[IHE Theme]
♪ Make that booty roll, make that booty dro- ♪
'Sherlock Gnomes' is a movie that was released.
*FART*
I guess so many people were clamoring for a sequel to...
*SIGH*
'Gnomeo and Juliet'
that seven years later a bunch of panicked executives got together
after realizing their 'Animated Movie Ideas' drawer was was completely empty,
and as a result...green-lit this.
The original film had a tiny budget for an animated movie of only $36 million,
and somehow made a whopping $193 million worldwide,
for some reason.
I guess gnomes were popular in 2011, or something?
I didn't realise these films were so ridiculously English?
All of you viewers outside of the UK must assume that us Brits love David Beckham,
the Beatles,
*SPLAT* fish and chips,
and I guess, gnomes?
I don't think I've ever actually seen a garden gnome in person before.
Who owns them?
They're the most tasteless, kitschy, unattractive-looking things,
and I don't understand why anyone likes them.
Let alone why anyone would think that it'd be a good idea to make...
not one movie,
but two movies
about garden gnomes.
Well, three if you count 'Gnome Alone',
which I guess was trying to cash in on that gnome blood money.
[Liam]: "I'm Liam. Strong and silent. I like that."
*VOMIT*
Oh, and how could I forget 'Gnomes and Trolls:
The Secret Chamber'?
*VOMIT AGAIN*
Am I in a living nightmare right now, or is what I'm looking at somehow a real movie?
Anyway, I'll have to save that one for another time.
'Gnomeo and Juliet' was pretty bad on its own.
It's quite literally, a beat for beat retelling of 'Romeo and Juliet',
except the characters...
are garden gnomes.
The scene where Juliet commits suicide after Romeo poisons himself seemed a little much for a kids' movie, though.
At the time of me writing this, I watched the first movie a day ago,
and I remember nothing about it
aside from an annoying frog commenting on how Juliet has a huge ass.
[Nanette (Annoying Frog]: "Uh-huh, uh-huh, nice junk in the trunk~"
(Some badly pronounced Japanese???)
Anyway, 'Sherlock Gnomes'. This is the real meat and potatoes.
[sarcastically] With a name that clever and hilarious,
[sarcastically] how could it fail?
*trance-y clubby music I guess*
If you want one good example of why this film failed,
let me go to its IMDb page and show you what kind of images they have available to show off the movie.
Oh, god.
Hmm...
Somebody thought this was a good idea.
Luckily for the hacks who made this movie,
Sherlock Holmes is in the public domain
so the film effectively writes itself.
They don't have to think of anything original.
That didn't stop them from making some hilarious jokes about other possible titles or sequels though.
[Goon 1]: "I know, Game of Gnome."
Even the 'Gnome Ranger'...
[Goon 2]: "-or the Gnome Ranger."
gets a shout-out.
Remember that?
Nope.
No, you don't.
*BARF*
What proceeds in the exact same way that 'Gnomeo and Juliet' is just...
'Romeo and Juliet' with gnomes,
is a pretty typical Sherlock Holmes story,
but every character...
you guessed it...
i-is a gnome.
Because... funny?
[Goon]: "What the f***!"
You know what, I'd be fine with a child-friendly animated Sherlock Holmes movie.
...why do they have to be gnomes, exactly?
Oh yeah, that's why.
Of course when you have Sherlock Gnomes, you also have to have his arch-nemesis, Moriarty.
[Sherlock Gnomes]: "Moriarty."
[Dr. Watson]: "Moriarty?"
They couldn't think of a funny pun for...
his name so he's just Moriarty,
who in this film is a pie mascot?
Who often looks more like one of the emojis from the 'Emoji Movie' than...
whatever he's supposed to be here?
[Moriarty]: "You enjoy our little game as much as I do."
Once Gnomes defeats Moriarty in the opening scene,
he's rude to Watson and then the sequence ends.
My excitement levels couldn't quite control themselves when we're finally reintroduced to the beloved cast from the first movie.
You got this hilarious one.
And this guy.
And how could I forget about this crazy mother****** right here?!
[Mankini]: "Oh...!"
*bubbling & sinking*
[Mankini]: "I'm okay!"
*TOOT*
[Mankini]: "Excuse me."
[Paris]: "Oh Mankini, that is dis-"
*TOOT*
[Paris]: "Are you done?"
*TOOT*
Sorry, I'm just getting too hyped about this.
It's hard to stay calm and collected when talking about my favorite gnomes from the...
GCU.
Whoever owns the gnomes moved house because they're in a new garden compared to the first one?
And they no longer segregate gnomekind based on the color of their...
hats?
