With coronavirus completely changing our way of life,
there have been many questions
that it has forced all of us to ask ourselves.
Like, if grocery store workers and delivery people
are essential workers,
then shouldn't they earn a living wage?
Should health care be tied to employment?
Is it okay to have a romantic relationship
with your houseplant?
Well, once we get out of this, once this is all done
and we can finally leave the house
and do normal things like tongue kiss our Uber drivers,
there's gonna be one question,
one question that people want an answer to
more than anything.
Where in the hell did this disease come from?
Because before the virus shut down the world,
people were happy.
People were happy to accept
the official explanation from China,
which was that the virus originated
at a live animal market,
where it somehow jumped from a bat to a human.
And we were like, "Okay. I think that's the plot
of Dark Knight, but we'll accept it."
But now, now that all of us have been stuck in the house
with nothing to do except throw our cats birthday parties
-over Zoom... -(meows)
...everyone, everyone at home has had time
to come up with some theories
about how exactly they think this whole thing went down.
Now, I've also been spending a lot of time online,
and the most common conspiracy theory I've seen
is that the virus jumped from a bat to a human
the same way Oreos jump from packaging
into my roommate's mouth.
I know where they're going, Billy. I see you.
And this is a theory many people were willing to accept
because of racism.
"People are saying that in China,
"they eat all kinds of crazy things.
Hell, I heard they eat cookies with a piece of paper inside."
I was also ready to believe
this pandemic could have started as a food thing,
because, look, man, I've been...
I've been in situations where food starts a thing.
Like, I was on a flight once
where one person ate a tuna sandwich,
but then we all paid the price.
So, this story made sense
until it came out that those viral videos
of people eating bat soup weren't even filmed in China.
Yeah. And then we found out
that viruses can't survive cooking, anyway.
So, that was out the window.
Then I heard about a different conspiracy theory
that totally makes sense.
You see, it turns out corona was never just a virus.
No. It was actually a weapon created
to take old people out.
If you go online, there's no shortage of conspiracy theories.
All right? So, here's one.
The virus was bioengineered in a lab by scientists
to be used as a weapon
or a form of population control.
NEWSWOMAN: This is a theory former politician
Bronwyn Bishop has also suggested.
It is to get rid of nonproductive, um,
Chinese in the Chinese community.
In the words of George Bernard Shaw,
should be eliminated,
-um, so they don't have to be fed. -Whoa.
NEWSWOMAN 2: Roseanne Barr is calling
the novel coronavirus pandemic a ploy to kill baby boomers.
All right, now, this theory,
this theory made complete sense.
Who dies the most from the virus?
Old people.
Who dies the most anyway? Old people.
Bam! It's the perfect crime. And think about it.
As soon as people started saying "okay, boomer,"
all of a sudden, we got coronavirus
and old people are dying. That can't be a coincidence.
And you might be asking, "Oh, why would anyone...
why would anyone want to take out all the old people?"
I don't know.
Maybe it's because someone was tired
of giving up their seat on the bus.
Maybe restaurant owners are just tired
of having to open for dinner at 3:00 p.m.
Maybe young people were just tired
of getting their ass whupped at bingo.
The point is the motive is there.
Now, I will admit, as much as I wanted to believe that theory,
I, uh, I had to let it go, okay?
'Cause a team of scientists,
scientists with degrees and qualifications,
they sequenced the genome of the coronavirus.
They broke it down, and they found
that unlike every butt in Miami,
this virus definitely wasn't man-made.
So, okay. Fine.
Maybe this wasn't a biological weapon
designed to destroy the slot machine economy.
But that wasn't my favorite theory, anyway.
Because there's one theory,
one theory that actually makes the most sense,
and it was this.
There's a conspiracy theory sweeping the globe
that coronavirus is caused by 5G technology.
NEWSWOMAN: The theory is that 5G
damages the human immune system.
All of us should know
what's taking place right under our noses.
What 5G act-actually does, it absorbs oxygen,
and that's really important to know.
5G gets switched on, people drop like flies,
and all of a sudden, you've got the excuse,
'cause, well, there's a virus going on.
NEWSMAN: Some people in the U.K. bought into it so much,
they started lighting cell phone towers on fire.
MAN: 5G burning.
Burning, burning, burning, burning.
Yes!
Burn those cell phone towers down!
We got to put an end to coronavirus
and all group chats.
I don't know who any of you people are,
but I did not ask to be a part of this group.
Now, I know some of you
are sitting at home right now, smug like,
"Oh, how does 5G cause a virus? How does..."
And I'll tell you how.
Ask yourself this question. What is 5G?
It's a super fast network that runs through the air.
You know what else goes through the air?
Coronavirus.
What else goes through the air?
Superman.
And what burger did I eat
while watching the last Superman movie?
Five Guys.
Five Guys. 5G.
I rest my case.
Now, I'm not gonna lie.
There are a few coverage gaps in this 5G theory.
Just a few. Just a few things that make me doubt.
For starters, every part of this theory
is completely ridiculous and biologically impossible.
Not to mention, coronavirus has also exploded
in places where they don't even have 5G.
So, I haven't figured that out yet.
And 5G, just like 4G and 3G before it,
is broadcast at such a low frequency,
it's too weak to do any damage to you.
Yeah, so saying 5G makes you sick is sort of like saying
an iPhone flashlight gave you a sunburn.
In fact, 5G broadcasts in the same range
as a normal radio. Yeah.
And let's be honest, the most dangerous thing
we've gotten from a radio wasn't a virus.
It was "Mambo No. 5."
And that only killed, what, 6,000 people, tops.
So, where did the coronavirus come from?
I don't know. Are you happy? I said it. I don't know.
But I'll tell you this.
I don't care if any of these conspiracy theories
have been debunked.
I'm not taking any chances.
From now on,
I will no longer be ordering the Popeye's spicy bat sandwich,
even though it's delicious.
I also decided I'm not gonna get old.
It's just too risky.
And, most importantly, I've stopped using cell phones.
Yeah. No 5G for me.
From now on, I only use a pager.
And, yeah, I know that makes it harder to send nudes,
but I'm gonna do my best.
And I know the alternative to all of this
is that I could just wait for doctors and scientists
to figure out where this virus came from.
But, I mean, come on, man,
I'm not crazy.
Well, that's our show for tonight.
But before we go, if you are able to help people
who are going hungry because of this pandemic,
please consider a donation to Feeding America.
They're supplying food to millions of people in America
every single day, and they could really use your help.
Because even a dollar can help somebody get a meal.
Stay safe out there, wash your hands, and remember--
the only thing you need
to get through this crisis is right here.
That's where I keep my weed, on the inside.
I'll see you all next week.