>> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW, I FOCUS SO MUCH ON SHOWCASING THE SHINY
LUXURY GOODS THAT ARE THE BI NEWS STORIES ON THE MONOLOGUE,
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO ROOT THROUGH THE ATTIC
FOR THE BROKEN CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS, FONDUE POTS, SOILED
CABBAGE PATCH KIDS, AND BABY SHOES TO TOSS 'EM ON THE FRONT
LAWN FOR THE YARD SALE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT --
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE IS THE REVOLUTION.
JOIN THE REVOLUTION.
>> Jon: IT WILL BE TELEVISED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MEANWHILE, THE
FINAL EPISODE OF "GAME OF THRONES" AIRED LAST
NIGHT.
NO SPOILERS, BUT IT HAD EVERYTHING: HEARTBREAK,
BETRAYAL, DESOLATION-- AND THAT'S JUST HOW FANS FEEL ABOUT
THE WRITERS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FINALE WAS A MASSIVE
CULTURAL EVENT, WHETHER YOU'VE READ THE BOOKS OR JUST HAVE AN
INSUFFERABLE FRIEND WHO HAS.
( LAUGHTER ) SOME VIEWERS ARE HAVING TROUBLE
LETTING GO.
IN FACT, "COUNSELORS ARE MAKING THEMSELVES AVAILABLE TO TALK
ABOUT THE SHOW AFTER THE SERIES' END.
OKAY?
SO IF YOU'RE TRAUMATIZED THAT THE DRAGON LADY STORY DID NOT
END THE WAY YOU HAD HOPED, TRAINED PROFESSIONALS ARE
STANDING BY TO JACK SLAP YOU ACROSS THE FACE AND TELL YOU TO
GROW UP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE ARE RATTLED NOW THAT THE SHOW'S OVER, ESPECIALLY HBO
EXECUTIVES FRANTICALLY TRYING TO WRITE A DRAGON INTO "BIG
LITTLE LIES."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M TELLING YOU,
MERYL STREEP CAN PLAY ANYTHING!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE BIG TAKEAWAY TODAY IS
THAT LAST NIGHT, VIEWERS SPOTTED A PLASTIC WATER BOTTLE SITTING
BEHIND SAMWELL TARLY'S FOOT!
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, EVERYONE "THINKS"
THIS WAS A MISTAKE, JUST LIKE THAT COFFEE CUP TWO EPISODES
AGO.
BUT NO!
THIS IS THE PERFECT CONCLUSION OF THE WATER BOTTLE'S STORY ARC.
THEY PLANTED THE SEEDS BACK I ( LAUGHTER )
SEASON ONE, WHEN, AS A MINI BOTTLE, IT MAGICALLY SURVIVED
THE FIRE WITH DAENERYS.
THEN LATER, THE WATER BOTTLE SAVED BRANN STARK BY HOLDING THE
DOOR!
FINALLY RISING TO A PLACE ON THE COUNCIL TO CHOOSE THE NEXT
LEADER OF WESTEROS!
THEN, THE WATER IS DRUNK BY SAMWELL TARLEY, AND A FEW HOURS
LATER, ASSUMES ITS RIGHTFUL PLACE INSIDE THE PORCELAIN
THRONE!
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "UBER NOW OFFERS
'QUIET MODE' FOR RIDERS WHO DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THEIR
DRIVERS," BUT "IT'LL COST YOU EXTRA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THEY JUST INCENTIVIZED THEM TO TALK TO US MORE!
(AS DRIVER) "ANYWAY, ONCE THE DOCTOR DRAINS
THE CYST IN MY KNEE, I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP ON MY LEFT SIDE --
OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS?
THAT'LL BE 2.99."
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT A GOITER!
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
MEANWHILE, JAPAN IS TESTING A 250 MILE AN HOUR NEXTGENERATION
BULLET TRAIN.
IT'S CALLED THE ALFA-X BECAUSE CALLING IT THE "RAIL PENIS" WAS
A LITTLE OBVIOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WELL, THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, "A SOUTH DAKOTA MAN
IS ACCUSED OF STEALING $500 WORTH OF SEX TOYS FROM A
COUPLE'S HOME OVER A PERIOD OF ABOUT TWO YEARS."
EACH TIME "ENTERING THE HOME FOR ABOUT 40 SECONDS, THEN LEAVING."
40 SECONDS?
HE FOUND THOSE SEX TOYS REALLY -- IN 40 SECONDS?
DO THEY KEEP 'EM IN A DISH BY THE DOOR?
( LAUGHTER ) WHY?
WHY?
WE HAVE A TAKE-A-PE TAKE-A-PENIS/LEAVE-A-PENIS TRAY.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "THE PITTSBURGH
ACCENT HAS BEEN RANKED ONE OF 'LEAST SEXY' IN AMERICA,
ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY," WHILE "MAINE'S ACCENT IS IN THE
TOP 5."
MAKES SENSE.
THAT MAINE ACCENT IS HOT -- (MAINE ACCENT)
"E'YAH.
I'M GETTIN' HAR-DUH THAN A LOB-STUH."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, TWO "U.S. ARMY
VETERANS RECENTLY EXCHANGED WEDDING VOWS ON A NEW YORK CITY
SUBWAY."
THEY'D BOTH DONE TOURS OF AFGHANISTAN, SO THEY WERE USED
TO BLEAK, TREACHEROUS SURROUNDINGS FULL OF HOSTILE
LOCALS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE CEREMONY WAS PERFORMED BY
"THE GROOM'S SISTER-IN-LAW, A RETIRED JUDGE."
AND IN KEEPING WITH SUBWAY TRADITION, SHE TOLD HIM "YOU MAY
NOW RUB UP AGAINST THE BRIDE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY SHOWS
THAT BRITISH PEOPLE GET DRUNK MORE THAN ANY OTHER NATIONALITY.
THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED BY THE RENOWNED "INSTITUTE OF ANYONE
WHO HAS EVER MET A BRITISH PERSON."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JULIANNA MARGULIES!