of all the red flags I've learned to detect there's one that really makes my radar go
off and that's when a grown up man or woman says they never want to grow up my name is Anna Runkle
also known as the crappy childhood fairy and maybe you've tried to date someone like that who doesn't
want to grow up or maybe one of your parents was like that or maybe and I hope I'm not offending
you maybe you're someone like that and I think I understand what you might mean when you say you
never want to grow up I think what's meant is you want to feel carefree and authentic and not
turn out bitter and burdened like maybe a negative parent figure in your life but if you're having a
hard time creating happy stable relationships and if you're spending a lot of time broke or angry or
disappointed with other people or like you're unfairly rejected or overlooked all the time
I want to help you detect if it might be possible that childhood trauma has actually kept you stuck
in some old childhood mindsets and whether that might be blocking you from having functional and
equal relationships with the people in your life now like a lot of you I had to grow up really fast
in some respects I was exposed to a lot of things that kids are not supposed to see grown-ups using
drugs hitting sexual stuff a kitchen with no food in and half the time I had to help out with child
care sometimes late into the night because the adults were you know out until morning and long
before I was even a teenager if I wanted to have any money I had to earn it myself even for basic
stuff sometimes clothes food taking art classes at the community center so I started this whole
series of little kid businesses to pay for that and I'm proud of that there have been a lot of
good things that have come from that but the funny thing is what they call growing up fast
is not really growing up it's toughness but it's not maturity and so that's why I sometimes call
childhood PTSD a kind of developmental delay now usually that term refers to a long timeline for
learning things like how to talk how to walk how to read but for those of us with childhood PTSD
we sometimes have a long timeline to develop emotional maturity we can be hugely street
smart very intellectual but still a little vague on how to take responsibility for the direction
of our lives some of us stay in a never-ending battle really with our parents kind of an extended
adolescence where we're trying to get them to see how hurtful they were we're trying to get them
to make right what they did or we try to drag out of them the approval and the love that never came
while we were kids healing from that is part of maturation too it's hard but it doesn't have to
take a lifetime it starts by just opening up your mind to the possibility that the hurt kid in you
is compromising the adult you need to be today so how would you know if this were happening
well there are a few markers of adulthood and we can start by asking questions about those so
the first question is do you have an identity that is independent of your parents or their
influence now we might choose to live in a similar way to our parents same values same affiliations
with churches or politics or whatever they're into and there's nothing wrong with that but
part of adulthood is that we find what we really believe and how we really want to participate in
the world even if it's different and it doesn't have to be done with anger or criticism of your
parents you might have criticisms but now that you're an adult you're free they're
free everyone gets to be themselves now some of us stay in a childlike state through dependence
on our parents whether it's for money or a place to live or just emotionally we're very caught up
from day to day and what they did what they said how they judged us or disapproved of us in the
past or or just last week now if you're holding on to that stuff and it's affecting whether you
can be happy or not today I'd say the child in you is blocking you from full adulthood you can spend
your whole life very focused on those hurts but to start enjoying the freedoms of adulthood it's
important to start facing not just what happened but our own limitations that may be connected to
that it's not our fault that we got hurt as kids but today if we want to start having a good you
know real fulfilling connection to other people we've got to climb up out of that identity of a
person at war with the past and yet a lot of us get stuck in the psychological bonds and beliefs
that what happened in the past still dictates who we are now and it can be this never-ending fantasy
that it's the parents who have to do something so that we can get free even when we're 30 40 50
years old we think they have to apologize or they have to acknowledge what they did or they have to
help us get on our feet because the trauma was so debilitating that is a war where whether you win
or lose you lose there is a tiny chance that your parents will change or give you the love that they
couldn't give you in the past and if they do it's going to happen through some shift in their own
hearts and it's definitely not going to be because of pressure from you fake apologies they never hit
the spot do they the miracle that you're really looking for is the one in here where you're free
of what happened and you start making the happy life you deserve now for a few people that means
cutting ties with parents but for most people that is not necessary at all when you have less fear
and resentment and in my courses I teach exactly how to achieve that you have more flexibility
to enjoy people who just used to piss you off and I'll be honest with you everyone likes you better
when you put down your sword when you stop trying to make anyone apologize or compensate you or
validate your change in any way they are who they are and we are who we are and everyone just wants
to be accepted and we can make requests but we can't force change and that is a core meaning of
what it means to be an adult we work on ourselves so adults have freedom to change or not change and
to create their own identity distinct from their parents and that's a very powerful freedom there
are the simple freedoms of doing what you like behaving how you like you don't have to be polite
or cooperative even right you have that freedom as long as you follow the law you can wear t-shirts
that have the f-word on them you control people on the internet you can eat junk food all day if
you want and if people in our lives don't like it we are free to push them away I don't know if we
want that but that is a certain kind of freedom and it comes with adulthood let's call it casual
freedom it's not the kind of freedom that I'm suggesting you stretch out of your comfort zone
to obtain what I'm really talking about is the kind of freedom that comes with a cost that always
entails responsibility and this includes adult privileges like having sex earning money creating
a home forming a partnership or even a family serving your community right if you long for
those things but you can't seem to have them then it could be that the child in you is controlling
the adult in you and it may be time to take a step up and into those responsibilities and the freedom
that come with setting the path behind you so that you can blossom as your full autonomous grown-up
self I think consciously we all want that but what can happen with childhood PTSD is we're not doing
what it would take to get there it feels like just too much sometimes the responsibility is
too exhausting even to think about right and what have you try and totally fail what if you succeed
but then make some mistake and all those eyes are on you and you feel humiliated or what if
your childhood PTSD symptoms overwhelm you but you've taken some big job and you don't have the
option anymore to just stay in bed all morning or get in your car and drive a thousand miles to
get away from it all just flat out avoid you know whatever it was that was too painful to face now
everybody feels this way sometimes especially people with childhood PTSD it's part of it but
the quest to avoid that triggered feeling by avoiding responsibility it takes too much away
from us there comes a time when what happened in the past doesn't explain all the problems
anymore sure we have obstacles we can be socially awkward we have money problems a lot of us missed
out on a full education we've got health issues we've got depression or ADHD we don't know the
right people we don't know how you're supposed to act in job or on a date and that's real and
it's not our fault we grew up in that void but you know what we can learn and every day that we
spend just throwing up our hands and helplessness and feeling left out is a day wasted you want to
know how to do a job interview you can watch a YouTube video like today if you couldn't read
a book on dating or actually you could take my online course on dating and relationships because
it's just for people with childhood PTSD you you don't need to give up you can learn your instinct
for self-protection really has served you well but right now it's keeping you from becoming your
real self so now we can protect ourselves in a new and better way by opening up those capacities and
practicing and learning and reaching those milestones of adulthood of work financial
independence learning and social participation and intimate relationships and a family if that
is your heart's desire now there's no guarantee that you'll achieve all these things in your
life or that you'll handle the responsibilities without some bumps but don't let your good self
collapse into bitterness and helplessness you can reach for your own freedom you were made to grow
and take your place among the strong people who lift up our lives all over the world it's hard
and it takes emotional courage and it's going to be triggering sometimes and that's why my
videos and all my courses are here for you and so many other resources out there but even when
you fall short of your goals the journey itself the journey of trying makes life fun and real now
this summer I'll be releasing a whole series of weekly videos on different aspects of connection
with other people that's what you guys have been saying that connection is the biggest priority for
your healing of childhood PTSD if you want to be sure that you see each one right when it comes out
be sure you subscribe and if you want to jump in and take these lessons further you can follow the
links in the description section to my courses and my free tools and I will see you next week
you