WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
ANYBODY DID YOU CATCH THAT WORLD SERIES GAME?
( CHEERING ) I HAVE BEEN TOLD IT'S AMAZING.
I DIDN'T WATCH IT BECAUSE I WAS FOCUSING ON SOMETHING ELSE.
SEE, IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN AND THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE SUPER
SPOOKY FOR DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE SPECIAL PROSECUTOR AND OFF-DUTY
LURCH, ROBERT MULLER, JUST ANNOUNCED THE FIRST INDICTMENTS
IN THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
AND WHO'S OUR FIRST LUCKY WINNER?
IT'S FORMER TRUMP CAMPAIGN MANAGER PAUL MANAFORT, SEEN HERE
LOOKING INNOCENT BEFORE PROVEN GUILTY.
I KNOW IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN, BUT IT REALLY FEELS MORE LIKE
CHRISTMAS.
♪ PAUL MANAFORT, PAUL MANAFORT, YOU'RE JUST THE FIRST OF MANY ♪
♪ FIVE YEARS IN JAIL ♪ ♪ SHALL I SING TO THE FEDS?
TRUMP-A-PUMPUM."
♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST THINK HOW MUCH BETTER THOSE
JOKES WERE IF IT WAS ACTUALLY CHRISTMAS RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE CHARGES WERE ACTUALLY FILED
ON FRIDAY, BUT THEY GAVE MANAFORT UNTIL TODAY TO TURN
HIMSELF IN.
WOW, WE WHITE PEOPLE REALLY DO GET ARRESTED DIFFERENTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SENT HIM
A FORMAL INVITATION.
"ROBERT MUELLER REQUESTS THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY IN
FEDERAL COURT.
PLEASE CHECK ONE: CHICKEN, FISH, SQUEAL ON DONALD TRUMP?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MANAFORT'S BEEN CHARGED WITH
TWELVE COUNTS, INCLUDING "CONSPIRACY TO LAUNDER MONEY,"
"TAX FRAUD," AND "CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE UNITED
STATES."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHAT'S THAT CRIME USUALLY CALLED
AGAIN...?
I CAN'T REMEMBER, FOR SOME TREASON.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO THE INDICTMENT,
MANAFORT "WORKED AS AN UNREGISTERED AGENT" OF THE
GOVERNMENT OF UKRAINE AND TOOK IN TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,
WHICH HE APPARENTLY SPENT ON LUXURY ITEMS INCLUDING THREE
RANGE ROVERS, AND $849,000 AT A MEN'S CLOTHING STORE.
MAKES SENSE.
IT'S NOT CHEAP TO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE STARRING IN A MIDDLE
SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF "GUYS AND DOLLS."
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, MANAFORT ALSO SPENT
$934,000 ON ANTIQUE RUGS -- WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HE USED HIS
ONE PHONE CALL FOR 800-588-2300, EMPIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RUG, PLEASE.
( APPLAUSE ) HE'S UNDER HOUSE ARREST -- AGAIN
WHITE PEOPLE -- AND PROSECUTORS THINK HE MIGHT BE A FLIGHT RISK.
THE EVIDENCE?
THEY'VE ASKED THAT MANAFORT'S BAIL BE SET AT $10 MILLION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S A LOT OF RUGS.
( LAUGHTER ) HE BETTER HOPE ONE OF THEM CAN
FLY.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, MANAFORT'S ARREST WAS
A BIG TOPIC OF CONVERSATION AT TODAY'S PRESS BRIEFING WITH
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY AND HEIR TO THE HUCKABEE FORTUNE,
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS, WHO SAID WE'RE ALL MISSING THE "REAL"
STORY.
>> TODAY'S ANNOUNCEMENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
PRESIDENT, THE PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN OR CAMPAIGN ACTIVITY.
THE REAL COLLUSION SCANDAL, AS WE'VE SAID SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE,
HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE CLINTON CAMPAIGN, FUSION GPS AND
RUSSIA.
>> STEPHEN: MY GOD, OF COURSE, HILLARY CLINTON COLLUDED WITH
RUSSIA TO LOSE THE ELECTION.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE DIDN'T SEE BECAUSE WE
WERE PLAYING CHECKERS WHILE SHE WAS PLAYING THREE-DIMENSIONAL
LOSE THE ELECTION.
WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, REMEMBER HOW THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
SWORE OVER AND OVER THEY NEVER KNEW OF ANY ATTEMPT TO
COORDINATE WITH RUSSIA?
WELL, HOW DO I PUT THIS?
"FAKE NEWS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BECAUSE TODAY WE ALSO LEARNED ABOUT AN F.B.I. INVESTIGATION
INTO FORMER TRUMP FOREIGN POLICY ADVISER AND GROOMSMAN OFFERING
YOU ECSTASY AT THE CEREMONY, GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS.
