and everybody wants to be like a part of
everything you know is that like
everybody's gotta like i'm a parent
because i have a child that's why i'm a
parent and if you don't have a if you
don't have a child it's okay but you're
just
not a parent i'm sorry i was in one of
these new brooklyn coffee shops and this
guy was like you have to respect
my right as a parent even though i don't
have children i was like
no i don't that's genuinely
like the definition of having a parent
is having a ch is being a being a parent
is having a child and you don't have a
child
he's like well i have cats i'm like good
for you like
i like animals too but it's not the same
thing okay i mean if i threw your cat
off a balcony
tomorrow i would get a high five from a
cop
just boom and maybe a summons it depends
it depends if they're trying to fill a
quota but it wouldn't be an issue
because i know it wouldn't be an issue i
know and i do like cats but most police
people would be like all right it's one
less cat
you know it's not it's okay i mean you
know they pop
up they're fine but this guy was like
you have to he's like the cats are my
children i'm like okay
you're living in one of the only times
in history where you won't get killed
almost immediately for saying that i
mean if this was 1600 salem
massachusetts
and you walked into the village and you
said these are my children the cats
they would burn you at the stake right
away i mean there would not even be a
trial they'd be like strap them up
light them up it's [ __ ] witchcraft
and we want it out of here
and the whole town would clap we would
clap yep be like yeah
get him out of here not like this but
they would just yeah
that was i didn't need you guys to clap
but thank you i just felt like oh look
they'll do anything i want
no yeah do it
i don't know trying to look again
i like the new world i like it's
progressive it's cool all that stuff is
but it's just
you know everybody wants to be in
control everybody wants to plan their
pregnancies now that's the new thing
everyone planning their pregnancies fall
against their
vegetables i don't want any adversity in
the womb it's like well your kid's going
to be a [ __ ]
okay i mean listen you can do what you
want
and bowl with bumpers that's your right
but we're going to have to deal with
your kid
all right i mean i don't worry about my
daughter not at all
you know why she was unplanned
okay you know what that means she's a
survivor okay
yeah [ __ ]
survivor yeah
the odds she beat were incredible i mean
the [ __ ] she survived as an embryo
we couldn't survive as fully grown
adults no way
15 morning after pills my kid beat every
single one
yeah she was just down there like no
daddy no daddy no daddy
she grew arms two months ahead of
schedule to swat away plan b's
like to kembe mutumbo she's like no no
no not today
he was [ __ ] yeah she didn't care
yeah we would throw him down there she
would throw him back out
and i was like oh you tried to kill me
now i'm going to try to kill you so like
not for a knife danny
yeah i've told you everybody's coddled
now ever did you notice that like
everybody it's like oh it's okay it's
cuddled like
you never knew anybody with a peanut
allergy before 2007.
you never met a pr i went to school and
said nine million people i never met
anybody
with a peanut analogy and i know
everybody not as many people as you but
i know everybody
you know i know the people you know
that's like now people got p i got a
nephew he has a peanut allergy
and he talks [ __ ] to me all the time he
runs his mouth every time he comes over
he runs his mouth i'm like first of all
i'm your uncle okay i'll give you one of
these
and [ __ ] paralyze you just boom bang
i'll knock out you can't maybe feel the
right arm
you're right on for a year
you know and then i'm also like look i'm
your uncle like i don't really love you
you know what i'm saying like i tolerate
you
because yeah your mom's my sister but
like i don't [ __ ] like her either to
be honest with you
she's a [ __ ] she flushed my figurines
down the toilet in 1993 i'm looking for
payback you're an easy target
listen
i mean yeah in an allergy you're the
definition of making it look like an
accident it's so easy
to make it so just watch your mouth you
know get through the next 12 hours
we'll see we'll see what you do you know
he runs his mouth always talking like i
checked on him he slept at my house last
week i checked on him i opened the door
i was like hey buddy are you okay
he's like yeah i'm fine what's your
problem
i was like what do you mean what's my
problem what's your problem he's like oh
what's my problem you're my problem
i'm like no cashews are your problem
okay
i mean are you kidding me i haven't been
able to bring an almond joy
within a thousand feet here since i met
you bubble boy [ __ ]
[Applause]
not your problem you're allergic to
peanuts that's a real problem i mean
all you have to do is bring the snickers
in here and your life is over do you
understand
like
just walk around with a handful of
pecans just walk around
i'm like clean your room no [ __ ] you
you