- Alicia is not even here and I'm still listening to her.
Her voice is in my head, that's how good of a husband I am.
(upbeat music)
How can I be a better listener in my marriage?
That is the question for today's "Ask a Therapist" segment
and it's the same way as being a better listener
in any relationship, really.
But there are specific keys.
It's amazing, we want better communication.
People come to therapy all the time.
And they're like, "We need to work on our communication."
But then they look at that as I wanna be able
to communicate better what I'm thinking and feeling.
But I would say 70% of effective communication is listening.
It's not what you're saying and how you listen is important.
Some people don't listen at all.
Some people only listen to refute, right?
I'm only listening until your lips stop moving.
And then I'm gonna tell you
why you're wrong and why I'm right.
And that will ruin your relationship.
And you can be an amazing listener
and still sell your communications.
Let's talk about how to do it right.
- Come and listen.
- The first thing is to very deliberately and intentionally
occupy listener space, to actually switch that gear
in your mind of I'm going to listen now.
A lot of times I've gotten sucked into the trap of well,
we're having a communication.
So you say your part.
And I say my part and that's how it's supposed to be.
But that often goes sideways
because if you're saying your part and I'm saying my part,
what's happening is we're talking over each other
or past each other,
or we're really responding because we want to be heard.
And so we're stepping on each other's lines, so to speak,
how does this look?
My spouse is coming to me with a concern
or a celebration or something they just want my feedback on,
or they just wanna be heard.
I'm going to mentally change gears
and I am in this space now.
What does it mean to be in listener space?
It means to shelve your agenda.
Shelving your agenda, I heard from Dr. John Gottman
is this idea of whatever you want to say,
whatever point you want to make,
whatever perspective you want to lend,
or if you wanna defend yourself or offer advice,
it goes on the shelf.
It can come off later.
But right now it's just up here and I am just going to hear,
and I'm not going to speak
because I have to do one of three things.
One, I will speak to express empathy.
If someone's having a hard time,
I will speak to express empathy or sympathy.
And to talk about that it's valid they feel that way.
Or to talk about that I'm sorry
that they're going through this,
that they don't deserve it or to just express,
yeah, that sounds really, really hard.
The second thing is to express accountability.
If someone's calling me out on my stuff
and I am in listener space,
I'm not going to defend, I'm not going to explain.
If they're say a hundred things
and I disagree with 99 of them.
But one thing I'm like, yeah, that's valid.
I need own that and I can own that.
That builds bridges, they feel heard and understood.
So there's empathy, there's accountability.
And then the third thing is to clarify,
I'm going to speak to make sure I understand correctly,
because oftentimes we assume we do
and we get into a lot of trouble that way.
So if I understand you correctly,
what you're saying is boom.
Now that may seem like, oh, that's too much work
or, oh, that's so cliche
or real people don't talk like that.
But the fact is, if you get practiced at that skill,
it's amazing how many misunderstandings, how many hurts,
how many blowups you are going to avoid
just by taking the time to say, so what you're saying is,
or if I understand you correctly.
And I do this sometimes if I'm talking to somebody
and they're going on for a long time,
I say, "Hang on, I wanna hear the rest
of what you have to say,
but before we proceed, let me make sure I understand.
You're saying dah, dah, dah, dah."
And they can say yes or what happens more often
is, oh, no, I'm glad you said that, that's not what I mean.
Here's what I'm getting at, right?
'Cause I was about to proceed on a false assumption.
That's how you occupy listener space.
You don't speak.
You listen to understand instead of to respond.
And the only times you speak are to express empathy,
accountability, or to clarify.
Now, this is especially powerful in marriage
because you are partners in everything,
in every sense of that word.
What one of you does directly affects the other.
If I'm not a great listener in a casual friendship,
it may not be as big a deal
because their life isn't wrapped up in mine.
But if I'm not paying attention in my marriage,
or if I'm listening to refute instead of to understand,
or if I'm trying to speak and make them hear me,
that could damage and even ruin and destroy
that partnership that I've committed to,
that I've wanted to build my life on.
What's really cool though, is when you shelve your agenda,
the other person feels heard.
The other person feels understood.
The other person feels that you've made them a priority.
When you shelve your agenda,
it means putting away your phone.
It means pushing away from the computer and turning to talk.
It means pausing or muting the television,
shelving your agenda means looking at someone in the eye
and showing them that you are putting them
and their needs and their agenda first.
You're not replacing your needs with their needs.
You're just putting their needs first.
Because when they feel that you have been there for them,
it's a lot easier for you to say,
can we talk about my side of things now?
