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Girl, I told you to pay the f****** telly licence!
I can act it out for you. Don't worry!
Hello everybody! I am The Vivienne.
And I'm Tia Kofi.
-And we are... -Queens
who like
to watch!
-Ok, I love Eurovision. -People either love it or hate it.
It's my favourite thing in the world. Like, literally.
Would you ever do Eurovision?
I don't know.
Shall we do it together?
I mean, we could.
I think Baga and Divina are going in for it, aren't they?
Frock Destroyers.
Oh my God. We should create some TV show.
I like The Frock Destroyers vs. United Kingdolls.
The Roads to Eurovision. Can you imagine?
Oh, can't it be Filth Harmony vs. Banana Drama?
-Don't mention Filth Harmony! -Don't mention Banana Drama!
Triggering. Triggered.
Same.
Gorgeous.
This is such a different role for Rachel McAdams, as well.
Oh, gorgeous!
I can't tell you how obsessed with Eurovision I am.
-Really? -Yeah.
-Are you that gay? -I am... beyond that gay.
I literally... Give me a year, I'll tell you what happened.
The only year I was ever interested in Eurovision was...
Do you remember Lordi?
-The Monstermen. -Yes, absolutely! Finland.
-Winners. -Yes, and they won.
I was obsessed with them. And I went to...
They were the first ever live band I ever saw.
-You saw them live? -Yeah, they were amazing.
I was about 14 or 15.
And then, after the gig, we went around to the stage door to look.
Mr. Lordi was just stood there having a fag.
In his full, like, prosthetics?
In full-on Monsterman outfit.
Oh, gorgeous. That inspired my look for today.
-Wow! -Yes.
-You're good. -You're good.
What is it you don't understand...
-Is that Bond? -It is.
Looking a little bit different, but still a snack.
-Pierce Brosnan? -Yeah.
Mrs. Doubtfire, James Bond...
Now Eurovision.
-What a grump. -Woah.
-Oh, come on, ABBA. -Icons.
Do you know Celine Dion started in the Eurovision Song Contest?
Do you know what I love about Celine Dion?
You know, God rest his soul, René, the husband.
She was 14 at the time.
-Oh, gag. -He was literally an old man.
If I'd gone home when I was 14 to my parents and gone:
"Oh, by the way, my new manager is now my love interest
and he's, like..."
Was that your plan when you went to see Lordi aged 14?
-It was... -Try and hook up with them.
See what happened. See where it went.
This is my new husband, Mr. Lordi. Can you imagine?
So, Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams are, like,
in a band together and this is their local
where they try and entertain people and no one cares.
And they think they're amazing.
-Yeah. -But they're a bit s***.
Yeah. It's very me performing at Halfway to Heaven energy.
-And they've got a child drummer. -Yeah!
-Talent starts at a young age. -Not a bit strange.
That's a good old wig, though, on Will Ferrell.
-Human hair. -Human hair unit.
Do you know apparently there's a lace front shortage at the moment?
-Yeah. -That's a real thing.
Thirteen years ago, I started drag and lace fronts were like...
Oh, you were the crème de la crème if you had a lace front.
Nowadays, it's hard to get a f****** hard front.
But now it's all switched.
There's no lace fronts now. Only hard fronts.
-Yeah, exactly! -Madness.
And all the kids, that's all they know.
Fancy lace front wigs.
They didn't have to go through the tough times.
Oh, look at her lace. Look at her lace!
Listen, 14-year-old f***wit from f****** the a***hole of nowhere.
You go on f****** HD telly and not see your lace, then come and moan.
14-year-old f***wit. Just say Ellie Diamond.
I can't bear them, all these trolls online: "I can see your lace."
F*** off!
Just slowly zoom in on your lace!
You try and clock it, love. You try.
Zoom in.
Don't zoom in on mine.
Zoom in on this!
-I can't cope with this right now. -Ding dong!
It reminds me of "Bing Bang Bong" too much.
This foreshadowing.
Yeah, right?
You reckon that's where Drag Race producers got "Bing Bang Bong"?
Well, I don't know, because...
See, this song's camp and very Eurovision
and then they chose the other group
who weren't camp and Eurovision.
I'm not bitter. I'm not bitter.
I'm bitter. I'm bitter.
-I can't take this s***, ok? -Ok!
-It's, like, this much s***. -I know!
I can maybe take this much s***, but it's up here.
Literally me getting into drag.
Hey, Lars.
Get back in there right now and play "Ja Ja Ding Dong"!
