Hello, hello, hello and welcome to my YouTube live stream.
I'm so excited to see all of you here today and connect with you guys.
This is my opportunity to actually connect with you on a direct level and get to chat
with you and see your chats.
Also, on Thursdays, I do a little Narcissism 101 so that you can understand narcissists
a little bit better so that you can negotiate with them better, which I what I really ... that's
my sweet spot.
That's what I talk about.
I am an attorney, so I teach people how to negotiate with high conflict personalities
in a way that helps you get what you want.
If you don't know me, I'm Rebecca Zung.
I am a top 1% attorney and the author of the books, Negotiate Like YOU M.A.T.T.E.R., And
Breaking Free, a step‑by‑step divorce guide.
I've helped thousands of people just like you, either in my practice or through this
channel.
If you haven't subscribed to my channel, I would love if you do that now and hit that
notification bell, and then you can be notified when I upload new videos, and also when I
go live like this.
On Tuesdays, I go live and I do my really super popular Ask the Attorney Anything sessions
and on Thursdays, I am doing these Narcissism 101 sessions.
I'm so excited to see all of you here and see where you're from.
I see somebody from Ohio and I see Jean from Scotland.
Hello in Scotland.
What time is it in Scotland right now?
And I see Sarah from Michigan and Mary from New York.
Today's topic ... Christina is asking me, "Is today's topic on divorcing or not?"
Yes.
And specifically what I'm going to be talking about is what narcissistic supply is and how
that plays out when you're negotiating with a narcissist.
It's a key thing that you need to understand about narcissists when you are negotiating
with them or when you're dealing with them at all.
Jean tells me it's 8:00 PM there, nice.
I in Honolulu.
Narcissistic supply, I've seen a lot of people ask this question, what is supply exactly?
You hear this word thrown around.
What supply actually is, is what drives the narcissist, which is anything that feeds their
ego.
Narcissistic supply can be what you normally think of what feeds people's egos like having
a big house or having lots of money or a prestigious job, or the right wife or husband, or living
in the right community, and all of those things that make you feel more important than other
people.
Those are all external sources of supply.
But the other way that they get supply is through what I call devaluing, debasing, judging,
degrading people, controlling people, intimidation tactics, gas-lighting, all those sorts of
things are also a way that narcissists get supply.
Understand that the narcissist is a very fragile, broken person inside and everything they do
is to cover up the fact that there's this tiny little thing inside that decided long
ago, long before you ever came into the picture, when they were maybe five, six, seven years
old, that the world is not a great place.
They can't trust the world.
It was either because they experienced some sort of trauma.
It may have been that they were neglected in some way, abused in some way.
I've even read things that overindulged children can become narcissists as well.
The bottom line is that they end up with no sense of inner value.
So they believe that they only get value from the external world and that they have to manipulate
it.
They have to lie about it, they have to manipulate it, and that nobody cares about them, and
so they don't really care about anybody else.
And in fact, if you try to care about them, they eventually end up punishing you because
there must be something wrong with you for caring about them because they have no inner
sense of value.
They have a very, very fragile sense of self.
In a divorce situation, you will see that injury ... You're far into the discard phase,
and if you haven't seen my videos on the three stages of a narcissistic relationship, I highly
recommend you go back and watch those.
It's love bombing, devaluing and discarding, and I have three different videos on each
of those sections of their relationship.
But they all interplay all the time.
They can be love bombing as they're devaluing, or love bombing as they're discarding, or
even as you're discarding.
So they go back and forth between these phases.
But what happens during the discard phase is you start to see the birth of the smear
campaign, and that's when you start to see them lining up, they're flying monkeys and
they have the triangulation and all that stuff is going on.
My Narcissism 101 last week was on flying monkeys.
If you want to know more about them, go check out that video as well.
But basically, when you are dealing with them in a divorce, they are in full on attack mode
because when you're dealing with a narcissist, you're either for them or against them.
So in a divorce situation, you're clearly against them.
So they go on full on attack mode and they start wanting to get you first and they start
doing all kinds of things to try to manipulate you.
And here's the key when it comes to divorcing a narcissist and dealing with supply.
The thing is that you have to figure out.
If you want to try to settle your case, and I just did a coaching call with somebody on
this this morning.
If you want to settle your case, then you need to figure out what form of supply means
more to them than the supply that they get from jerking you around.
The problem is that you, as a reasonable person are trying to resolve a case or resolve differences
or issues like a normal person.
You think, "What can we do to get to a place of being done with this case?"
Or, "How do we resolve this in a way that we each get something that's fair?"
Or "What does the law say?"
Or something like that.
You look at all of those things.
They don't look at that.
They'll tell you that they do, but what it really comes down to is what are they getting
out of this deal?
And if what they're getting is not more important to them than the supply that they get from
jerking you around, then they will continue to jerk you around.
For those of you out there who have been dealing with narcissists in a case for years, or even
just dealing with them for years, if they're still in your life, and they're still jerking
you around then that means that they are still getting some amount of supply.
They enjoy watching you squirm, they enjoy watching you get emotional, they get off on
that and they get supply from that.
That's their food, that's their oxygen.
That's what they breathe, that's what they live on.
Without that, they feel like they have no sense of self.
That's how they get their sense of self.
It's totally screwed up, but that's the truth, that's what it is.
That's what narcissistic supply is.
So when you're dealing with them in a divorce situation, or even a dissolution of a business
relationship, or even if you're dealing with a family member or a neighbor or somebody
in your life who's a narcissist, you have to understand that they get supply from making
your life miserable.
You have to figure out what supply source going to be more important to them to keep
than the supply source that they get from making you miserable.
And I do have a free webinar where I go much more deeply into how to communicate with them
and all sorts of other things, which you can definitely sign up for below.
I do my AAA, Ask the Attorney Anything session at the end of that as well.
For those of you who haven't joined me on my free webinar, you should definitely do
that.
For those of you who haven't grabbed my free Crush My Negotiation Prep Worksheet, you can
get that now too.
It's totally free.
It's 15 pages, it's basically an ebook.
I give you so much information for free and it's at winmynegotiation.com.
I just want to take a gander at some of the comments that you guys ... Christina says,
"I needed this reminder today."
I'm so glad.
I'm so glad that it was helpful for you.
And let's see.
And somebody is saying something about joining.
That reminds me, I do have a free private Facebook group as well.
It's called Narcissist Negotiators with Rebecca Zung.
If you want support, you want to connect with other people who are dealing with narcissists,
come on over and join us in that free private Facebook group.
It's super active, lots of people who are supporting each other in there.
So I'd love to see you in there.
I'm so excited to see Karen say, "Listen to Miss Zung.
Protect yourself."
I love that.
Abigail from Ontario, great to see you here.
Thanks so much for joining us.
Somebody is saying pre-mediation.
So if you're in pre-mediation, you are in the perfect position to get started.
In my Slide Program, I also talk about how to develop strategy and leverage and anticipate
what the narcissist is going to do and focusing on you and your case.
But if you're not ready to buy the Slide Program, definitely take my free webinar, grab my free
Crush My Negotiation Worksheet, make sure you subscribe here to this channel and make
sure you hit that like button and drop me a comment.
Let me know that you are here.
I'm excited to meet all of you.
I love doing these lives because it's my opportunity to actually be here with you directly and
you get to see me in the flesh and I get to meet you and connect with all of you guys.
Let's see.
Sarah says, "I used your guide after six hour mediation.
I held on and I got exactly what I wanted."
Go Sarah.
So excited to see that.
So if you guys want to be like Sarah, go to winmynegotiation.com and get your free guide.
I love it.
I'm really glad that I got to do this with you all here today.
Now you know everything you need to know about narcissistic supply and especially in the
context of negotiating or in negotiating a divorce or dealing with a narcissist.
And I will see you in the next video.
Remember that today is a great day to start negotiating your best life.