someone like that?
How do you say mad at someone that says, "I've listened to you. I totally
understand. Now that I get what you're feeling, I won't do it again."
You can't keep yelling at that person but if they fight back, you can
and that's why so many small things in relationships just blow up into huge arguments
out of nowhere because it's these bottled tensions and then no one wants to hear the other person and everyone gets defensive to make sure they're not wrong.
It's not about who's right and wrong; it's just about a mutual understanding and then going forward in a way that makes both people happy.
And the second thing to do is own it — great example from work — I have a friend
who was putting together a presentation and he screwed up some numbers.
We've all done it; I've done it for sure.
He screwed up some numbers, gave it to his boss, boss didn't find it,
gave it to the partner, partner didn't even look at it probably, and they all went presented to a client.
Client found a mistake so what do you do now?
You're in the meeting; the numbers are messed up.
They go over it as quickly as possible; they just blow past it.
The next day, there's a ten-person call.
It's the three people that were in the meeting and the rest of the team
and my friend knows what's coming so he's thought about ahead of time how to handle this.
Partner brings it up; he goes, "Hey, that was not cool. That was not okay.
You messed up the numbers and you made us look bad in front of the client."
At this point, my friend could have pushed back and he could have said,
"Well, yeah but Bob didn't check the numbers either; that's kind of Bob's fault
and I gave you the presentation," — that would be a disaster because
when you push, someone pushes back — equal and opposite force.
So what he did instead was he just owned it; he said,
"You know what? You're right. I'm sorry. I screwed that up. I shouldn't have. It won't
happen again and there's really nothing I can say to to take it back besides that."
His boss immediately felt badly because he was owning it completely on his shoulders
and he was taking it on the chin and the boss actually said, "You know what?
It's not a big deal and it's not your fault. We should have checked the numbers. Don't beat yourself up about it."
So now he's being comforted and was told t's not a big deal because he owned it completely.
All right, that is what to do when the conversation is tough
and you need to give criticism and what to do when you're receiving criticism.
What about those highly charged conversations?
What about those conversations that don't necessarily have a huge weight
to them but they're just topics that you know tend to lead to religion,
it could be politics, it could be talking about someone else's relationship,
seeing a lot of friendships end because a friend is trying to help someone
see something in their relationship but often with our boyfriends and girlfriends, we're blind to it and we're very defensive.
In this case, the Socratic method is your best friend.
Now Charlie's gonna do another video sometime in the next couple weeks about how to win any argument.
If you want to see that one, just subscribe to our channel.
For now, all I'm going to talk about is how to guide someone to a conclusion themselves
because a lot of times, these tough conversations
you want someone to act differently but you don't know how to get them there
or you want someone to feel differently about a certain topic, human rights issue —
whatever it is — but you end up just screaming at each other.
By only asking questions like the Socratic method,
you can guide somebody in their own thinking so they come to a conclusion on their own.
And the only way to do this is to be open-minded.
You can't come in with an agenda to come in and actually think,
"Could this person be right? Could I be wrong?" and then ask questions
and a lot of times, if you keep things civil so that people aren't defensive
and you're both open-minded, you can normally come to agreement.
That's what logical people do but if you come in and said,
"No, that's wrong. I believe this. You shouldn't believe that,"
you're going to have a screaming match and no one's gonna change their mind.
Now, as much as I would love to say that
this all works perfectly and you're never gonna get into a situation that escalates, it happens.
So how do you deescalate a conversation?
The best thing I've found is to de-escalate their physicality, their body language
and their tone because physicality and your tone can be a virtuous cycle or a vicious cycle.
If you're happy and smiling and laughing and then someone tells another joke, you're gonna laugh again.
That's why in comedy shows, people always try to get the main act on after some warmups
so you're in a good mood and you're laughing.
Now, the flip side of that is if somebody is shouting at you and yelling
and their tone is aggressive, nothing you say is gonna get to her; they've gone into an emotional fight-or-flight state.
Anything you say no matter how right you are is just gonna get blown away by their reptile brain.
So just basically call a timeout; talk to someone, you're steady talking about politics or religion,
and you have atheism-versus-religion differing opinions and the person starting it heated.
Just go, "Hey, you know what? This isn't a conversation that seems to be going very well.
I can tell you're getting a little heated. Why don't we just drop it and talk about something else?"
and the person would either agree and you guys can talk about something else
and avoid that blow up or the, "No, no, no. Let's talk about this,"
but they'll realize that they were starting to get heated and they'll take themselves in check.
If you can just gently call out someone's body language and their tone and reset
them to a more neutral place, that feeds into their brain; they will literally be more open-minded
because they don't have aggressive or defensive body language and tonality.
So that is it. I hope that was helpful for you.
If you guys want to talk about something that's a little bit more upbeat
which is how to meet new people and make a great first impression,
Charlie has a great video on that. I will link to it and thank you for watching.
I got a couple of comments last time that I didn't introduce myself
and I should have in the last video so my name is Ben.
I co-founded Charisma on Command with Charlie about four years ago.
I left a job on Wall Street and working private equity
so that I could create this company because
working on this area of self-improvement and my relationships has changed my life in an incredible way.
I was a very average person who had friends but wasn't really a leader.
I would feel out of place in group conversations. My dating life wasn't what
I wanted it to be and by focusing on my confidence, my charisma, and my ability to
work with people and talk to people, my whole life changed.
And that's why we started this business so that's me and
Charlie's got a very similar story but now you know a little bit more about me
and thank you for watching. You know, I have a lot of respect for you for
being on that same journey; it's not easy to change — it's very easy to stay the
same and complain so the fact that you're proactively chasing this and trying to
become better, I have a lot of respect to that so that's all.
If you've watched this far, you're a legend and I will see you in the next video.