Donald Trump.
This has been a wild week for the Trump presidency,
making it the 124th wild presidency week in a row.
It started a few days ago,
when Trump averted a crisis of his own making
by deciding not to impose tariffs on Mexico
because he said he made a deal.
However, critics pointed out
that many of the things that Mexico promised to do
to stop illegal immigration were the same promises
that they had made months before.
But then Trump came back
saying that he had a secret deal with Mexico,
which no one believed.
So, yesterday, he did this.
-Can you tell us? -What is that?
That's the agreement that everybody says I don't have.
So, no, because I'm gonna let Mexico do the announcement
-at the right time. -(reporters clamoring)
For Mexico, they want to go through it.
But here's the agreement. It's a very simple agreement.
(laughter)
Okay. Okay.
There are two possibilities here.
And neither of them are good.
Either the president just whipped out a takeout menu
and claimed it's a secret agreement with Mexico--
which it could be--
or it's a real agreement
and the president is just walking around
with secret documents in his pocket.
Right? The same guy who was worried
about Hillary's server getting hacked by Russians.
Meanwhile, he could get hacked by a gust of wind.
Or, even worse, a pigeon.
Could just be like, "And here it is,
"the secret document that...
"Aah! Stop that pigeon!
"Stop that pigeon!
It's headed to the Kremlin!"
Like, keeping important documents
in your jacket pocket is so risky,
because everyone forgets things
in that pocket. We've all done it.
Like, one day, Trump's dry cleaner's gonna phone
the White House, like, "Hey, Mr. Trump,
"you left the nuclear codes in your jacket again.
And there's a lollipop in there, too."
He's like, "Oh, thank God. My lollipop."
So that was President Trump showing off
his "secret agreement" letter that he got from Mexico.
Uh, and I guess yesterday was mail day,
because, a few minutes later in the press conference,
he was telling us about another letter
he was even more proud of.
REPORTER: For the first time since the failed Hanoi Summit,
Kim Jong-un sent the president a letter yesterday,
Mr. Trump downplaying concerns
about Kim's recent missile tests.
He's kept his word.
There's no nuclear testing.
There's no large, you know, long-range missiles going up.
So, uh, I see that.
And I just received a beautiful letter from Kim Jong-un.
And I think the relationship is very well,
but I appreciated the letter.
Someday, you'll see what was in that letter.
Someday you'll be reading about it.
Maybe in 100 years from now, maybe in...
two weeks. Who knows?
But it was a very nice letter.
It was a very warm, very nice letter.
I appreciated it.
What?
Maybe 100 years from now, maybe two weeks?
The only other time you hear a time range that big
is when you order a couch online.
It's like, "Yeah, I guess...
uh, it'll be arriving now or never."
But that's pretty incredible, right?
Trump is willing to support Kim Jong-un
because the North Korean dictator sends him sweet notes.
You know, if Kim Jong-un is smart,
he would launch a missile at the United States
and then just send Trump a letter at the exact same time
to keep him distracted. Yeah.
An aide would run into the office, like,
"Mr. Trump, Kim Jong-un has just fired..."
"Fired off a beautiful letter to me.
I know. It's gorgeous."
"No, sir, this could devastate..."
"Devastate Melania.
We won't tell her. Don't worry."
"No, sir, people are dying."
"Dying to know what's in it.
"But I can't tell them. It's a secret.
"It's between me and...
"Goddamn you, pigeon! Goddamn.
How did it get back from the Kremlin so fast?"
(laughter)
So Donald Trump has become, uh, good friends with Mexico,
and, uh, he's BFF with little Kim.
But there's one feud the president is not willing to end,
and it's with America's greatest enemy, Sleepy Joe.
Well, I heard Biden, uh, who is a loser...
I mean, look, Joe never got more than one percent,
except Obama took him off the trash heap,
and now it looks like he's failing.
He looks different than he used to.
He acts different than he used to.
He's even slower than he used to be.
I'd rather run against, I think, Biden than anybody.
Uh, I think he's the weakest mentally.
And I like running against people that are weak mentally.
I think Joe is the weakest up here.
Really, Donald?
You want to compete with a mentally-weak loser?
Well, then maybe you should hold a debate with a mirror.
-(air horn sounds) -(cheers and applause)
Now, it's no coincidence
that, uh, Trump is going after the former V.P., right?
Ever since the polls came out
showing Biden beating Trump all over the country,
Trump has aimed all of his attacks
directly at his number-one threat.
And Joe Biden is loving it,
because it's setting him up as the presumptive nominee,
which is why yesterday in Iowa,
he delivered a 40-minute speech
that was all about Trump.
I don't think the president really gets the, uh...
gets the basics. Uh,
he thinks these tariffs are being paid by China,
just like he thinks Mexico's building the wall. Um...
He thinks windmills cause cancer.
Now, look, you think I'm making this up, I know.
Quote, "I have complete power."
-No, you don't, Donald Trump. -(applause and cheering)
Or, "Only I can fix it."
Fix yourself first, Donald Trump!
(cheers and applause)
Oh, okay, that was... that was weird.
I feel like Joe Biden turned black by the end of that speech.
"'Only I can fix it!' No, fix yourself Donald Trump.
Mike Pence, you better come get your man!"
(laughter)
And I'll be honest.
I don't know if this was an effective campaign speech
that would convince a swing voter.
What I do know is, Joe Biden
just got a brand-new stand-up special deal on HBO.
♪ ♪
I don't think the president really gets the, uh...
gets the basics.
Uh, he thinks these tariffs are being paid by China,
just like he thinks Mexico's building the wall.
-Um... -(laughter)
What is... President Trump...?
He denies there's climate change.
What did he tell Piers Morgan in an interview recently?
He said, "Well, weather goes both ways."
(laughter)
You know, look, he thinks windmills cause cancer.
Now, look, you think I'm making this up, I know.
He said, "Those California fires-- what they got to do is
rake their leaves."
(laughter)
I'm not joking! I'm not making this up!
Joe Biden, everybody.