- Well, she's got a boyfriend now,
so I guess I oughta to get over my crush on her
or just leave it on the back burner in case they break up,
which I hope never happens of course,
but if it ever did.
I wouldn't say I had a crush,
I just had a momentary lapse of reason,
but now I'm back to my normal curmudgeonly self,
and I never think about her, ever.
Beauty can compensate for a lack of brains, to a degree,
and I discovered that she is way beyond that degree.
It took about three minutes of labored, painful,
airheaded conversation for my interest
in her to go from 100 to negative infinity
and beyond.
When you have a crush, your serotonin and dopamine levels
increase whenever you're around that person,
so trying to get over a crush
is like trying to get off drugs,
and let me tell you, I am jonesing right now.
Oh, her?
Yeah, I'm over that crush, that was three days ago,
I've crushed on at least five other girls since then.
I don't know if I'm ever going to get over her man,
even though I only spent a little bit of time with her,
I was captured by her beauty.
She was so elegant, so sleek,
so fast, so responsive.
- [Man] Dude, what are we even talking about?
- A BMW I test drove.
She will be mine one day.
I think I'm going to go on a walk
to help me process my feelings.
(upbeat western music)
I'm pretty tired.
I think I'll go home now.
Well, anyway, thanks for letting me
talk out my feelings with you, man,
I really appreciate it.
Oh wow, we've been talking for four hours, that's crazy.
Hello?
Are you there?
(man snoring)
Are you snoring?
I spent a solid week crushing on this girl,
flirting, trying to get to know her a little bit
only to find out she only dates guys
who are six feet and taller.
This has been the worst return on investment
this 5' 11" guy has ever gotten.
Having these kinds of feelings for someone
is like having an amazing computer
with a useless program installed on it
that hogs all the processing power
and hurts overall performance.
You gotta uninstall that (beeping) right away.
If I had a friend in this situation,
I'd tell them to try to move on
by not dwelling on the other person
and especially to stay off their social media.
Very, very, very good advice,
yeah.
One night, a few years ago in Rome,
I had had a little too much to drink, okay,
a little too much vino.
And I spilled an entire plate of pasta
down the front of this girl's shirt.
I'd never seen her before,
didn't know who she was, but she stood up
she slapped me across the face,
she cussed me out in Italian
and then she stormed off.
And I don't think I'll ever meet
another girl like her ever again.
I've got a decision to make.
I either need to let go of this crash, and just get over it,
or I actually need to go up to her,
and talk to her, and get to know her,
and maybe ask her out on a date.
Yeah, I think I'll just get over it.
Not only must I let go of my crush on Tiffany,
but I've also got to say goodbye
to Olive, Hazel, and Leopold, our future imaginary children.
But I think what's going to hurt the most
is saying goodbye to Bosco,
our imaginary future golden retriever, (sobbing)
he was such a good boy,
Bosco!
Wait, Ginny is dating Timmy?
Ah, I can't believe I ever liked her!
Oh my gosh, how could I have ever liked someone
who's attracted to Timmy?
Ah, what is wrong with me?
Crushes are pretty creepy when you think about it.
You develop feelings for someone else
based on a fantasy of how perfect you think they would be.
- [Woman] I know, right?
I am so glad we can be friends and not be weird about it.
- Me too. (sad music)
♪ You've heard this before ♪
Hey, thanks for watching.
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Til next time, stay cool and attractive.