Who's that?
He's just a guy from Iceland who lives in their, like, village
who just loves "Ja Ja Ding Dong".
I'm pretty sure the actor's on cameo, now.
Just for that one line.
Oh my gosh!
Is she massive or are those houses really small?
It's a tiny elf house.
She got them a whole picnic.
Delicious.
F****** waste of whisky.
Not if you're an elf.
Good day, my elf friends.
-I made you some biscuits. -Oh, she's on some good s*** there.
She just really wants to do Eurovision.
If you couldn't knock them I'd think it's the bailiffs.
If the door knocks and you're not expecting anyone, you go...
I reckon if you're a bailiff for an elf house,
you could just pick it up, do you know what I mean?
-Oh yeah. -Just take it with you!
It's not too big.
They really do believe in elves.
In Iceland.
-Yeah, they give, like, offerings-- -Is that where Santa lives?
No, that's Lapland.
Is this Iceland?
So why is there grass?
It's not just ice.
I thought Iceland was, like, full-on...
No, there is ice.
But it's like... They've got, like, land as well: Iceland.
It's not like the Arctic. It's a country in Europe!
What?
It's, like, an hour away.
So, there's, like, Iceland,
then Tesco and Asda?
Yeah.
I expect to see Kerry Katona pop out.
-With her prawn ring. -Prawn ring.
It's so cheesy, Eurovision, isn't it?
Do you remember...
Yeah! Verka Serduchka for the Ukraine.
-Absolutely. -I loved...
Stop making a fool of yourself. You're going to look ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure Will Farrell and Pierce Brosnan are, like,
the same age.
But he's like:
"I'm casting this film, so you can play my dad."
I'm in Fire Saga
Oh, God. Can you imagine?
-Is she going on without him? -She has to.
It's time. It's a live show.
Wait!
...I'm in double trouble tonight
I mean, this is a bop.
-Can we do a duet of this? -We can try.
That'd be me. Too much f****** food the night before.
Not this.
I actually find this, like, really distressing.
Everyone laughing at him while he's living his dream.
Reminds me of being dressed as an ice cream cone on Drag Race.
Know what? I'd have said: "Excuse me.
I hope you're having fun there drinking your f****** life away
in that pub you're never going to leave for the next 14 years.
But I'm having a ball on Eurovision."
-Exactly. -So...
Live your truth, Will Farrell's character. Live your truth.
What's your worst performance?
Well, you watched season two, so...
-It's just episodes one to six. -You were fabulous!
You were so good on Drag Race.
Oh, do you know what?
Doing a roly poly in front of RuPaul.
Who can say they've done that?
Ok, he's camp.
Those are my favourite entries in Eurovision,
when it's, like, very homoerotic.
I think that's when 10-year-old me realised.
-That you loved c***? -Yeah!
That's the real place where they had...
I think it was Eurovision 2018.
Oh, you really are that Eurovision gay, aren't you?
I really...
-Do you have Eurovision parties? -Yes, dear!
I once flew over a Eurovision winner
to perform at a gig that I was doing.
-Who? -Emmelie de Forest, Denmark.
Oh yeah, her?
Yeah. I mean, that event made a loss.
Kevin...
Kevin Swayne. I think you know my full name.
Are these two homosexuals?
Well...
They're from Russia, so they don't say it,
but we know.
They're f****** elbow-deep in each other. Look at them.
Mita, Mita!
Come, come! Come meet my Icelander.
Baby--
I think she sort of liked the Russian guy's beard.
Have you got anyone in your family that you think's a big homo?
-Who's, like, never come out? -Well, myself.
I've got one cousin on my dad's side.
We were both born within two weeks of each other.
Did not grow up together at all. Both massive homos.
-You think it's weird? -Would you sleep with him?
Well, no. He's my cousin.
Yeah, but my family are travellers. I mean...
-Keep it in the family. -A few bevvies, like.
-Probably not. -A bit of ket?
-Still probably not. -Spliff?
-Alright. Go on. -Altogether.
Why not? Treat yourself!
What's going on?
-Lars, it's a song-along. -A song-along?
-Have you been to song-along? -No.
Ok, this is a moment. This is a full moment.
How well do you know, like, past Eurovision?
Not at all.
Ok, I'll talk you through the process.
-That's a lot of-- -I know Conchita won.
Ok, so he was in the real Eurovision.
And I can't break through.
-Do you like Cher, Viv? -No.
-Never heard of her. -Can't bear her.
