Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you're new to my channel, my name is Stephanie
I'm a life and relationship coach this week. I want to dive into a topic that is
Super important towards relationships any relationship whether you work with someone friends your lover
whoever it doesn't matter is
communication and this is often one of the big things that people say that they want in a relationship is good communication and
You know, I you can take classes on how to communicate and all that kind of stuff
But at the end of the day when you're fully in a discussion with someone and especially when you get triggered emotionally
It's hard to remember
What healthy communication should look like so in this video I'm going to go over
What it should look like and why in actually breaks down and relationships
So a lot of times when communication breaks down a relationship quite frankly
It's because one or two people are not feeling heard
they're not feeling understood by their partner or the friend or whoever it is that you're having a conversation with as
the conversation begins to go on your emotional triggers begin to happen and that's when the conversation or
disagreement or whatever begins to turn into like a full-blown fight right where now we're getting defensive and we're getting
Passive-aggressive. We're really not listening now because we're constantly bringing the conversation back to ourselves
We're more concerned about
what we're not getting out of the
Conversation versus kind of being able to sit in a space for someone else and listen to their concerns
And have them listen to our concerns and work it out amicably
One of the things that I think is literally key in any
Relationship is respect and I feel like a lot of the times when you ask someone hey Dee
What do you want in a relationship? Like what are the top three things?
They're gonna say something like, you know, some of those loyals I'm most faithful good communicator
We get along, you know all of those types of things
Not often is respect within the first one or two or even three things that people will say and if you do not
respect the person you were talking to communication is really gonna go out the window and love is very different than respect you can have
Emotional feelings for someone but still not respect them because when you respect someone you want to listen
To them you want to gain insight? You want to know why something's wrong and
also, the other aspect of this is aside from respect is being able to
Take responsibility for your emotional triggers. So if I can't take responsibility for my triggers when you do trigger me
I'm going to immediately blow up now if you trigger me, and I respect you
I'm more apt to own a little bit of that trigger, right?
I may not fully put it on you now
If you don't have both of those things
Then we're gonna go from zero to 60 and a little discussion or a little disagreement is gonna turn into World War two
So if I respect you, that means that I'm not trying to change you. I don't need to change you
I don't want to change you when I really love myself and I take responsibility for myself. You take responsibility for yourself
So when those two components components are in a relationship I can sit and listen to you speak
I can listen to you talk. I'm not gonna get defensive. I'm not gonna cut you off
I'm not gonna tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't think what you think
I'm going to be able to just sit and listen and have some empathy as to why or even just
Wanting an understanding as to why you are feeling the way that you're feeling
because if I respect you and I value you then I'm not gonna want to lose you and I'm gonna want to figure out what's
Going on between us that we have this disconnect
I'm gonna want to work on it to compromise to figure out well
How can we both get what we want at the end of this and still feel good about ourselves?
So if I can't take responsibility for my own self
There's a lot of reasons for that and one of the number one reasons like we all know is ego
So if ego is coming to the forefront, I'm not going to let you speak. I'm gonna want to get the last word
I'm gonna be passive-aggressive
Because the ego is gonna hear something that it doesn't like and it's going to get defensive
So one of the first things that you need to do in order to avoid that communication breakdown and here's the thing
Let's just be frank. We're all human beings
Are we gonna get into disagreements from time to time where our emotional triggers are going to take over?
Things were getting really heated and maybe we're not at that place that moment in time right? Maybe we had a bad day
Maybe it just took us an hour to get home from work. Maybe we're tired member stress
Maybe the kids are driving us crazy, like whatever it is
Well, we're not able to just bring ourselves down calmly to be able to do these things. That's totally fine
and in those cases
That's when you have to be able to recognize that and remove yourself from the conversation and something as simple as saying, you know
What I feel like this is just going in a different direction right now. Let's just take a moment
We'll take a step back and we'll talk about the seven another time
That's completely healthy and something that probably most people should actually do so conversations
Don't go in a direction where you know, you can't really ever get back
you know to a normal place with your partner because maybe now we've said something that we shouldn't have said and
You know and a disagreement or a discussion
that was like little then turned into like this big humongous thing that lasts like a week, so
When you know things are going in a direction and you can feel it or maybe even like you're you're good
you're fine, but maybe you can sense that your partner isn't and
They're not able to recognize like they probably shouldn't be talking about this right now even just removing yourself not even to say hey
I feel like you're getting upset right now like and I don't want to talk to you about this
You could easily say something like that, but just saying
You know what?