There's a pretty important and totally justified subplot
where one of the gnomes is in love with the annoying frog,
but he doesn't...tell her that he's in love with her because...
conflict.
You need conflict.
[Nanette]: "Oh I think someone's got a crush on someone!"
[Benny]: "Mm. Maybe."
This frog is probably the worst character in...
any movie.
[Nanette]: "Freedom!"
[Nanette]: "Freedom!" She screams every line and just never shuts up.
[Nanette]:"Freedom!" I just...please, be quiet
I know kids are stupid,
and this film is clearly made for stupid kids,
but I reckon even Baby IHE would've been pissed off by this frog.
[repeat badly pronounced Japanese] Frog bad.
*BUZZER* Frog very bad.
[Lady Bluebury]: "Lord Redbrick and I are officially retiring."
Re-retiring from what?
What do you do, you're gnomes!?
The world-building is so lazy in these gnome movies,
and I know this might sound like a weird, ridiculous complaint considering...
what we're talking about here,
but if you're going to be completely indifferent about the rules and regulations of this gnome universe,
then why didn't you just make a straightforward Sherlock Holmes movie that was animated?
With humans 'cause Sherlock Holmes is a human.
The gnomes operate in a very similar way to how the toys in 'Toy Story' do.
The concept being that gnomes have their own society and have wars with each other
and race lawnmowers around
when they're not being looked at.
But whereas 'Toy Story' is consistent within the confines of its own rules,
in the gnome universe pretty random things can just come to life
depending on what funny scenes the writers could think of.
If it was just gnomes, then that would be fine, I guess?
But you got statues,
gargoyles,
and later on it just straight up turns into 'Toy Story'.
I know I probably harp on about this kind of thing way too much,
but I find it genuinely frustrating when films are so transparently lazy
about the way their rules and world-building works.
Watson and Gnomes have another argument
and the true plot of the movie unravels.
Garden gnomes are being stolen from people's homes and it's up to Sherlock...
to find out where they've gone.
Honestly, if you can get past the fact that Sherlock and Watson...
are gnomes,
the scenes with them are just...fine?
I do have a soft spot for these characters and the dynamic they have, though.
There are even some entertaining sequences where Sherlock goes into his mind-palace
like in the BBC show.
There's some nice 2D animation which makes me wish the whole film was just 2D animation.
But that don't sell no more so we got 3D.
*footsteps*
*BOOM*
Nothing's particularly original, but at least it's something...
for me to latch on to. At least there is something with creative input.
'Gnomeo and Juliet', however,
who remember, are actually in this movie,
have nothing to do in the film at all.
So their arc is that they fall out with each other because Juliet is more interested in cleaning the garden
over spending time with Gnomeo.
[Juliet]: "There will be plenty of time for us after I get the garden ready."
[Gnomeo]: "Unbelievable!"
Again, highlighting how there were clearly no ideas for this movie,
so most of the time, they just go through the motions.
"Movies need to have conflict, so let's take the two characters who have absolutely nothing to do,
and put them through the same arc
basically every character in any hack film like this goes through."
Wow, that's really fun.
That's really entertaining.
The two sets of characters clash when the main set of gnomes is mysteriously stolen from the garden
just before Sherlock arrives.
From here, the film is basically just an episode of 'Sherlock',
but with every character being a garden gnome,
or other random ornaments or toys.
Also obviously, with Gnomeo and Juliet thrown in for good measure,
'cause it had to be a sequel.
There's an action scene in a sewer,
a chase scene in China Town,
a bunch of clues and mysteries are discovered...
There's a strange scene where a doll has a musical number,
and this isn't a musical.
It's weirdly reminiscent of a scene from the terrible sci-fi film, 'Valerian',
that had Rihanna in it.
Watson is killed by a Gargoyle.
*dramatic music*
*Wilheim scream*
And then Gnomeo gets kidnapped.
However, we discover that the gnomes are all fine,
and are having a dance party.
'Cause it wouldn't be a bad animated movie without a bunch of...
dancing.
But something even more dastardly is afoot.
It's revealed that Watson was actually responsible for the gnomes disappearing all along.
*dramatic music & footsteps*
[Dr. Watson]: "No, Sherlock."
[Dr. Watson]: "Not Moriarty."
[Juliet]: "Watson?"
Because he was just so sick of Sherlock ignoring him,
and not taking him seriously as a sidekick,
and it was...
the only way...to get him to pay attention?
[Dr. Watson]: "This was the only way to get through to Sherlock."
Seems like a lot of work.
But then in an even more surprising turn of events,
it's revealed that the Gargoyles don't actually work for Watson,
they actually work for Moriarty,
who didn't die...
at the beginning, so...
