[applause, cheers]
Thank you! (laughing)
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much!
Thank you so much.
[applause continues]
It's fine, sit! Thank you!
Thank you very much.
When Mark Twain first
emailed me about the Mark Twain Prize
I have to admit I totally misunderstood,
I assumed that I was being asked to
honor somebody else who was receiving the Mark Twain Prize and I thought,
"Oh my god what a hassle."
I mean, seriously, who would put me through this?
I have to go all the way to Washington DC which, no offense, is a nightmare
and make up flattering things
to say about how funny someone else is?
No ——— way.
(laughter)
And then, I reread the email, and I realized, "Oh, it's me! They're giving it to
me! I get the prize!"
And my attitude about the whole thing changed, it really did.
I don't know—honestly! (laughter, applause)
I really don't know what I was thinking, this is a great night, and a great honor
and in beautiful Washington DC no less!
Anybody would be lucky to be a part of a
night like this honoring somebody like me, right?
(laughter)
As a great fan of the work of Mark Twain I was
so sorry when I recently learned he was dead.
(laughter)
My thoughts and prayers go out to the
whole Twain family
especially the wonderful Shania.
(laughter, applause)
Unfortunately the President of the United States couldn't make it tonight
either, even though he lives in the neighborhood
Mondays through Wednesdays.
(laughter, applause)
I am so lucky to have been on television doing comedy for more than 35 years
isn't that ridiculous? It's, you know, the really ridiculous thing is that I am
just as good at drama. Yeah, I'm gonna tell you a little story, it's a little
trivia, the the very same week that I got cast in Seinfeld, I was being considered
for the juicy little part of Portia in director Sir Peter Hall's Broadway
production of The Merchant of Venice apparently I didn't get the part since
someone else eventually played the role on the stage and, you know, of course I'm
happy that I didn't get that part because if I had, I would never have
played Elaine on Seinfeld, and without Seinfeld I would not be here today so
you know it worked out great, totally fabulous, no regrets here, none at all.
None whatsoever. Anyway, I think it's time for me to get
into some serious thank-yous.
Abbi and Ilana, thank you so much for taking time
out of your busy schedule just to be completely clear I gave an excellent
audition for Merchant of Venice, okay, I mean just objectively speaking now, I,
I nailed it, okay, so I'm just a little confused as to why Peter Hall didn't cast
me. That's all, that's all. I'm not upset obviously because I love comedy, and
I love my career.
Uh, so, um.
Where was I? Oh yes yes yes. Keegan!
Oh my god, Keegan Michael-Key!
I thank you so much for being here on my special night look Sir Peter Hall might
have made a mistake. okay? My audition was
Portia's speech about mercy, you all
probably know the scene, I mean obviously, I am NOT gonna perform it
right now, because that would be a pretty weird tangent to hear Shakespeare
intelligently and energetically performed in the middle of a comedy
tribute to me so, ahem.
Kumail, thank you for being here. It is so inspiring that you
were able to co-opt your wife's harrowing medical ordeal for an Oscar
nomination.
(laughter, applause)
Bryan Cranston, you are a truly incomparable talent and a pleasure to
work with, you know when I think of us on Seinfeld, um—look, I'm just going to do it.
You want to hear it, right?
I can do Shakespeare, okay?
(laughter, cheers)
(clears throat)
The quality of mercy is not strain'd!
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
upon the place beneath!
It is TWICE bless'd.
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes!
(laughter, cheers)
Thank you.
And Stephen Colbert, my fellow Northwestern alum, thank you so much for
being here, you were my every night hero when at 11:35 a nation turns its lonely
eyes to you woo-woo-woo.
(laughter, cheers)
Stephen used to play a manic conservative, and now he plays a
depressed liberal, THAT is range, ladies and gentlemen.
It is so great to see Lisa Kudrow
here, setting me up just like in the old days when Friends would set up
Seinfeld, and just like in the old days Jerry's, got all the money.
And my darling,
dear, sweet, Tony Hale. If I weren't already married
and Bryan and Keegan weren't already married
and if you weren't already married, then I'd
definitely get your opinion about any guy I was dating before marrying him.
(laughter, applause)
And Tina Fey, you are a comedy genius whom I admire above all humans
Tina was honored with the Mark Twain prize, too - you know before they got real
serious about who they give these things to.
And thanks to my wonderful neighbor Jack Johnson, I was gonna make a joke about
Jack Johnson, but for the love of God can't something remain sacred this
evening?
and finally to my wonderful friend, Jerry Seinfeld, I learned a lot
from Jer over the years, principally, the importance of hard work.
Jerry killed himself to make Seinfeld good. He and Larry David worked so hard,
it is, actually, it is impossible to describe, and they didn't just do it to
make the show successful, because once it was successful,
they worked even harder, and I hope, I hope a little of that rubbed off on me.
I grew up here in Washington DC back during the quaint, old-fashioned
"rule of law" period.
(laughter, applause)
Being funny was a big part of my growing up, my great-grandmother Bessie was the
first person I remember telling jokes.
She was in her 90s, and I was really
little, and she would do these extremely repulsive impressions of her first-grade
teacher having life-threatening seizures, at least I think it was an impression,
anyway!
either way, I realize now, that it was
offensive, and she was way way out of line, but when I was 5 years old
hilarious stuff!
My mom and dad got divorced when I was 3,
also hilarious!
My mom is actually here tonight with 80 of her closest friends.
(laughter, applause, cheers)
Last year, I was lucky enough to get an Emmy Award for my performance on VEEP
which was an incredible thrill and it set some kind of a record for the most
Emmys by somebody for doing something or other, and then about 12 hours later I
was diagnosed with cancer— another hilarious turn of events!
I'm only half-kidding, of course
cancer isn't at all funny, but a big part of dealing with it
has been finding the funny moments.
The old cliche about laughter being the best
medicine turns out to be true, which is good because that's what the current
administration is trying to replace Obamacare with.
(laughter, applause)
When I was getting my hideous chemotherapy, I'd cram a bunch of family
and friends into this tiny treatment room with me, and we really did have some
great laughs, of course I was heavily medicated and slipping in and out of
consciousness, so I was probably a pretty easy audience, but my point is that
laughter is a basic human need along with love and food and an HBO
subscription. There's no situation, none, that isn't improved with a couple
of laughs, everybody needs laughs. So the fact that I've had the opportunity to
make people laugh for a living is one of the many blessings that I have
received in my life.
(applause, cheers)
According to Wikipedia, I have two sons, Charlie and Henry.
You know when you're a
working mother, you really worry about the time spent away from your kids, you
try your best to be there as much as possible, but the truth is that you
miss stuff, and you worry that they're gonna just get all screwed up and suffer
all kinds of angst and neuroses when they grow up and then you get the
Mark Twain Prize, I gotta say it's worth it!
(laughter, applause)
I'd also I'd also like to acknowledge my cherished husband Brad Hall, who I didn't
just marry because his name sounds like Peter Hall and it kind of felt like I
was getting the part. Brad never fails to show up at events like this very
one. He puts on a suit, he puts on a smile, and is the most supportive and present
spouse in the world. Thank you.
(laughter)
Thank you so, so much, dear Brad. Thank you.
And finally, thanks to Mark, and Mrs. Twain, and to everyone who has
participated in this exhausting evening.
Thank you so much, and good evening and
thank you.
(applause, cheers)