I just feel like this conversations going in the direction that I don't want it to go in and
Just remove it and just you know, not even pointing a finger just saying let's talk about this at another time
that's something that you can absolutely do that will save a lot of heartache one of the
most most important things that you can do when you are in the midst of having this
Communication break down with anyone is coming from love at the end of the day if you know that the respects there and you valued
This person and you know you your ego isn't involved. You can own your own stuff
You have to come with love and coming with love is wanting to really understand
Why this person feels the way they do that's so unbelievably huge because not everyone's gonna agree with you
Not everyone's gonna see things from your side. That's funny. You're two different people. So being able to say you know, what?
I don't really understand why this person's feeling the way that they are and being curious to want to understand them better
To put yourself in their shoes for two seconds so you can have a little bit of empathy to maybe understand
Okay, I get it
That is so powerful because the minute you can do that you immediately go into validation
You can kind of understand even though you don't feel that way
that if you can kind of understand why someone's feeling the way they do you will then be able to
Validate them and once you get validation
You know
An argument will definitely just simmer down because that's what we all want. We all want to feel understood
We all want the validation and we all want to someone to say hey, I understand why you're feeling the way that you're feeling
That's like the most empowering
thing that you can feel in a relationship is that Understanding between you and your partner and I think when you can remove that
ego like I said and just sit in that space for someone and
not make someone feel wrong for feeling the way that they feel because at the end of the day, it's not your job to
control people and to you know your way is not the highway and
It's okay for someone to feel completely different than you and giving them that space to do it
like I said
That's that little space that little validation is really really powerful stuff and it's going to 100%
Turn an argument into more of a conversation where you can then begin communicating
Calmly and compromising on things
Because a lot of the times when we're not willing to compromise and we get stuck in our own, you know ego at place
It's because we're not feeling understood. We're not feeling validated. So if you can get those two things
Excuse me. People are more apt to kind of put the weapons down and begin working with each other
And again, they're only willing to do that
If you both respect each other and the common goal is to onion understand each other better
Versus maybe being with someone who's narcissistic or really really emotionally unhealthy who just wants to argue with you
So the next thing is try to change your story on why someone's doing what they're doing
So if you're now in a discussion or an argument about the are all the reasons why you're upset because someone did what they did
Try to understand and this is not
Is not giving them a pass that what they did was
Okay, because if your feelings are hurt your feelings are hurt, but you're trying to maybe think of well, okay
they didn't try to hurt me they did this because so a lot of the reasons why we tend to take
you know offense the things that people do is because we take things so personally as if it is a personal attack on us and
Nine point nine percent of the time it literally has nothing to do with you and I say this time and time again
Even if someone actually does something to you the reasons why they did it to you had nothing to do with you
So if you can change your story on why someone's doing what they're doing, for example
If someone is late if you take offense to someone being late and a person is late all the time
You might take it personally, you might say and this is before you've communicated your standards with this person, right?
You might take offense
as to why this person is doing this why this person is always late as and and take it really personally right as if it's
a reflection of you when in reality
It's probably because they're scatterbrained or they didn't see the time or there may be
Self-absorbed right like but all of those things have nothing to do with you
So when you don't take offense to things you're able to communicate things
Clearly with someone and not get angry about something. You can come to the table with saying hey, I'm not sure why this keeps happening
But you know, it doesn't really matter. What matters is
These are my standards and these this is what I expect in a relationship being able to do this
it makes the other person human and it allows you to recognize the wounds the
Insecurities the stuff that goes on inside that person which goes on inside of you as well
But it it allows you to
Understand your partner on a deeper level when you can kind of remove that ego and not take everything
So personally and the last thing is and I said this throughout this whole video is being able to take responsibility
For yourself and I think that that is I mean quite frankly if everyone could do that
I can't even imagine the discussions of the arguments that we would ever get into because you would
Own your own stuff
You're not trying to control other people and that's really where a lot of kind of this happens from right?
Is that control that ego that comes into play when you're having arguments and disagreements?
So I hope that you have enjoyed this video
If you did, don't forget to give it a thumbs up, and I will see you next week