♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LET'S TAKE A MOMENT NOW TO SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND MR. JON
BATISTE.
HELLO, JON BATISTE, SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IN THE WORLD.
♪ ♪ ♪ HEY!
>> Jon: HELLO!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> Stephen: WE WERE JUST SETTING THINGS UP HERE.
>> Jon: PETE, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
>> Stephen: HE SAYS HI, WANTS TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH
YOU.
>> Stephen: I HAVE PETER HERE.
I HAVE EVIE RIGHT HERE.
>> HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HEY, EVIE, HOW ARE YOU.
>> WE MISS YOU!
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Jon: GOOD, I MISS YOU.
>> I KNOW.
>> Jon: IT'S TOUGH BUT WE'RE GOING TO PULL THROUGH THIS ONE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF, RIGHT.
>> Jon: I'M PRACTICING APPRECIATION, YOU KNOW,.
>> HE WAS WHAT?
>> Stephen: HE'S PRACTICING APPRECIATION.
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER.
>> I'M READING SUE LEICA'S DAILY PROMPTS.
HER ISOLATION JOURNAL STUFF IS GREAT.
>> Jon: THAT THING IS A LIFESAVER.
IT GETS YOUR MIND GOING IN THE MORNING, AND IT GETS YOU
FOCUSED.
>> IT DOES.
>> Stephen: HOW CAN PEOPLE FIND IT ONLINE.
>> Jon: YOU JUST TYPE "ISOLATION JOURNAL" INTO GOOGLE
OR GO TO HER WEBSITE.
SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL BUT COMPLEX NAME.
IT'S A VOWEL SALAD.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE NATIONAL VOWEL SURPLUS.
>> Jon: EXACTLY.
HEY "N."
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, BYE, JON.
GOOD SEEING YOU.
>> Jon: HAVE A GOOD ONE.
>> Stephen: YOU, TOO, STAY SAFE.
Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME AT THE GREEN GROCER OF NEWS,
METICULOUSLY SELECTING THE DAY'S FINEST STORIES TO TAKE HOME AND
BAKE INTO THE FARM-TO-TABLE RATATOUILLE THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SCAVENGE THE BACK OF MY FREEZER FOR A
MINI CHICKEN POT PIE FROM 2013, CRUMBLE THE DREGS FROM A BAG OF
FLAMIN' HOT CHEETOS ON IT, THROW IT IN THE OVEN, AND WATCH IT
THROUGH THE WINDOW WHILE I GNAW ON THE BLACK LICORICE TWIZZLERS
I ACCIDENTALLY BOUGHT AT THE PREMIERE OF "THE MATRIX:
RELOADED" TO CREATE THE MIDNIGHT SNACK OF NEWS THAT IS MY
QUARANTINED MEANWHILE SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE!
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, NOT EVERYONE IS OBSERVING THE
SELF-ISOLATION GUIDELINES.
FOR INSTANCE, ON MONDAY, "TOM BRADY WAS CAUGHT BREAKING
TAMPA LOCKDOWN RESTRICTIONS TO WORK OUT IN A PARK."
NOW, YES, IT'S TRUE THAT WE SHOULD ALL BE STAYING HOME FOR
THE GOOD OF THIS COUNTRY WE LOVE, BUT IN FAIRNESS, BRADY IS
NO LONGER A PATRIOT.
AND I ASSUME HE HAD TO GO TO THE PARK BECAUSE BRADY JUST MOVED TO
TAMPA TO JOIN THE BUCCANEERS, AND HE'S CURRENTLY RENTING
DEREK JETER'S HOUSE, WHERE THERE'S JUST NOWHERE TO
EXERCISE.
OKAY, SO HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE IN THAT PARK, BUT I'VE GOT TO
RESPECT TOM BRADY.
EVEN AT THIS LATE STAGE OF HIS CAREER, HE'S STILL CHEATING JUST
FOR THE LOVE OF IT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MARYLAND "COPS ARE URGING RESIDENTS TO
WEAR PANTS WHEN CHECKING THEIR MAIL"-- THOUGH THAT HEADLINE
DOESN'T MAKE IT CLEAR IF THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE
PANDEMIC, OR JUST A LONG-RUNNING PROBLEM IN MARYLAND.
WELL, THE TANEYTOWN, MARYLAND, POLICE DEPARTMENT HAVE CLEARLY
HAD IT, BECAUSE THEY POSTED ON THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE: "PLEASE
REMEMBER TO PUT PANTS ON BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE TO CHECK YOUR
MAILBOX.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING."
THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE IT'S SOMEONE VERY SPECIFIC WHO THEY
JUST CAN'T GET THROUGH TO.
SOON THE POSTS WILL BE "PLEASE STOP FREEBALLING
IT IN YOUR DRIVEWAY, EARL.
