In the beginning part of dating relationships, both men and women test each other to try
and learn more about the other person.
They set up these tests with both good intentions, like to see if you are marriage material..
and sometimes with more sinister intentions when they are trying to see what they can
get away with.
How you handle these “tests” will set the tone for your relationship or lack of
relationship.
In this video, I’m going to share the three most common ways that men will test you and
I’m going to tell you exactly how to handle each situation so that you increase your level
of attractiveness, you demonstrate your value and you set the standards for your relationship.
Don’t go anywhere because we are starting right now.
hi everyone..
I’m dr Antonio Borrello and I’m a psychologist and relationship coach.
This channel is all about helping you build great relationships so you can grow happy
with the people you love.
So, if you’re interested in making your love life the best part of your life, start
now by clicking the subscribe button and hit the bell notification so you aren’t missing
anything.
OK.. on to how men test women
When it comes to dating, both women and men test their new love interests in different
ways, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly…But let me be clear on this.
People plant these little tests on their partners for at least 3 reasons.
First, They are trying to quickly learn something about their new partner that they might not
be able to determine by asking.
Secondly, they test Because they don’t want to wait and gather this information organically
over time. and lastly They test because they want their partner to demonstrate or prove
something to them now…as in immediately
Let me give you an example that happened to a friend of mine.
She started dating a man who was very attractive and successful, but she had heard that he
had a reputation of being a player.
They had been dating for about 5 weeks, but had not yet slept together when he brought
up the commitment talk.
He wanted them To be exclusive and not date anyone else.
She was really happy and excited, but she worried that he might not be trustworthy and
she didn’t want to further invest in the relationship if she couldn’t trust him.
So.. what do you think she did?
Do you think she had a conversation about her what she worried about?
Nope.. she set him up with a little test.
She called one of her very attractive girlfriends and they came up with a plan to find out if
he was trust worthy.
First, she unfriended her girlfriend on facebook and Instagram so her boyfriend wouldn’t
see the relationship… then she logged into her girlfriends account, posed as her girlfriend
and attempted to dm and flirt with him online.
Yeah.. she set him up to see if he was trustworthy.
The good news.. her boyfriend did not take the bait.. he did not respond to the flirting
woman.
And of course, she didn’t tell me about this until after the fact.
Her and I have had several arguments about this situation.. she thinks she was justified
in testing him because she wanted to protect her feelings and not get further involved
if he failed the test.
So basically, she wanted to know if he was relationship material now.. and she felt insecure
about the relationship unveiling these same truths over time and organically.. as in not
through a set up.
While this was an example of someone testing to see if a person is trustworthy.. men often
test women for very different reasons and with different intentions.
Here are the top three along with how you can handle each one.
1.
The Trying to Change You Negging Test – This is a repetitive type of backhanded compliment
(or negging).. basically it’s teasing insults that take a jab at who you are as a person
under the guise of being a joke.
When a man "negs" you, he's really saying, "I need you to feel insecure but i want to
do it in such a way that you question your right to feeling that way... so I’ll hide
it in a joke or act like I’m teasing.
It's part of trying to destabilize a person and have them question themselves.
When they repetitively neg you about a specific thing, they are basically trying to hint that
you should change.
This can be about anything from your body to your style to your friend group.
But how exactly does this work?
Well, there have been several studies that have established that Temporary insults that
lower self-esteem may indeed make an individual more receptive to romantic advances and more
compliant with requests.
So… when he negs you.. or jokingly insults something specific about you, he is trying
to lower your self esteem and confidence so that you are more likely to comply with what
he wants and change that part of yourself.
Think about this... a person has an increased need for food when They are hungry, right?
In the same way a person has an increased need for acceptance and affection when their
self-esteem is low.
So, when an individual is made to feel "low", they find potential romantic partners more
attractive and they are more willing to comply with their requests.
So he keeps taking jabs and acting like he is teasing, but ultimately he is testing to
see if he can get you to change for him.
If a man gives you these backhanded compliments, you'll know exactly What they are.
But How do you respond?
In two ways.
First, you should address the issue head-on by telling him what you've noticed and asking
him about it.
His reaction will say it all: if he’s shocked, upset, and willing to work on his behavior,
then it might be worthwhile to give him a chance.
But At the same time, you need to firmly embrace what he sees as your flaw and show him that
you love what his is being critical of.
This is a subtle way to say, you’re confident in who and what you are and you aren’t compromising
yourself, your beliefs and values because he doesn’t like them.
And if you bring this up and your partner dismisses your feelings and refuses to take
any blame, that's your cue to walk away from the relationship before their controlling,
manipulative behavior escalates.
Remember.
You don't need to prove your worth to someone who "negs" you.
That reminds me..
Are you struggling with a dating or relationship problem that you need some help with?
Would you like to get my perspective or opinion on your situation?