Can I share my perspective?
Can I tell you where I'm coming from
or what's going on with me?
And because you've modeled what good listening looks like,
they're more likely to do that for you.
So I act, I have a background in acting
and the great actors know to be great listeners, right?
It's about responding to what the other person is doing.
Not just, how am I gonna deliver my lines.
That's also true in marriage.
Great partners are great listeners,
great lovers are great listeners.
People will ask me,
they wanna master the sexual techniques.
They wanna master how to be an amazing lover.
And I tell them being an amazing lover means
being an amazing listener
because sex is just like everything else in marriage.
Are you hearing what your partner's needs are?
Are you hearing what their specifics are?
Are you paying attention to their cues?
Being a great listener involves the bedroom,
but also just life.
It's the non-verbals.
What is your partner saying with their body language?
What are they saying with their eyes, right?
What are they saying with their tone of voice
and how they're saying things?
Most importantly, being a great listener in marriage means
that you care enough to do the work
because the fact is paying attention to someone's posture,
body language, what they're saying with their eyes,
what they're saying with their tone,
what they're saying with their words requires you
to shut down whatever was going on up here
and be present in the moment.
And I find that my brain is like a little lamb.
My brain likes to wander,
not just when I'm talking to my wife, all the time,
my brain goes to a little different places.
It's just how it works.
And so, I have to be the shepherd of my brain.
And sometimes when I'm talking to my wife
and she's sharing something with me,
or she's asking me to do something
or giving me instructions,
my brain will go wherever I wanna go,
because it's more fun.
And I have to be the shepherd to say,
no, no, come on back, come on back, right?
Because your spouse will be able to tell
when you're not listening.
And for many people,
there is no greater sign of disrespect
than to not actually be heard.
But conversely, to be heard is one of the greatest signs
of love that you can give.
To be heard is one of the greatest ways
that you can say, I love you without even having to say it.
They will know.
Being a great listener
in marriage also means application, right?
If you're asked to do something, following through.
If you're like me, the spirit is willing,
but the memory is weak.
I struggle with remembering all the little details.
I'm not a very detail-driven person.
I'm more of a big picture person
and it can be hard on my marriage.
If we've talked about something
and I forget all of the things that I've committed to do,
that is why it's so powerful to take notes.
And we all have cell phones.
If I've said to my wife,
"Hey, I wanna make sure I don't miss anything.
Let me take some notes while you're talking,"
then it's okay to be on my phone because she's not like,
why are you on your phone when I'm talking to you?
And don't assume that they know, if you actually say though,
I like to take some notes about what you're saying.
So I make sure I get it right.
And then you take written notes or verbal notes
along with what they're saying.
And then you say, okay,
let me repeat this back to you and make sure I do it.
I do that for my wife and she loves it.
Or if I take notes or if I send myself an email with,
or I set a task for myself with very specific instructions,
because a huge part of listening is follow through.
Whether it's romance or parenting or finances or sex,
are you following through?
Are you doing what you commit to doing?
Are you doing what you agreed to do in a conversation
where you were listening?
The fact is, it's easier to listen when you're dating,
because everything is new and you don't feel like you've got
it all figured out.
It's easier to listen when you want to impress this person
to win them over and keep them.
In marriage, sometimes we get into the,
I already got this person figured out.
I already know who they are
I already know what their likes are,
what their dislikes are.
I already know how they want things done.
And we may not be paying attention
to what's actually being said,
what actually is being communicated.
We may get into this rut of complacency.
One of the best ways to keep your marriage strong
is to treat it like you're dating.
Still figuring you out.
I'm still figuring you out.
I'm still learning who you are and you're evolving.
So, I want to evolve with you.
I want you to continue to feel loved and heard and respected
like I did when I was trying to win you over
because I wanna keep you.
That's how you become a powerful listener in marriage.
Now, if you enjoyed this video,
I wanna invite you to check out the next one.
"How to set Boundaries in a Long Distance Relationship."
If your relationship is struggling,
or if you've lost a relationship through divorce,
I wanna direct you
to our free "Hope After Divorce Resource."
You can find the link for that in the comments below.
What do you do to keep your marriage strong?
What do you do to be a good listener in your marriage?
We wanna hear you.
See what I did there?
Let us know in the comments below what works for you.
Have any questions for me to answer?
Sound off, I'd love to answer them.
I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist.
Until next time, keep shining
because we need your light.
You guys hear that?
Shh, shh, listen.
It's the sound of the video I promised you.
Hear it?
It's here.
(laughing)
Oh my gosh!