Why do people dread the teenager years? It's because people think that teenagers
notoriously don't listen to their parents.
They put up walls, they won't look at you when you talk to them.
They act like they have everything figured out and that you can't tell them
anything. But it doesn't have to be that way.
There's actually a way to help teenagers listen to you. In fact, they
want to listen to you. Let's be honest. They want to be
understood, they want you to understand them. They
want a bond and a connection with you. So, you have to set up the environment in
a way where they will listen. In this video, I'm
going to share with you a story of one of my foster daughters who
did not want to listen to me. Then we'll talk about
the 5 classic ways that teenagers choose not to listen to their parents.
Then we'll discuss 5 steps parents can use to discipline
a child who won't listen.
I used to do foster care for troubled teens. They were all between the ages of
12 and 18 years old. And there was this one foster daughter I
had that was determined not to be talked. She
was very strong-willed. And if i needed to correct her or teach
her something, she would just look at me and put her
fingers in her ears. Sometimes even close her
eyes. Because I think small children convince
themselves that if they can't see it and they can't hear it then nothing has
to worry them or scare them. Well, she was trying to shut me
completely out. Literally showing me with all of her
body language, "I am not listening." So,
obviously, she needed some correction. She needed some help
to learn how to listen and that it would be safe to listen.
There are other ways that teenagers will show you that they're not listening.
For instance, they might just look away. Maybe you've seen that before. Another
really common thing is that they don't acknowledge that
you're even talking to them. "Yeah, mom, uh-huh, yeah." But they're really
not acknowledging. Or you're talking but they're just not
there with you. That feels so uncomfortable. But that's
their way of not having to deal with what you're really saying to them.
Another way that teenagers don't listen is they just simply don't answer you
back. They may look at you. They may seem
totally fine. But you may ask them a question such as
"Where were you after school today?" Yep. They just look at you.
Silence.
That's hard to know what to do with. Another thing teenagers often do
is they'll walk away when you're talking to them.
That is never acceptable and if there is one thing that gets a parent's blood
boiling, it's when the child starts walking away.
Well, we can talk about how to not get your blood boiling. In fact, I have a lot
of other videos that really get into your own calmness as a parent and stuff
like that. So, if you subscribe to this channel, you'll be able to learn a lot
more. But that is the one thing that can't
happen. So, we'll talk a little bit later in this video about how to handle it
when they do walk away. And then finally, sometimes they just
start doing something else. You tell them "I need you to go and do
this thing." They turn they walk away but they don't actually
do it. They go call their friend. They go play
their game. They sit in their room and listen to
music or something else. People call that obstinance, right?
It's open defiance. I told you you needed to do something
but you're obviously choosing not to do it.
All of these things are signs that your teenager
is not listening to you. When your teenager won't listen to you,
they need to be disciplined. In fact, they're craving it. They're
asking for it. They want to know where their boundaries are.
So, these are five steps that you can take
to discipline your teenager who's not listening to you.
Step number 1, when it is not the time that you are actually
correcting this problem. So, prior to the moment when they've chosen
not to listen to you, what you need to do is you need to teach
them to look in your eyes when you talk to them.
This just needs to be the family way that we discuss
things together. When you say, "Jonathan, I need to talk to you. Come here." Jonathan
knows. He looks right at your eyes, you look right at his eyes and you both
pause to have a moment where the instruction or teaching can sink in.
If you establish the habit of looking in each other's eyes
whenever communication occurs, this increases
the possibility that the child is going to remember what you say
and focus on your words as you're saying them.
The second step is children need to be taught the skills they need
for communicating effectively with you so that they don't choose not to listen.
So, if you've been able to tell, the first 2 steps
have to do with correcting a problem before the problem even starts.
And that is the best way to handle a problem.
In fact, I'm known as the self-government lady all over the world. I always look
through every problem through the lens of self-government. And
a key principle of self-government is you plan ahead of time. You look ahead.
You decide what it is that you need to learn
before a problem occurs so that handling that problem
is much easier. So, what skills do your children probably need to learn how to
do? They need to learn how to follow
instructions, accept no answers and criticism,
accept consequences and disagree appropriately.
I have other videos that go into more details on those 4 basic skills.
So check those out. But the first step to every one of those
4 basic skills is to look at the person. So, if you've taught them
how to look at the person and keep a calm face voice and body
while they're looking at you, you have conquered the biggest piece of
the problem of them not listening to you before you even have the interaction
where you're trying to get through to them.
Step number 3: To discipline someone means to correct them.
So, what you need to do is plan ahead of time
exactly how you will handle corrections before they even start.
Uh-oh, it's more pre-planning for success and more pre-planning for them to
actually listen to you when they need to be. So, let's say your
child is ignoring you when you're talking to
them. There's a certain script that you're
going to use every single time. Even if they act like they're ignoring
you, you know they know exactly what you're
saying. So, it doesn't matter if they don't
engage with you and act as if they are paying attention. You can rest
assured they know the words you're saying
and they know the correction that's coming. There are certain steps that we
go through in correcting our children. One of those
key steps is describing what happens then we describe what should have
happened and then we tell them what they earned
and we practice things the right way. So, that process needs to be understand
by the children. So, that they don't feel anxiety that
they don't feel like you are doing something out of the
ordinary. If they know this automatically before it ever even
happens, then even if they're pretending to ignore you
or they're walking away, you can say the words and they know what
they earned. Number 4, the children need to know
how to stop furthering corrections from occurring.
So, some children start ignoring and not listening
because they don't want the corrections to happen. Well, then just teach them how
to stop a correction. If you teach them how to follow
instructions which has 5 steps to it, you look at the person keep
a calm face voice and body. Say, "Okay" or you're asked to disagree
appropriately. Do the task immediately and then check back.
Then why does the person even have to worry about a correction occurring?
They can just do those five steps and the correction
interaction goes away. Finally step, number 5:
You need to teach the children exactly how you'll handle the situation
if they choose to continue to go out of control
or act like they're not listening to you once you've already done
the initial correction. We call this intensive teaching. And I have other
videos that talk about how to go through something called the
rule of 3. But there's a few key pieces in there that i want to bring out
to you so that you are aware. Number 1, if they walk away. So, in our
family, in the rule of 3, there are 3
negative consequences that my children can earn.
And they know that if they choose to turn and walk away from mom
when i'm talking to them, then they will choose to earn
all 3 of those negative consequences without
me even needing to do the words for that rule of 3. Also because I've
taught them the exact script that I will follow
when they choose to become even more oppositional,
and are going out of control, then if they
are not focusing on me and still not listening to me,
then i just keep talking. Even if they are yelling at me and trying to talk
over me, I just keep saying the words with the
same calm tone, looking at them thinking "I love you. It's
going to be okay." No matter what it's the same every
single time. And they know that. No matter how out of
control they choose to try to become. It can be
frustrating to try to get a teenager to listen to you who is determined to
show you that they're not listening. But they're just being strong-willed and
there are things that you can do. You don't need to worry about it. In fact,
you really shouldn't worry about it. Instead, work on creating
the environment and teaching the skills that they need
to learn to analyze themselves and to have better self-government.
For more help with your strong-willed children, you'll want to watch the next
video which is called How To Get A Strong-Willed Child To Listen.