Oh, wee.
To live is to risk it all.
Otherwise, you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled
molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry.
I didn't see you there.
How much of that did you hear?
All of it.
You were looking right at me.
Don't get all worked up before your job interview.
Job interview?
Yes. Is that so hard to believe?
Actually, yeah.
Something's off.
Space sperm.
Sperm from space.
Very impressive verbal forensic work, Jerry.
Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.
I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.
Negative visualization, Jerry. Explains a lot about where you're at.
It looks harmless now, but it could grow into something dangerous.
Like the Insane Clown Posse.
Yeah. Good one, Jerry.
2003 just called. It wants its easy target back.
Son, have you fallen in with a weird stranger and are now
trashing your grandpa's place?
Because I'll help.
This seems kinda fancy.
Jerry. For all you know, this is the equivalent of an alien truck stop.
You have no frame of reference.
You're in a universe beyond your imagining.
But, yes, it is super fancy.
Your mom was my Jessica.
I remember the first time I saw her.
I thought—
I should get her pregnant and then she'll have to marry me.
I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.
Sorry. Please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.
I'm not sure you want to take
romantic advice from this guy, Morty.
His marriage is hanging from a thread.
My marriage is fine, thank you.
Jerry, it's your house.
Whatever you say it is is how it is.
But I think a blind man can see that Beth is looking for the door.
Relax, Jerry. We'll be in and out in a minute.
Then you can get right back to your dumb vacation with a family that doesn't need you.
Kind of expected someone to defend me but, sure.
How is my son supposed to pass his classes
if you keep dragging him off for high concept, sci-fi rigamarole?
Listen, Jerry, I don't want overstep my bounds or anything.
It's your house, it's your world, your real Julius Caesar.
But I'll tell you— Tell you how I feel about school, Jerry.
It's a waste of time.
Let's put your dad in a nursing home.
We're roughing it.
And that means no sci-fi bullsh*t.
Isn't that right, Rick?
Uh-huh.
[Phone buzzing]
Rick, was that a sci-fi phone call?
Shut up, Jerry.
Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving
with Morty's grandfather?
Boom! Told you! In your face!
He is ruining our child.
I don't want to see anymore anime stuff happening to my son, Buster.
That finger has AIDS now.
Not my fault.
It's skipped HIV?
He's messing with you, sweetie.
But it's tingling.
We're worried about Jerry.
Well, you're 39 years too late.
Or however old he is. Is he 50?
Jesus Christ, Beth. Is Jerry 50?
Hey, wait. Do you have five-one-two-six?
I'm not sure.
Morty.
Uhh. That's a Blitzen shits ticket.
What?
Way to go, Morty.
Uh, whatever.
Wait, what?
Alright. Come on, Jerry.
Hey. Guess what, asshole?
I did it without you.
Oh, God.
It hurts.
Oh, what was that?
Healed your leg 50%.
The rest is on you, big man.
That's what I'm talking about.
Respect, my brother.
Jeez, your dad sucks.
Jerk.
Don't insult my father.
He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid.
Ha! You just called yourself—
Oh.
Come on, Morty.
Listen, Rick.
If you're going to stay here rent free
and use my son for your stupid science,
the least you could do
is put a little bit of it
to use for the family.
I just finished
merging with your essence
for an endless epoch,
and I'm already back to thinking
you're an asshole.
Fine with me.
Let's just go our separate ways.
Sounds like you in the word "epoch"
have a lot of catching up to do.
Wait.
Don't leave me!
Guys, did I not tell you to keep your eye
on Jerry?
We did.
Then where is he?
Maybe he's having an affair.
Beth, it's him or me.
We've got adventures to go on, Morty.
Just you and me.
And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom.
But never your dad.
It's a Rick and Jerry adventure.
Rick and Jerry episode.
I'll cop to it.
I put a lot of strain on your marriage.
It wasn't fair.
I'm sorry.
What?
I didn't respect your marriage.
I certainly didn't do it any favors.
And for what it's worth, I'll apologize
to Beth for it when we get home.
Hey, Rick.
Did you know
my dad was dating an alien?
No.
Gross for the alien.
There's your stupid hat, dipshit.
Dead.
You can't talk to Jerry
that way anymore.
Self-righteous piece of sh*t.
You took my family.
I took your family?
Who do you think had more taken
from them
when you shot 20 CC's of liquid
dream killer into my daughter?
She was Rick's daughter, Jerry.
She had options.
Oof.
That all ended
because she felt sorry for you.
You act like prey,
but you're a predator.
You use pity to lure in your victims.
It's how you survive.
I survived because I know everything.
That snake survives
because children wander off.
And you survive because people think,
"Oh, this poor piece of sh*t."
He never gets a break.
I can't stand the deafening silent
wails of his wilting soul.
I guess I'll hire him or marry him.
Beth, you crazy bitch.
You're my daughter.
I brought this here to kill Jerry.
Oh!
Jesus Christ.
You win.
No amount of genius
can stop your dumb, mediocre,
vacuous roots from digging
into everything and everyone around you
and draining them of any ability
to fend you off.
Well, it couldn't
have been easy for you to say that.
I appreciate it.
How did you two start
having guys night?
So now you're complaining
that I like your stupid husband?
No.
I want you to like my stupid husband.
Aww.
Well, then accept that Friday nights are all
about Rick and Jerry.
We're buds.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll leave out the part
where you tried to murder me.
And I'll leave out the part
where you admitted
to sabotaging our marriage.
You wanna ...
Nah.
If the family sees me like this
they'll feel sorry for me.
Which is no longer my signature move.
Later days, amigo.
I just realized
I don't have my wallet.
My bus pass is in there so maybe—
Stay strong, Jerry.
I believe in you.