TURNS OUT, "PAPADOPOLOUS PLEADED GUILTY TO LYING TO F.B.I. AGENTS
IN THE MUELLER PROBE."
AND THE DETAILS OF WHAT PAPADOPOULOS LIED ABOUT ARE
PAPADOPO-DAMNING.
WHILE WORKING TO ELECT TRUMP, "HE REPEATEDLY TRIED TO ARRANGE
A MEETING BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT
OFFICIALS."
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
IT'S DON, JR.'S JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S GOING TO GET JEALOUS!
( APPLAUSE ) ACCORDING TO THE INDICTMENT,
PAPADOPOULOS LIED TO THE F.B.I.
ABOUT HIS MEETINGS WITH RUSSIAN CONNECTIONS, SUCH AS "A FEMALE
RUSSIAN NATIONAL DESCRIBED BY PAPADOPOULOS AS PUTIN'S NIECE"
AND A MYSTERIOUS ACADEMIC IDENTIFIED ONLY AS "THE
PROFESSOR."
WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE DETAILS YET, BUT I'M GUESSING HE MET THE
PROFESSOR IN THE CONSERVATORY WITH THE CANDLESTICK.
AND WHEN THE "PUTIN NIECE" IN QUESTION WAS TOLD ABOUT A
POTENTIAL MEETING BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND RUSSIA, SHE
RESPONDED, "WE ARE ALL VERY EXCITED BY THE POSSIBILITY OF A
GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MR. TRUMP."
MA'AM, YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST EASTERN EUROPEAN WOMAN WHO HAD
HIGH HOPES FOR A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MR. TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT WHY DID PAPADOPOULOS TRY TO
SET UP THESE MEETINGS?
BECAUSE THE PROFESSOR TOLD HIM ABOUT THE RUSSIANS POSSESSING
"DIRT" ON THEN-CANDIDATE HILLARY CLINTON IN THE FORM OF QUOTE,
"THOUSANDS OF EMAILS."
SO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT TRUMP WANTED RUSSIA TO HELP
WITH THE EMAILS.
DOES THAT EVEN PASS THE SMELL TEST?
>> RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, I HOPE YOU'RE ABLE TO FIND THE
30,000 EMAILS THAT ARE MISSING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I HOPE THIS COVERS BULL (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: AND THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN KNEW WHAT PAPADOPOULOUS WAS UP TO.
AND THIS COULD JUST BE THE BEGINNING OF THE BAD NEWS FOR
TRUMP BECAUSE THIS PLEA DEAL MEANS THAT PAPADOPOULOUS "HAS
AGREED TO COOPERATE WITH THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION."
OOOH, I'M SO EXCITED.
I THINK I JUST POPPED A DOPOULOS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( JON BATISTE SINGING ) WE KNEW THIS WAS COMING THIS
MORNING AND ALL WEEKEND TRUMP WAS PANIC-TWEETING: "NEVER SEEN
SUCH REPUBLICAN ANGER AND UNITY AS I HAVE CONCERNING THE LACK OF
INVESTIGATION ON CLINTON MADE FAKE DOSSIER-- NOW $12 MILLION?
COMMA-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT"-- THE RARE FOUR DOTS AND A COMMA.
WE'RE IN UNCHARTED PUNCTUATION WATERS.
SOON HIS TWEETS WILL JUST BE: EIGHT SEMI-COLONS, TWO
AMPERSANDS, AND AN UMLAUT.
( LAUGHTER ) UMLAUT!
UMLAUT.
TRUMP CONTINUED: "DOT DOT DOT THE URANIUM TO
RUSSIA DEAL, THE 33,000 PLUS DELETED EMAILS, THE COMEY FIX
AND SO MUCH MORE.
INSTEAD THEY LOOK AT PHONY TRUMP/RUSSIA, COMMA DOT DOT DOT
DOT DOT DOT DOT 'COLLUSION,' WHICH DOESN'T EXIST.
THE DEMS ARE USING THIS TERRIBLE-- AND BAD FOR OUR
COUNTRY-- WITCH HUNT FOR EVIL POLITICS, BUT THE R'S DOT DOT
DOT DOT DOT DOT ARE NOW FIGHTING BACK LIKE NEVER BEFORE.
THERE IS SO MUCH GUILT BY DEMOCRATS/CLINTON, AND NOW THE
FACTS ARE POURING OUT.
"DO SOMETHING!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S SOMETHING SO
PRESIDENTIAL ABOUT YELLING "DO SOMETHING" INTO THE VOID.
IT REMINDS ME OF PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT'S ADDRESS TO CONGRESS
FOLLOWING PEARL HARBOR: >> DECEMBER 7, 1941-- A DATE
WHICH WILL LIVE IN INFAMY.
SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GREATEST GENERATION.
THE GREATEST GENERATION.