- Hey everybody, today I'm gonna be talking about
ways we can best manage expectations and boundaries
this holiday season.
Because I know COVID has really thrown a wrench
into a time of year that is already prone to
a lot of stress and upset.
So, we're gonna need some tools and communication strategies
to help get us through.
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Expectations are defined as a strong belief
that something will happen or be the case in the future.
So, it's really what we expect will happen
with or without facts to support them.
And these can be helpful or harmful
depending on whether or not we communicate them,
which is what we're gonna get into.
But let's also define boundaries,
because they're important too.
And boundaries are limits we place on our relationships
about what behavior we will
and won't accept from other people.
We can have both emotional and physical boundaries.
Emotional ones will be things like,
how we'll allow someone to talk to us
or how much energy we're willing to put into a relationship.
And physical ones, you know,
have to do with how physically close
we're going to allow other people to get to us.
But both expectations and boundaries
are important in our relationships,
especially right now when family may expect us to come home,
but we don't feel so safe doing so.
Or if others are taking it more seriously than we are
and expecting us to do things to help them feel more safe.
But we haven't told them what's okay or not okay,
or what we expect them to do or what we're doing,
it's complicated, right?
So, what can we do?
Well, first, it helps to know what it is we are expecting
and what our boundaries around it are.
And I know that may seem
like a lot to cover in just one tip,
but it's actually not as difficult as it seems.
Take some time to consider possibly journal,
you guys know I love a journal,
about what it is you expect from the holidays.
Are there presents you expect to get or give?
Maybe people you expect to see,
things you expect people to do or not do
in order to be able to see you.
What are the expectations that you have
for this time of year?
Take some time to consider this
because it's really common for us to just not even realize
we have expectations,
yet we bank on people doing these things
or abiding by these unspoken rules.
And unfortunately, or actually fortunately,
people can't read our minds
so we're going to have to let them know.
And next, are there certain expectations
that if they are not met
we will not be able to participate like we wanted to.
Like boundaries, right?
Meaning if our family member
doesn't quarantine or get tested, are we going to attend?
Are we gonna ask them not to attend?
And on the flip side,
are we not okay getting tested
just because someone else wants us to?
We each have a right to feel how we feel
expect certain things and have boundaries
around how we will allow others to treat us.
But we need to figure out what these things are
before we go to any parties
or decide if we are going home or not,
just overall, before we plan our holidays.
And once we've done that, we can move into my next tip,
which is to put language
to those boundaries and expectations.
How would you like to say this to your loved ones?
Could we use validating language like,
"I understand how you feel,
you know, why we're doing this."
What's the point that we're trying to get across?
Consider how you could say this to those you love
and practice saying it out loud
and even maybe role-play it with yourself.
And I know it can sound a bit crazy
but it's really helpful to do a few run throughs first
so that we make sure when we go to talk to them about this,
we are calm, and we know what it is we need to say.
And this can stop us from getting really angry
or saying something we don't mean.
So, trust me just give it a try, it really helps.
Next and you probably saw this coming, is communicate it.
And easier said than done I know,
but that's why we took time to figure out
what it is we expect, what boundaries we have,
as well as put language to all that we feel,
and we practice saying it out loud hopefully.
So, pick a time of day, that's not stressful,
give them a call, or FaceTime, or sit down with them.
Then we're going to use the technique
I call the hug and roll.
And yes, I got that name from the show "Friends",
if you know the reference, you know it.
But we have to let them know
just how much we care and love for them, right?
This is the hug but also communicate
our expectations and boundaries, the roll.
So an example of this could be "Mom, I love you
and I wish I could see you over the holidays,
it's really one of my favorite times to be home."
Hug, hug, hug, but here comes a roll,
"Due to the pandemic and a stay at home orders
and the rise in cases, we aren't going to be able to."
Or another example, "Sally, I love our holiday tradition
of a big potluck with our friends" Hug, hug, hug.
"But I don't feel okay with inviting 20 people
over to our apartment right now."