I coach people all over the world both over the phone, through email, or though video
conferencing.
So if you’re a subscriber and your dealing with a dating or relationship problem... send
me an email at antonioborrello@icloud.com … and perhaps we can work together one on
one.
It might take me a day or so, but I will respond to all of you and Yes.. it is me who is responding.
I’ll also include my email address in the comment section below.
#2 The situationship test Here’s the scenario - You’re start seeing
a person… you’re going on dates, you start doing relationship things and you’re starting
to really like him.
So much so, that you have not gone out with anyone else since you met him.
you’re dating for several weeks or months and things seem to be going really well..
but still, he hasn't brought up the "commitment" talk.. he hasn’t asked you to be exclusive
or have a relationship… and you really don't know what to think.
Because you like him and want to know what’s going on… you decide to bring up the topic
and ask him..
what are we?
But you’re really asking because you want reassurance that you are indeed a couple and
in a committed relationship.
But instead.. he tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship now.. he’s not ready
or he’s been hurt and afraid to get too involved.
Yes.. this is the situationship test and it is one that too many people fail.. so let
me start by telling you what not to do..
Too many women will believe that he is not ready…they will justify what he has told
her and continue to see him (and sleep with him) hoping that one day he will change his
mind and commit to having a relationship.
This lowers your value in his eyes.. besides.. why would he want to commit when he is reaping
all of the benefits of having a relationship, without having to commit to you.
Don’t fool yourself into believing this will change..
instead.. keep watching because I’m going to tell you exactly how to handle this situation.
Start by keeping your head up… let him know that you understand that he is unsure or confused…
and that like you, he deserves to be in the happiest and best relationship for him..
let him know that is super important to you… and then let him know of a solution that might
really help him… and that is that he needs to take some time and be alone so he can figure
it out.. yes.. you are the one who suggests to him that he needs time away to figure it
out… because again… everyone deserves to be happy and to be with the person they
are 100% sure of.. and committed to that relationship.
When you tell him that….. in the nicest most sincere way possible, you are letting
him know that you want him to be happy… and you want him to figure it out.. you’re
also telling him that this situation isn’t meeting your needs… because you need someone
who is all in and sure.
So, In the meantime, you’re going to continue to date because you want a relationship…
and when he figures it out.. maybe you’ll still be available.. maybe.
Lol.
Maybe you’ll be in a relationship.. maybe you’ll be married.
When you handle the conversation in This manner, you are conveying the following messages to
him.
First, you’re letting him know that you care about his well-being and want The best
for him, even if that doesn’t include you.
You’re also letting him know that you are not willing to tolerate or except anything
less than 100% from a person.
You’re letting him know that you deserve more and that you are showing love for yourself
and will not except less than you deserve.
And lastly you’re showing him that you have the confidence that you will find what you
were looking for and despite being disappointed you know that this is the right thing to do.
You’re also letting him know that your life doesn’t stop as you wait around for him
to figure it out.
#3 The Girlfriend Material Test Rather than one test, this is probably a series
of little tests that guys use to determine if you are someone they want to have a relationship
with or if you are someone they can just hook up with.
Sadly, this is often evident before you even meet a person face to face.
For example.. let’s say you meet a person online or through social media.. of perhaps
you just met him when you were out.
You exchange information and begin to communicate with one another.
The goal of a relationship minded man would be to get to know you.. and try to take you
on a proper date.. to court you with the intent of a long term relationship, right.
Now if you’re communicating and he begins to talk about sexual things.. or starts inquiring
about sending him provocative photos.. he is testing to see what type of woman you are.
The wrong thing to do is to continue to engage in that conversation.. especially if you want
a relationship.
Your willingness to engage in sexually explicit conversation with a person who is a stranger
lets him know that you are an easy target for a hookup and not relationship worthy.
Instead, let him know that his conversation is completely inappropriate… and you are
not looking for a hook up.
You need to set an immediate boundary and let him know that if and when he wants to
engage in a meaningful conversation, you may agree to talk to him again.
When you do that, you are showing him that you respect yourself and you’re not an easy
target for his hook up.
A man that is really interested in knowing you and getting involved with you will immediately
apologize and redirect his conversation.
On the other hand, if he disappears or ghosts you.. then you’ll know what his intentions
were all along.
Btw.. there are so many more of these types of tests that I could go into… so, if you’re
interested in seeing more videos on this topic, leave a comment below and let me know.. seriously,
there are at least 10 others that are very common.
Or, if you’ve been in a situation where someone has tested you, or if you’ve got
a test of your own, I’d love to hear about it.
Leave a comment and I promise to respond.
and if you’re interested in seeing more videos that will help you build great relationships
so you can grow happy with the people you love, be sure to subscribe and hit that bell
notification so you aren’t missing anything.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you in the next video.