From the horse-faced director who starts shooting before finishing scripts,
based on a children's cartoon designed to sell toys
comes a movie designed to sell toys,
toys you can't even tell apart - except for the black one.
"This looks like a cool place to kick it."
Together, they will unite with this stuttering teenager.
"No no no no no no no no!"
"No no no!"
"Oh, no no no!"
"No no no no!"
"No!"
to defeat a bad guy who doesn't appear until
almost two hours into the movie.
But in the meantime, there's gratuitous porny
shots of Megan Fox,
weird racism,
"Hey, mommy!"
and robot fights that erupt around random
hot girls Michael Bay was trying to pork.
This summer, you will say:
what
the hell
is happening?
Until they give the bad guy the thing he wants,
and then it kills him. Seriously.
It's f*cking stupid.
Starring...
Burger King
Panasonic
eBay
Cadillac
GMC
The Strokes
Pepto Bismol
X-Box
Furbies
Pontiac
Mountain Dew
Chevrolet
and introducing Chevrolet.
BATTLESHIP. I mean, TRANSFORMERS.
C'mon, they both look the same. Oh man, The Ninja Turtles are f*cked.
Based on the tragedy that spawned thousands of heart-breaking true stories
comes this fake one. Jack is an unrealistically sexy peasant,
and Rose is a first-class suicidal pair of boobs.