And just know I don't want any of these examples
to make you think that you can't see
your loved ones over the holidays,
I definitely think we need to assess the mental toll
not seeing people could take on us
and safely make the best decision for us.
You know, and I just want to offer some examples
to help you maybe start your own conversations
and be able to do this hug and roll.
When it comes to communicating
our expectations and boundaries,
I want you to err on the side of overdoing it.
This is one of the times where it's better to say too much
than not enough.
Because I'd rather they know
all about what we're hoping will happen
so they can let us know if that's not gonna be the case.
Or if we tell them, you know,
that we don't like them talking to us that way,
we hope that they hear us and don't do it again.
So, don't be afraid to plan and say the things
in a couple of different ways over a few days maybe,
in the hopes that our message is fully received.
Which rolls nicely into my final tip,
which is be open to having
more than one conversation about this.
I know it's annoying, I know it's frustrating
when people don't even try to listen to us.
But let's be honest, we all get distracted, frustrated,
and misunderstand things.
So, know that just because they asked us to come over again,
we've already said no or speak to us like we're a child
when we've explicitly told them we don't like that,
that doesn't mean that they're doing it on purpose.
They may have not heard us
or could be saying things without thinking.
We cannot control other people.
I know, just hear me out, we can't control them.
And we can't stop them from saying something
or treating us in a way we don't like.
All we can do is assert ourselves, our needs,
and let them know what it is we expect
out of the relationship.
If we don't let people know
how they can and cannot treat us,
then they're just gonna do what they want,
for better for worse.
And trust me when I tell you
that communicating our expectations and boundaries
improves our relationships.
I know some of you may think that speaking up
will only make things worse or cause drama.
But that only happens when we're in toxic
or narcissistic relationships.
In healthy relationships
they're gonna do their best to hear us
and change behavior where necessary
as well as possibly
share their own expectations and boundaries.
Being able to have discussions about this
is important in the development of any relationship
and helps us connect on a more real and deeper level.
And I don't want you to think
that I don't know that family can be so much more difficult,
and we can find ourselves
slipping into more childlike versions,
I do that sometimes.
But if we do our best to communicate with them
and hear them out as well,
hopefully we can all understand each other.
That doesn't mean that we're going to agree
especially right now with everything going on,
but at least we talked about it and we did our best.
Holidays are difficult,
spending time with family can be difficult.
But we can prevent some of the outbursts
or unmet expectations by letting them know ahead of time.
And know that
even if we make the best decision for ourselves,
we can still feel disappointed.
This year is tough.
But our disappointment or feelings of upset
shouldn't make our decisions for us.
We can be disappointed and acknowledge that feeling
and still speak up and make choices that are good for us.
When we feel any uncomfortable emotion,
it's completely normal to wanna run from it, you know,
or please other people so that it goes away.
But it's okay and actually pretty healthy to just feel it.
Feel the feelings, I know, and recognize it for what it is.
Like is it gonna be pretty sad
for Sean and I to celebrate Christmas here alone?
Yeah, but I also know
that it's the safest thing for us and our family
so I can feel sad and I can still stay home.
And finally, I do wanna mention once again
that if you live alone or struggling with the isolation
that has come along with this pandemic,
please find a safe way to see loving people.
If that means you all get tested
or quarantine ahead of time, let's do it.
If you have to only see a few people
instead of your entire family, let's do that.
I know the virus is scary and dangerous
but so is depression and suicidal thoughts.
So if you find yourself in a dark place,
find a way to see those you love
and get that hug that you may really be needing, okay?
I love you all,
have a relaxing and recharging holiday season.
I am so thankful each and every year for you
and our community as a whole.
The way you share your thoughts and experience
in those comments and help each other out
when times get tough is truly inspiring.
And it's because of all of you that I keep doing what I do
and I cannot thank you enough
for all of your support this year
and every year before that.
Enjoy some time off, take care of yourself
and I will see you next week.
Bye!
(upbeat music)