France.
He represented France. That's not his name.
You're gonna be the lonely one, oh
Loreen. She represented Sweden. She won.
Why has this turned into f****** Glee?
Oh, but this is the best moment!
It's like all singing, all dancing Eurovision
with actual Eurovision contestants.
This is, like, my full idea of heaven.
I want to glass everyone.
Is this, like, your nightmare?
It's... not a dream.
Oh, God.
Jamala. Love her.
I really like Eurovision. It wasn't a joke!
Waterloo
Oh, this is camp, though. You've got to admit it's camp.
-Is that Conchita? -It is!
That's what we call her in Manchester: Conchit-uh.
Conchit-uh.
She wants a burg-uh.
Tonight's gonna be the same old shite...
I wish this was what a drag queen's dressing room was like.
We're lucky if we get a f****** disabled toilet, never mind that.
Where's the weirdest place you've ever got ready in drag?
Erm, I once had to get ready in a kitchen
where they were also serving a Sunday lunch.
-So, it was me with... -That sounds like heaven.
But I didn't even have a mirror,
so I was just in the reflection of a microwave putting my makeup on
while they were serving roast potatoes.
I was like: "Can I have one?" "No, get back."
One eyebrow, ding. Oh my God.
I was coerced once into doing a Rocky Horror Show
flash mob in the middle of town in Liverpool.
I once got a cease and desist from the Rocky Horror Company.
-What? -Yeah.
Why?
I was doing, like, a viewing party of the film
and it was, like, meant to be a sing-along
and I got people to, like, dress in the costumes
and they were like: "You can't do that."
And they sent me an email to stop and I was like:
"Well, I've already sold the tickets, now."
Tell them to get f******.
If it wasn't for us, they wouldn't be as relevant as they are today.
-Literally. -Isn't it?
Have you ever fallen asleep in full drag?
-On the daily. -Literally me.
Like, I'll do it after this.
That's how I take my makeup off. With my f****** pillow.
Either that or David's a***hole.
-Has he made that? -Maybe.
That's better than us in the f****** sewing challenge.
Don't talk to me about sewing challenges!
That was not my moment.
I mean, my dress looked a bit like that, to be honest with you.
Just in green.
And I think I know rotten shark meat when I smell it!
Have you ever fallen out with anyone,
like, before you've gone on stage,
like a creative difference breakup?
Yeah. I mean, I used to do a quiz with Sum Ting Wong for two years.
-Yeah, every week. -Say no more!
Have you ever pulled anyone's wig off?
I've chased someone down the street
because they pulled my friend's wig off.
Like, in full heels.
Like sprinted down The Strand to, like, go and shout at a girl.
She literally walked past and, like, ripped someone's wig off.
I was like: "Who the f*** do you think you are?"
That's one thing you just don't do to a queen.
I knocked someone's tooth out once in GBar.
And that's how we met.
It's fine. I paid for a new tooth for Tia.
-I love a good semi. -I've got one right now.
Dirty b****.
It's just nice to see you.
-We're about to get underway. -Oh, it's our Graham!
Gray Gray!
Hello our Graham.
Was he nice to you when you were there?
He was lovely. He was so nice, yeah.
I knew I'd get sent home on an Allan episode, not a Graham one.
Do you know what I mean?
I felt the energy.
-Is that Mr. Lordi? -That's your boyfriend!
-Is it? -Yeah. Mr. Lordi.
It is as well.
But would you?
-No? -Why would you want to shag that?
I don't know. Clout?
A clown?
-No, clout. -You're not well.
It's the same song they sang before.
Yeah. So, this is the semi-fi...
That was the rehearsal. This is the semi-final.
Why is he in a hamster wheel?
You know what? They've actually had a hamster wheel on Eurovision.
-Have they? -Yeah.
It's going well.
The scarf!
Oh no.
Oh, the scarf!
Oh, like when Beyoncé got her hair stuck in the fan.
Oh my God. And she, like, rips...
Just rips her hair out.
Oh, not this.
I'd give them points for that.
-Oh my God. -If she loses a limb, you can win.
That rhymed.
You should write it down.
She didn't deserve that.
That's shameful. You'd die, wouldn't you?
You're representing your country.
Especially with James Bond sat watching you.
Rough, isn't it?
Professionalism.
That's what you do, isn't it?
You fall off the stage, you get back up.
Have you ever fallen off a stage?
-Yeah. -Really?
Do you know Jade Justine?
She's a friend of mine.
