Today at Live On Purpose TV, understanding and fixing low self-esteem. I think the
last step might surprise you.
Let's take on the understanding of low self-esteem first. One of my college
professors was a leading researcher in this field.
Dr. Richard Bednar and his colleagues did a landmark study back in the 80s
that was published by the American Psychological Association that shook up
what we knew about self-esteem. See, we used to think that it was based on
achievement or having people treat us in a way that built us up. That's not what
they found. These researchers found that self esteem is based primarily on this
one factor. It's seeing yourself taking on hard things. But think about that for
a minute. It's not even whether you succeed in
taking on those hard things. It's simply seeing yourself take on
these hard things. And conversely low self-esteem was correlated with seeing
yourself running away from hard things. Or an avoidant pattern. That takes a toll
on self-esteem. There's actually a lot of paradoxes that come up in self-esteem.
Actually, that's a little weird. When you think about it self-esteem, how do i
esteem myself? How do I esteem myself? It almost implies that we're two different
people. One of my favorite books, The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle shares an
example of this. Eckhart Tolle was actually in a period of suicidal
depression. I think this was in his mid to late 20s when he was so low, he had
this thought. The thought was "I hate myself". And then he had another
thought that saved his life. And the next thought was, "Wait a minute? Who is this I
that hates me so much? And who is this me that I hate?" And he realized, "Wait a
minute. That... I can't be both of those." Self, esteem. How do i esteem myself? This
is a paradox. And it's one that we need to watch out for. Because which one is
the real you? The one who hates or the one who is hated? Or maybe you're neither
of those. Maybe you're the one asking the question like a Eckart Tolle did. "Wait a
minute, who is this I that hates me so much and who is this me that I hate?"
Philosophically, I hope that just kind of ties your mind in knots for a minute.
Because we have to consider that maybe those thoughts that are rolling around
in our head are not necessarily us. In fact, I read another book recently where
the author compared this to random neural activity that goes on in our
brain where our brain is trying to generate for us possibilities. And it
serves it up to us in the form of a thought. Kind of like, "Well, here's a
possible thought. Here's a possible thought." I don't know if that's true or
not. But if it is, your job is to evaluate and discern the different thoughts that
are presented to you. Don't get too tied up in thinking or believing that those
thoughts are you. That's where people get stuck. Another aspect of this that is so
powerful once you realize it has to do with pride. Now, people sometimes have
some resistance when I suggest that low self-esteem is actually a problem with
pride. Understanding low self-esteem is a big part of fixing it. And I'll get to
that in just a minute. But notice how it could be about pride. Did you know for
example that I Dr. Paul have an opinion about you.
Yes, you. You might be thinking, "Dr. Paul, you don't even know me." Well I may or may
not know you. I've talked to a lot of our viewers. But even if I don't, I have an
opinion about you, okay? I do. I've formed an opinion. Now, do you have an opinion
about you. Why, yes you do. Does my opinion match your opinion? Probably not. Who's
right? Okay, I'm going to pull rank here because I have a PhD in clinical
psychology. Does that help? No. Because you're going to take my opinion and you're
going to toss it out the window in favor of your own. You think you're right. No, no, no.
You know that you're right, don't you? And if my opinion of you is "You are awesome,
you are amazing. You're a benevolent, generous, loving,
parent, wife, husband." I can give you those opinions and I actually hold those
opinions about you. And then you might just toss it out the window because your
own opinion is so different from that. And your destructive pride has you
hanging on to your own opinion and tossing mine out the window and I got
the PhD. Okay. Do you see what I mean when I say it's a form of destructive
pride? It's holding our own opinion above all others regardless of credential or
authority. Do you see how it could be about pride? Now, that's important as we
get into the fix. The title of the video is understanding and fixing low
self-esteem. So, hopefully we understand low self-esteem a little better than we
did a few minutes ago based on our new understanding of what it is. That's going to
help us know how to fix it. First, based on the research done by Dr. Bednar and
his colleagues, take on hard things. If you don't have any to take on, just wait
a minute. Life will hand you some. Take them on. See yourself taking on hard
things. Sometimes we avoid that because we're
that we might fail or were afraid that we don't know what we're doing or we're
afraid of the potential outcomes. You know what? Self-esteem literature
suggests that doesn't matter. What matters is seeing yourself taking it on.
Just the fact that you're willing to take on a hard thing is going to
increase and improve your self-esteem. Cool, right? Another step toward fixing
low self-esteem is to become more keenly aware of our own thinking. And being
willing to be a little more critical about that thinking. Metacognition is a
term that I've used here on the channel quite a bit. It means thinking about
thinking. And it's a really cool thing that we're able to do as human beings
because what it does is puts us in a position of choice. And that is HUGE.
Because once we're in a position of choice, we're thinking about our thinking;
we can accept or we can reject any of those thoughts that are being served up
to our mind. "I hate myself", for example. When we're thinking about our thinking,
we can take that thought "I hate myself'. "Huh, well does that serve me well or not?"
No. Not what I'm looking for. I don't think so. And we can reject that thought.
it doesn't mean you won't have the thought it means you can accept it or
reject it. How powerful is that? And don't be too quick to believe everything you
think. That's one of the common flaws of human psychology. We think that because
we think it, it's true. Don't be so darn prideful. Don't be too
quick to believe everything that you think. Now, here's the one that I thought
might surprise you. It's not about you. Let's quit being so darn selfish and
prideful that we think that our own opinion is the only one that's true. I
tell you what. If you accept the truth about who you are... One of my favorite
scriptures in all of the sacred writings that I
know is that the truth will make you free.
And I think free is free from all of the things that keep us stuck. And free to do
all of those things that we aspire to do. The truth about you is that you are
fundamentally good as a human being. As part of our human family, you are
fundamentally good. What if you believed that? What if you believed what I'm
saying is the truth about you? Now, I know that there will be little thoughts
that creep in and say, "No, I'm not..." Okay, that's your opinion. And don't be
so darn prideful that you hang on to your own opinion in the face of even
truth. What's true? What I told you is true. And this is more about what's right
then who's right. So, quit hanging onto your destructive pride. That surprises
most people because they think that to fix their low self-esteem, somehow they
have to fix their inadequacy. Welcome to earth. Your human being. Were perfectly
designed to be imperfect. It's how we roll here on the planet. Fixing
self-esteem has to do with accepting the truth. And abandoning that destructive
pride that has us holding on to our own opinion above everyone else's. You can
tell I get fired up about this stuff. I didn't just come across this by accident.
My own experiences have taught me this. And I've included some of those in my
book, Pathological Positivity. You get to hear more about my own story. How I
learned all of this stuff that I share in these videos. And I'm giving this away
for free. If you don't have your FREE copy yet, click on the link in the
description or go to DrPaulJenkins.com. Spelled with a D-R. And all the
buttons are really obvious. Just click on that. You get a free copy of my book. All
you do is pick up the shipping. And I'll send it right out to you.