SERIOUSLY, HELEN AND THE GIRLS KEEP CALLING US TO DO SOMETHING,
BUT WE'RE TIRED OF DRIVING OUT THERE TO TALK TO YOU WITH YOUR
JUNK SPINNING IN THE BREEZE."
MY WIFE LIKED THAT JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "THE AMERICAN
FLAG WAS PROJECTED ONTO THE MATTERHORN IN THE SWISS ALPS IN
A SHOW OF CORONAVIRUS SOLIDARITY."
SWITZERLAND, THANK YOU.
THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL AND MOVING, BUT I'M AFRAID MOON RULES APPLY:
AMERICAN FLAG'S ON IT?
AMERICAN OWNS IT.
AND WE WILL SOON BE SLAPPING WATERSLIDES ON THAT BAD BOY AND
OPENING UP THE "SPLATTER-HORN SWISS-BITCHIN' WATERPARK AND
MONSTER TRUCK MOUNTAIN."
BUT WE PROMISE TO RESPECT SWISS CULTURE BY SELLING DEEP-FRIED
TOBLERONES ON A STICK.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO SAYS COVID IS
FORCING MASSIVE CUTBACKS, AND THAT SANITATION PICKUPS WILL BE
REDUCED, AND PUBLIC POOLS WILL BE CLOSED.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
SO THERE WILL BE TONS OF GARBAGE AND EMPTY SWIMMING POOLS?
I'M NO CITY PLANNER, BUT I THINK THAT PROBLEM JUST SOLVED
ITSELF.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "ASTRONAUT JESSICA MEIR HAS RETURNED TO
EARTH AFTER AN 86.9 MILLION-MILE TRIP" THAT LASTED "205 DAYS."
AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO SAY...
THAT IS ROUGH TIMING, JESSICA.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE USED TO POOPING INTO A VACCUM, BECAUSE
WE'VE GOT A BIT OF A TOILET PAPER SITUATION DOWN HERE, AND
YOU MIGHT NEED TO REPURPOSE YOUR DYSON.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, DOCTORS IN AUSTRALIA ARE DOING A PODCAST TO
KEEP THE PUBLIC UPDATED ON CORONAVIRUS RESEARCH AND POLICY.
AND THIS WEEK, THEY TACKLED AN IMPORTANT QUESTION: "CAN THE
CORONAVIRUS BE SPREAD THROUGH FARTS?
THE ANSWER IS CRITICAL!
THE ANSWER IS CRITICAL, DARLING.
BECAUSE IT COULD LEAD TO A BREAKTHROUGH IN BLAMING
CORONAVIRUS ON THE DOG.
TURNS OUT FARTS ARE DANGEROUS FOR THE SAME REASON COUGHING AND
SNEEZING ARE, BECAUSE "FLATULENCE ITSELF IS AN
'AEROSOL-GENERATING PROCEDURE.'" HENCE, THE OLD RHYME: "BEANS,
BEANS THE MAGICAL FRUIT, THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE YOU
PERFORM AN AEROSOL-GENERATING PROCEDURE."
HERE'S WHAT THE GOOD DOCTOR HAD TO SAY ABOUT CORONA-FARTS:
>> I THINK THAT WHAT WE SHOULD DO IN TERMS OF SOCIAL DISTANCING
AD BEING SAFE IS THAT POLICY, ON THE PART OF THE ENTIRE
AUSTRALIAN POPULATION, SHOULD BE THAT YOU DON'T FART CLOSE TO
OTHER PEOPLE AND THAT YOU DON'T FART WITH YOUR BOTTOM BARE.
>> Stephen: I'M HOPING THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS THE ADVICE.
THE DOCTOR ELABORATED, "LUCKILY, WE WEAR A MASK, WHICH COVERS OUR
FARTS ALL THE TIME," PANTS, SHORTS, DRESSES, UNDERWEAR AND
OTHER GARMENTS.
WHICH RAISES AN INTERESTING PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION: IF PANTS
ARE THE MASK OF THE BUTT, ARE MASKS THE PANTS OF THE FACE?
ANYWAY, EXPERTS RECOMMEND THAT, FOR SAFETY'S SAKE, PLEASE FART
INTO YOUR ELBOW.
FINALLY, AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE AUSTRALIAN DOCTORS,
I NEED TO POINT OUT THAT "THE NEW YORK POST," WHICH RAN THIS
STORY, USED THIS AS THE IMAGE TO ACCOMPANY THE HEADLINE.
NOW, I'M NOT A DOCTOR, BUT IF YOUR FARTS LIGHT UP YOUR
BUTTHOLE LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE, THEN CORONAVIRUS IS THE LEAST OF
YOUR WORRIES.
PLEASE COME ON THE SHOW.
I THINK PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO SEE IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL MOORE.
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