The world is undoubtably on edge right now,
waiting to see how Iran will respond
to America killing its top general.
But according to some Iranian leaders,
we might be waiting for a while.
NEWSWOMAN: This morning, in Iran's capital,
the foreign minister saying in a speech,
"The U.S. will receive the definitive resolute response
"to its brazen criminal act in a place and at a time
it hurts most."
Iran is a very patient country.
We will take, uh, our action
after necessary deliberation.
But I'm sure that it will be taken
at a time of our choosing,
not a time of the United States' choosing.
Goddamn.
(like foreign minister): "Iran is a very patient country."
That-that gave me chills.
It really did. It was like from a TV show.
I'd be watching 24, and the guy would say that,
and I'll be like, "Ooh, lazy writing,
-but that was effective." -(laughter)
And to be honest, I wouldn't mind that guy scheduling
all my appointments-- yeah, just be like,
"Trevor will meet you at the time of his choosing.
-(laughter) -"Not at the time of your choosing.
You have been warned, Comcast."
(laughter)
Now, the big question is,
what do these threats actually mean for Americans?
Well, to help us figure it out,
we're joined by our own senior national security correspondent,
Roy Wood Jr., everybody!
(cheering, applause)
Roy, welcome...
What are you...
what the hell are you wearing, man?
I'm wearing protective gear, Trevor.
Did you not hear that man?
We're all gonna die.
-I'm serious. -Roy, Roy, please.
I brought you on for analysis, not fear.
Well, my analysis is that there's a 73% chance
-I'm gonna shit myself. -(laughter)
It's scary, Trevor.
I mean, usually when you get a threat from the Middle East,
it's some dude screaming in a cave.
But this guy was calm.
Like an Iranian John Wick.
It's like we killed his puppy, and now he's coming for us.
Well, Roy, to be fair, we always knew that Iran
was gonna threaten America.
But-but what do you think they'd actually do?
It's obvious, Trevor.
We threatened their cultural sites,
so now they're going to attack our cultural sites.
Wow. You mean like the Washington Monument
-or Mount Rushmore? -No, that's just rocks and shit.
I'm talking about our actual culture:
the Netflix service, the Popeyes chicken sandwich,
or... or killing America's greatest storyteller,
Stan Lee.
But, Roy, Stan Lee is already dead.
Those bastards!
-(laughter) -It's already begun!
Beta Victor, Beta Victor, the eagle has fallen.
-I repeat... -Okay, Roy, Roy, Roy, relax,
-Bravo... -relax, relax, relax.
You heard the foreign minister.
He said that Iran is a patient country,
so it's probably not gonna happen anytime soon.
Then th-that's even worse!
Because now we're just waiting for something to happen.
And if we don't even know what it is--
like, i-if there's a car crash, is that Iran,
or just Cuomo setting up his next photo op?
-(laughter) -Or...
what if our Wi-Fi goes down?
Is that Iran?
Or did my neighbor just add a password?
-We'll never know. -(laughter)
I don't know, man.
'Cause you see, Trevor,
patient revenge is the worst kind of revenge.
You remember when your mama said she was gonna whup your ass,
-but she didn't say when? -(laughter)
So now you're just waiting for an ass-whuppin' all day,
and the longer you wait, the worse it gets.
Hell, I've been waiting on one ass-whuppin' for 25 years.
Every time, every time I go home, I'm flinching.
Every time, I'm flinching.
I told you I'm sorry about the cookies, Mama.
-I was seven years old, Joyce! -Roy, Roy,
-I-I understand what you mean, -You won't let it go.
but unfortunately, this is what it's like
when we are close to war.
Well, that's the thing, Trevor.
If Iran is mad that Trump bombed their general,
they should handle their beef directly with Trump.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Roy, Roy, Roy.
-Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -(cheering and applause)
-No, no, no. You're not... -Not me.
You're not suggesting
Iran attack the president of the United States.
You don't bring that shit to my show, Roy!
Oh, listen, chill out, green card.
This is what I'm saying.
(laughter)
I'm just saying
that if Iran wants to get revenge,
they should just mess with things
that Trump actually loves: his hotels.
Put bedbugs under the mattresses.
Plug the holes in his golf course.
Swim in the pools
even though you had diarrhea in the last 14 days.
And if Iran really wants to hurt Trump,
if they really want to hurt Trump,
tell him he's invited to a party full of supermodels.
Then when he gets there, bam!
It's Eric's birthday party.
Wow!