>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
TO THE SHOW-GRAM.
FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT, EVERY NIGHT BEFORE TAPING I COME OUT HERE
AND TAKE QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE.
NO QUESTION IS TOO PERSONAL, NO ANSWER IS TOO DUMB.
AND WE RECORD ALL OF THAT FOR YOU TO WATCH.
JIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
YES, SIR, RIGHT THERE.
>> YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT SO MANY THINGS, BUT WHEN ARE YOU GOING
TO ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT SOUTH CAROLINA BARBECUE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU FROM NORTH CAROLINA.
BABY, I'M AS SORRY AS I CAN BE.
YOU GUYS GOT A LOT GOING FOR YOU.
I LOVE THE MOUNTAINS, I LOVE THE OUTER BANKS.
I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS FROM NORTH CAROLINA.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
AND I'M SORRY AS I CAN BE, BUT THAT ( BLEEP ) THAT YOU CALL
BARBECUE...
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE THING-- IT'S GOOD.
IT'S GOOD AND THEN YOU PUT THAT VINEGAR SAUCE ON IT AND RUIN
PERFECTLY GOOD-- WHY DON'T YOU JUST RUB MAYONNAISE ON IT?
>> THAT GOES ON A HOT DOG, NOT BARBECUE.
>> Stephen: I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL.
IN THE WAY BACK.
.WHEN I'M UP HERE WHAT DO I MISABOUT DOWN THERE?
I LIKE TO FISH.
I LIKE BEING ON THE WATER.
I MISS THE BETTER STARS AT NIGHT.
I MISS...
PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO COOK SHRIMP DOWN THERE.
MAN.
IF YOU'RE FROM SHRIMP COUNTRY-- AND, JON, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE
FROM SHRIMP COUNTRY, AND YOU GO SOMEWHERE AND THEY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO COOK SHRIMP, YOU WONDER WHAT DID THEY DO TO THESE
BEAUTIFUL SHRIMP.
YOU HAVE TO BE SO GENTLE WITH THE SHRIMP.
YOU HAVE TO EASE THEM INTO THE STEAM.
AND PEOPLE DOWN THERE KNOW NOT TO SERVE THE SHRIMP WITH A TAIL
ON IF THERE'S A SAUCE INVOLVED.
IF THERE'S A SAUCE INVOLVED I'M SUPPOSED TO GO IN WITH MY BARE
HANDS AND TAKE OFF THE TAIL.
THERE'S NOWHERE ANYBODY IS DUMB ENOUGH TO LEAVE THE TAIL ON IF
THERE'S A SAUCE.
I'M FURIOUS!
I'M MAD.
ANYBODY?
YES, SIR, IN THE FRONT ROW.
>> YOU HAVE JON STEWART ON LAST WEEK DESCRIBING THE PERFECT
SANDWICH.
MY QUESTION WAS NOT SANDWICH RELATED.
>> Stephen: PERFECT PIZZA?
THE OLD SAYING IS, "PIZZA IS LIKE SEX.
EVEN WHEN IT'S BAD, IT'S PRETTY GOOD."
BUT I DON'T KNOW, FOR ME, I GO TWO WAYS ON THIS-- ALSO JUST
LIKE SEX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LIKE JUST PLAIN.
I JUST LIKE IT PLAIN.
ALSO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST PLAIN, BABY.
DON'T-- DON'T COMPLICATE IT.
DON'T COMPLICATE IT, OKAY?
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW, LIKE, IF, LIKE, GUN TO MY HEAD
WHAT'S THE PIZZA I I WANT, PRISCIUTTO AND KARMALLIZED
ONION.
TAT'S MY JAM.
THAT WILL DO IT.
AND THAT WILL JUST PUT ME DOWN.
THAT WILL PUT ME DOWN LIKE A LABRADOR WITH HIP DYSPLASIA.
I'M DOWN.
MA'AM, RIGHT THERE, I SAW YOU FIRST.
>> I'M WONDERING IF YOU'LL RECONSIDER GROWING YOUR MUSTACHE
BACK.
( APPLAUSE )
LET'S TAKE A QUICK VOTE.
WHO HERE IS IN FAVOR OF THE MUSTACHE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MUSTACHE ( LOUDER CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, EVIE HATES IT.
SO THAT'S WHY IT WENT AWAY.
I-- NO, NO.
BECAUSE THEN YOU HAVE THIS AND THE GOATEE AND THEN YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE PREPPING FOR YOUR VIAGRA COMMERCIAL.
LIKE, I HAVE A DAD BAND OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT'S
STILL GOING TO BE ALL WHITE.
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE WHITE.
THIS IS NOT DYED, NO MATTER WHAT HIGH SISTER SAYS.
I'M VERY GRAY AT THE TEMPLES, BUT FROM HERE DOWN, ANDERSON
COOPER.
ALL RIGHT, YES, SIR?
>> STEPHEN, ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE NEW "LORD OF THE RINGS"?
ARE YOU GOING TO BE ON IT AS WELL?
>> Stephen: I CANNOT REVEAL IF I'M GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW.
I'M SUPER EXCITED ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY HAVE RELEASED ONE
PHOTO SO FAR.
IT CLEARLY APPEARS TO BE THE CITY OF IT, IRANA PONTOONA,
WHERE THE VALOR LIVED WITH THE HIGH ELVES AND THE TWO TREES ARE
THERE.
THE TWO TREES, ONE GOLD AND ONE SILVER.
THE LIGHT OF WHICH WAS CAPTURED IN THE THREE SILMERALS, AND
STOLEN BY MELGORTH.
AND THEN THEY FLED BACK TO MIDDLE EARTH TO GO TO-- IT'S NOT
ENOUGH.
IT'S NOT ENOUGH.
IT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.
WHO SAID THAT?
OKAY.
YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE OLD FELLA.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET THE ( BLEEP ) OUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WITH A PERFORMANCE BY GEESE.