*sigh*
[Moriarty': "To be fair, it is needlessly complicated, but that's what super villains do."
[Goon]: "What the f***!"
So then there's a twenty minute action scene
where Sherlock fights Moriarty, and Gnomeo and Juliet fly around on a drone.
*zipping drone sounds*
Of course, they win, all the gnomes are returned home,
and at one hour seventeen minutes, the film ends.
Barely even a feature film.
[Gnomeo]: "No s***, Sherlock."
Honestly, I'd be fine with the existence of this movie if they cut out all of the Gnomeo and Juliet scenes,
and had it be a straight-to-DVD Sherlock Holmes 15-30 minute short for kids.
But no, of course that's not enough.
That doesn't have the potential of being profitable enough.
Somehow...
through some black magic,
the people behind this film managed to make a film that's barely over an hour,
feel bloated and overly long.
There's clearly no passion or creativity behind the inception of this movie.
It's like it was made by an algorithm,
a computer generated product which only exists to try to squeeze out money from kids and grandmas.
And this really is a grandma movie,
with mostly safe, predictable humor,
apart from a weird...willy joke,
[Gnomeo]: "Don't call me 'Tiny D'."
and a nepotism one.
*cheers* [Paris]: Hurray for nepotism!
I guess that's for the adults.
With cute, adorable characters, and not much at stake.
I could imagine this being put on at Christmas for me when I was seven years old.
To try and keep me quiet for an hour.
That's not really the kind of thing the production companies would put on the box art, would they?
You're probably looking at this and wondering if this is really 'Search for the Worst'-worthy.
I find it so inoffensive that it's kind of hard to get that angry over.
This is probably mostly due to how competent the quality of the animation is.
Fidelity, character design,
aside from Moriarty, who looks terrible,
and expression in the animation is top-notch considering the budget they had.
Especially considering the ridiculous voice cast they have,
who probably collectively took half the budget.
It can be annoyingly over-animated and strangely bare at points,
*dramatic music*
[Moriarty]: "Saucy time!"
but the team of artists really had nothing to work with.
The setting really is the most restrictive thing about it.
It's so played out and overdone at this point,
that doing anything new and fresh with such a stagnant idea
would require so much work that it wouldn't be worth it,
considering the context of what we're talking about here.
It's what irritates me the most about this film existing.
Imagine this team of clearly capable animators being put to work on something spawned from an actual...
IDEA
from creators with a passion and a story they actually wanted to tell.
It's a film that exists out of obligation
a corporate, predictable secretion
straight from the bumhole of a money hungry, desperate studio.
One of the more interesting aspects about this movie is that the appalling advertising might be what actually killed it in the end.
There are certainly much worse films than this one,
that make plenty of money at the box office.
If you've seen the trailer, you'll probably know what I mean.
It's probably one of the worst trailers I've seen in recent years.
They purposefully cut the footage to make the film look worse than it is.
Which I'm surprised didn't actually work.
*FAAAART*
[Goon]: "What the f-!"
*FART*
[Sherlock]: "We're too late."
*FART*
[Sherlock]: "We'll need a ship."
[Gnomeo]: "No ship, Sherlock."
*FART*
[Gnomeo]: "Is he even listening to me? He's not listening, look!"
*FART*
[Sherlock]: "That's not how a squirrel shakes its behind."
[Sherlock]: "Mankini, can you demonstrate?"
[Mankini]: "Oh yeah~"
*FART*
[Sherlock]: "For future reference, that's not how a squirrel wags its tail."
[Sherlock]: "This is."
When I went to see 'Isle of Dogs' in the cinema, the audience I was with laughed more at the trailer for 'Sherlock Gnomes'
than they did for the feature they were there to watch,
so I thought this was going to be a slam dunk financially.
I guess putting Sherlock Gnomes and Gnomeo and Juliet into posters of better and more famous movies
somehow didn't make the film a success.
Go figure.
'Sherlock Gnomes' is about as good as an idea as 'Bee Movie',
which despite the healthy amount of memes it's spawned,
is a baffling, creatively bankrupt abomination of a film
that should have stayed being a two-sentence-long joke
and nothing more.
It leaves you with no question other than...
"W-why?"
Why did they sink so much money into this when it was a terrible idea from the get go
and it flopped as a result?
Why did they get big name actors like Johnny Depp and...
Chiwetel Ejiofor
for a movie like this?
Why is every song in the movie an Elton John song?
Why did anyone spend years assembling this pointless film about Sherlock Holmes...gnomes?
Why does this film exist?
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See ya.
[IHE End Theme]