She once fell off a stage and threw up in a handbag
and then got back up and finished the song.
In her own handbag?
No, someone else's handbag.
Was that it? They out?
I feel like you've got to vote for that, though.
After that performance.
Jeff! Go man, come on!
Put the pedal to the metal. Let's go.
What about the speed limit?
There is no speed limit in all of Europe!
That's not true. That's a lie.
Lying to the Americans.
Fake news.
Fake news. Fake news.
That was quite a good Trump. You should try it.
Do you know I do a great Scary Spice?
-I'm getting flustered. -He's got to be a hom.
-He very much is. -He loves the c***.
He does.
He is quite fit. It's not just me, is it?
-I feel like it's just me. -I just want to punch him.
Me too, but in, like, a sexy way.
What, in the a***?
You ever fisted anyone?
Well, not voluntarily.
Oh, I couldn't.
It would just be like punching a trifle.
A warm trifle that's been dropped from a very great height.
Stop!
I could go for a trifle, though.
-I'm starving. -Do you want to get a trifle?
-Chippy after here? -Yeah, let's do it.
Fact of truth. No gay Russian.
-Non-binary? -No non-binary. I "he/him" pronoun.
I love that.
We've got a movie where they're talking about pronouns.
-That's camp. -It's modern.
She's singing this song again?
Stop, stop. Stop the music, please.
Stop! Stop!
I thought that was Ulrika Jonsson the whole time.
That's not Ulrika Jonsson.
Ever since I was a small child,
I always dreamed of winning the contest.
Oh my God, literally me.
Poof.
You know, Eurovision is much more than a competition.
It is.
The music is not a contest.
You're in the wrong place, love.
That's kind of what Eurovision is, really.
It's a lot of block voting.
Oscar right here.
I mean, die of horror or be thrilled.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
This could be us next year.
She does look like Ulrika Jonsson, though.
-She's singing in Icelandic. -She's singing in Icelandic!
Yeah, that's what I said.
Do you reckon if you were from Iceland, you'd be, like,
so, like, pr...
'Cause that song's been nominated for an Oscar
and it's in your, like, language.
-You'd be so proud. -If you were from Iceland, yeah.
That's amazing.
Even more proud if it was actually my country that did it
and not Will Ferrell.
-Yeah, true. -Do you know what I mean?
-That note, though. -Is that what it's about?
That's the spirit note right there.
He's fuming. He knows he's lost.
Well, that's not their song. They're going to get disqualified.
-Really? -Yeah. It's not their song.
-Come on. They've got to win. -They sang a different one.
Yeah, but you've got to overlook the rules for that.
Well, no. It's like if you turn up to Eurovision
and then started singing Sugababes' "Push the Button",
you'd get disqualified.
Yeah, but they've even dropped the confetti. You can't do that.
I'm 100% sure that was Ulrika Jonsson.
You're obsessed with Ulrika Jonsson.
Yeah. I mean... aren't you?
Quite beautiful, really.
I wish he'd said that to me on the show.
You deserve to be happy, too.
Mother Russia does not agree.
Come to Greece with me.
Oh, he's going to go to Greece so he can be gay!
Straight to Mykonos.
Have you ever been?
-I've never been to Mykonos. -Me neither.
I used to live in Gran Canaria.
That was gay enough for my lifetime, I think.
Well, Tia. That was Eurovision.
Yes it was.
Definitely enjoyed the film.
I don't know if I'm ever going to be that Eurovision gay.
But, after watching that, you've got to.
Like, the glitz, the glamour, the music.
-The incest. The beard gays. -Yeah.
D. all of the above.
I'm into it. That's why I love Eurovision so much.
-Do you like Eurovision? -Oh, I've never mentioned it.
It's a year-long fascination.
Oh, it just seems like too much investment.
I can only just have a bath to get ready to watch Corrie.
Eurovision is my Corrie.
Well, that was Eurovision
and, if you enjoyed our little run down of it, as mad as it was,
you can watch Eurovision in full on Netflix.
Yeah, do it! Watch it. It's camp.
So, I've been The Vivienne and you are...
Tia Kofi, off Drag Race and stuff.
-We'll see you soon. Taaraa! -Bye! Love you, bye.
The whole time you did that, I was just, like,
quietly trying to put the glass down.
I was like...
-That looked funny. -... like a slow-mo of just not into it.
It's like... I, like, hover here for a while
because I'm like: "It's going to make a noise and ruin everything."
My nose is shiny!