IS OUR 20th SHOW, AND SO FAR, IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN.
THIS IS MY FUN FACE.
(LAUGHTER) BUT IT'S ALSO BEEN A VOYAGE OF
SELF-DISCOVERY FOR ME.
YOU SEE, I SPENT NINE YEARS ON TV LYING ABOUT MY IDENTITY.
I AM STEPHEN COLBERT.
BUT FOR ALL THAT TIME, I WAS STEPHEN COLBERT, LOUD ANGRY MAN
WITH HIS OWN ICE CREAM!
ALL RIGHT?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BUT HE'S GONE NOW.
HE'S GONE NOW.
LUCKILY, THE ICE CREAM IS STILL AROUND.
(
OH!
COME TO ME, MY WAFFLE CONE LOVER!
MMM!
SO PART OF THAT GUY WILL ALWAYS BE IN HERE IN THAT MY AORTA NOW
HAS A CARAMEL CENTER.
(LAUGHTER) THE QUESTION STILL HAUNTS ME,
WHO AM I REALLY?
HOW CAN ONE EVER TRULY KNOW ONE'S SELF WHEN WE'RE TRAPPED IN
OUR OWN IDENTITY.
ARE MY EMOTIONS NOTHING BUT CULTURALLY CONDITIONED
RESPONSES, OR IS IT ME WHO LIKELY ENJOYS TACO BELL'S CRUNCH
WRAP?
CAN ANYONE TRULY BE SAID TO BE LIVING
(LAUGHTER) (
THAT'S BETTER THAN YOU THINK.
SO WHILE I MAY SAY THAT I AM STEPHEN COLBERT, THE ONLY WAY TO
KNOW IF I AM STEPHEN COLBERT WOULD BE TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR
TEST.
AND THAT'S DUMB.
(
IN THIS, THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF MY APPARANTLY MORE THAN ONE-
PART SERIES, "STEPHEN COLBERT'S WHO AM ME?"
(
TO UNDERGO LIE DETECTION, I SAT DOWN WITH POLYGRAPH EXPERT JOHN
LESSIO.
I'M TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO AM ME.
HOW COULD A POLYGRAPH HELP?
>> POLYGRAPHS ARE USEFUL FOR MANY REASONS.
NUMBER ONE, TO HELP DETERMINE IF SOMEBODY IS BEING DECEPTIVE
ABOUT A SPECIFIC ISSUE.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
>> ABOUT YOU?
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU ASK?
I AM STEPHEN COLBERT.
THAT'S MY NAME.
ARE WE DONE HERE?
I'D LIKE A LAWYER PRESENT.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO ARREST YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT UNDER ARREST.
SO I CAN GET UP AND WALK OUT.
THE DOOR'S NOT LOCKED.
>> YOU CAN WALK OUT ANY TIME YOU WANT.
>> Stephen: ♪ BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE...
WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS WILL YOU BE ASKING ME?
>> I'LL BE ASKING YES/NO QUESTIONS.
>> Stephen: YES/NO QUESTIONS.
AND WHY DO YOU ASK ONLY YES/NO QUESTIONS?
PLEASE ANSWER WITH ONLY YES OR NO.
(
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD.
I WAS TESTING YOU.
YOU'RE GOOD.
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WAYS YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE ARE LYING?
>> THINK ABOUT THIS, WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT A, DO YOU TELL
YOURSELF TO BREATHE?
>> Stephen: I DO, I REMIND MYSELF RIGHT BEFORE I FALL
ASLEEP.
KEEP BREATHING, LIKE MAYBE 40 TIMES IN MANHATTAN.
>> DO YOU TELL YOUR HEART TO BEAT?
>> Stephen: I TELL MY HEART TO BE FREE AND TO LOVE WHO IT
WANTS.
>> THE THINGS I JUST DESCRIBED ARE THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL,
ENIF YOU DO SPEAK TO YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: HOW DEEP DOES THE RECTAL PROBE GO?
>> NO RECTAL PROBES.
>> Stephen: THEY CUT THAT OUT OF THE TEST?
>> IT'S INTERESTING YOU SAID THAT.
I HAVE A MOTION SENSOR.
>> Stephen: THAT TAKES THE PLACE TO HAVE THE RECTAL PROBE?
>> IT BASICALLY WILL MONITOR YOUR LOWER EXTREMITIES.
>> Stephen: WHAT MOVEMENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING?
>> WIGGLE YOUR TOES, FLEX CALVES.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT KAGLES.
IT WILL INTERFERE WITH YOUR POLYGRAPH RESULTS.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF I'M DOING ONE NOW?
>> IT WILL KEEP A LOT OF WORK KEEPING YOU FOCUSED.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GREAT.
I FEEL LIKE LIFE, IF I CAN USE THAT TERM IS SOMETHING THAT YES
IT'S GOING TO BE HONEST ABOUT BUT SOMETIMES WE'RE IMPROVING
WITH EACH OTHER.
DO YOU DO THAT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NAME AN OBJECTION.
OFTBALL.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER ONE.
BASEBALL.
>> Stephen: NOT SPORTS.
LADIES' SHOES.
>> Stephen: SHOES.
AND AN OCCUPATION.
>> HOW ABOUT WE USE ACCOUNTANT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, HERE WE GO.
BASED ON YOUR SUGGESTION OF LADIES' SHOES AND ACCOUNTANT --
(LAUGHTER) I GOT NOTHING.
MORNING, DOCTOR!
OH...
GREAT SOFTBALL GAME!
AHHH!
I'M NOT GOOD AT.
THIS I GUESS I'M NOT A GOOD LIAR.
I'M AN HONEST PERSON.
>> ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, ONE BEING HONEST, TEN BEING
DISHONEST, WHERE DO YOU FALL?
>> Stephen: GIVE ME THE SCALE AGAIN.
>> ONE TO TEN.
>> Stephen: TEN IS GOOD?
TEN IS GREAT.
>> Stephen: THEN I'M A TEN.
WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT.
DID YOU JUST READ ME?
>> YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGURE ME OUT JUST LIKE I'M TRYING TO
FIGURE OUT YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT TRYING TO FIGURE YOU OUT.
>> HUMAN NATURE.
CAN'T HELP IT.
>> Stephen: I CAN HELP MYSELF.
I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN ORGASM.
EVER HELPED YOURSELF?
>> QUITE A FEW TIMES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
GOOD, THANK YOU FOR BEING HONEST ABOUT THAT.
I'VE HEARD MANY SOCIOPATHS ARE ABLE TO FOOL POLYGRAPH TESTS.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> THERE'S BEEN NO CASE STUDIES ABOUT SOCIOPATHS.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU MET A SOCIOPATH?
>> NOT YET BUT -- >> Stephen: SO YOU WOULD
RECOGNIZE ONE IF YOU SAW ONE?
>> ONLY BY THEORY.
>> Stephen: THEY TREAT LIVING AS A HUMAN SOMETHING THEY HAVE
TO STUDY.
>> YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT SOCIOPATHS.
>> Stephen: IT'S JUST A HOBBY.
I'M NOT A SOCIOPATH BUT I LIKE KNOWING WHAT THEY'RE LIKE SO IKO
OCCASIONALLY PRETEND TO BE LIKE THEM BUT I'M NOT.
I'M NOT A SOCIOPATH.
I'M AN ENTERTAINER.
ENTERTAINERS ARE PEOPLE WHO PRETEND TO BE OTHER HUMAN BEINGS
SO THAT OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WILL LIKE THEM.
SOCIOPATHS PRETEND TO BE OTHER HUMAN BEINGS SO OTHER HUMAN
BEINGS WILL THINK THEY'RE HUMAN.
THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE.
>> Stephen: SO MAKE YOUR SKITS SCHIZOPHRENIC?
-- >> SO MAKES YOU SCHIZOPHRENIC?
>> Stephen: NOT AS FAR AS I KNOW.
>> LET'S GET TO IT.
>> Stephen: LET'S LOSE THE PANTS.
I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY REGRETTABLE ABLGZS.
TURNS OUT, I DID NOT HAVE TO TAKE OFF MY PANTS.
AND WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THESE ON MY FINGERS?
SO I CAN'T CROSS MY FINGERS WHEN I'M LYING?
I WAS WRAPPED, STRAPPED AND THE PROBES WERE SNUG AS A BUG WITH
FANCY SQUIGGLES.
JOHN COULD TELL IF ANY PART OF MY BODY WAS BEING DISHONEST.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU READY FOR THE TEST?
>> DO I HAVE TO ANSWER HONESTLY?
NO.
>> Stephen: THEN YES.
REMAIN STILL.
REGARD WHO YOU REALLY ARE, DO YOU INTEND TO ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
ABOUT THAT?
>> Stephen: YES.
ARE YOU A COMEDIAN?
>> Stephen: YES.
UNLESS NO IS A FUNNIER ANSWER.
>> DO YOU WORK FOR CBS?
>> Stephen: WORK IS A STRONG WORD.
>> YES OR NO, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: YES.
I WORK FOR CBS.
THE GREATEST TELEVISION NETWORK EVER.
>> ARE YOU THE HOST OF "THE LATE SHOW"?
>> Stephen: YES.
UNLESS THIS IS AN ELABORATE PRANK BEING PULLED BY JIMMY
KIMMEL.
ARE YOU -- DUDE!
I SEE THE CAMERA!
RIGHT DOWN THERE!
YOU GOT ME!
YOU GOT ME, KIMMEL!
YOU'RE GOOD!
WAIT A SECOND -- THAT'S JUST GUILLERMO!
THEY SHAVED GUILLERMO!
>> YES OR NO?
>> Stephen: YES.
JOHN CONTINUED TO GRILL ME FOR WHAT MAN TADGED INTO 20 SECONDS.
>> I'M HALVESIES ON THAT.
ARE YOU OKAY, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: GOT ME, I STOLE THE NAME DON DRAPER DURING THE
KOREAN WAR AND SOLD MY STORY TO MATTHEW WARNER.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
FINALLY THE BIG QUESTION.
>> ARE YOU STEPHEN COLBERT?
>> Stephen: WHAT IT SAYS ON MY BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO CARD, STEPHEN
COLBERT.
ALSO, IS THERE A BLOCKBUSTER AROUND HERE?
BECAUSE I GOT TO RETURN MY COPY OF THE PELICAN BRIEF.
>> YES OR NO, STEPHEN.
ARE YOU STEPHEN COLBERT?
>> Stephen: YES.
THIS TEST HAS ENDED.
PLEASE REMAIN STILL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, JOHN.
GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.
WHO AM ME?
>> WELL, STEPHEN, WHEN I LOOK AT THE QUESTION, ARE YOU STEPHEN
COLBERT, IT'S CONCLUSIVE TO SAY, IN FACT, YOU ARE STEPHEN
COLBERT.
>> Stephen: YES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: YES!
THAT WAS THE ANSWER I WAS LOOKING FOR!
WHOO!
WELL, THERE IT IS.
I AM BEING HONEST ABOUT WHO I AM.
I JUST HAVE NO HONEST IDEA OF WHO ME IS.
BACK TO YOU, STEPHEN.
WHOEVER YOU ARE.
>> Stephen: THANKS, STEVE.
I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF.