- (heavy exhale) Ooh, okay.
(crying)
(heavy exhale) Okay.
(heavy exhale) Nope, okay.
Nope, need to take a minute here.
Oh man!
Wow, okay.
When I thought about this video
and how it would look.
I really wanted to make it just like, one take,
or like, really unedited but, (laughs)
but, I don't think that's gonna work! (laughs)
Because, I'm having trouble here.
Wow, this is hard!
This is a hard video to make.
I'm really scared, I'm really scared
to make this video. (groans)
Hi, (laughs) hello everyone.
I don't want to make this video,
but I do need to make this video.
I do need to tell you all what's been going on.
Okay, (claps) here it goes!
Here goes nothing.
I'm
gay,
as it turns out. (laughs)
This is really scary for me.
This is a really scary video to make.
This is the scariest thing I've ever done.
This is the scariest, most vulnerable thing
I've ever shared.
Because it's true, because I'm in it.
I'm in it right now.
I'm going through this, I'm figuring this out as we speak.
And so, realizing this, and knowing this,
means a couple of things.
First, it means that
Dallas and I are no longer getting married.
And, it means that we have separated.
But, I want you all to know that
him and I are really great still.
It will surprise nobody that
he is an incredibly compassionate
and kind person.
And that he has been nothing but supportive of me
through all of this, because he's Dallas
and (laughs) he's wonderful.
And that's part of what has made all of this
so confusing for me for so long.
And second, it means that I can finally be honest
with you all about a lot of things that I haven't been.
Because I'm done hiding.
So there it is, there it is, hi. (laughs)
I'm gay. (laughs)
This is something that I've been fighting with
for a very long time.
I don't know where to start.
I don't know where to even start.
Five years ago, before I came out online.
Before I came out to my family,
I came out to Dallas.
And I think I've talked about this online before but,
I came out to him right at the beginning
of our relationship as bi.
But it wasn't like, it wasn't an entire conversation.
It was something that I thought I just needed to say
and then once I'd said it, I thought, "Great, now he knows!
"Now this is something that I never need
"to talk about ever again."
But of course, that's not how (laughs) sexuality works.
It doesn't just disappear once other people know about it.
And so, a couple of years went by of me
shutting down that part of myself,
and suppressing it, and ignoring it,
and trying to pretend that it wasn't important.
And it built up, and built up, and built up
in my mind, until I had to come out to him again.
And now this is where,
wow I'm nervous!
This is where my story online starts.
And my story online
is different from
what actually happened.
I've told my coming out story before
and there's a piece of it that I've always left out.
Because I was afraid that people would,
ah yes, (laughs) yes,
this is a good time for the landscaping
to be happening! (laughs)
(laughs) Life is ridiculous!
This is ridiculous!
What am I doing?
What is this?
What is happening?
Life goes on, life continues.
That person outside has no idea what's going on
in here right now! (laughs)
And he doesn't care, and he doesn't care!
Oh, we are all so small.
And it doesn't matter, none of this matters.
Oh my God, okay, I'm having a crisis! (laughs)
I've told my coming out story before.
I've talked about it a lot, obviously.
This entire channel, (laughs) is based around
my bisexuality, oops! (laughs)
When I properly came out to Dallas,
I was freaking out, completely in a panic,
and I didn't come out to him as bi,
I came out to him as gay.
We had already been together for a couple of years.
We'd known each other for half a decade at that point.
And I told him that I thought I was gay.
And Dallas being the sweetheart,
the supportive, incredible partner that he is,
he asked me if that meant that I didn't
wanna be with him anymore.
And I said, "No, of course, of course I still
"wanna be with you!"
And so he asked me if that meant that I didn't love him.
And I was like, "No, of course I love you!"
We talked about this a little bit.
And we were kind of rationalizing this idea that
I thought I was gay and yet I loved him,
and wanted to be with him.
We ended up laughing together and coming to the
conclusion that I couldn't be gay.
I was definitely still bi because I loved
and wanted to be with him, Dallas, a man!
And it was kind of like, "Oh, few!"
Like, logic, we figured it out.
What a relief!
And it was after that conversation
that I then came out to my family,
and I then came out online to all of you.
It was also within that conversation that,
and I know, I know I'm gonna lose some of you here but,
this is the truth, and so I'm gonna share it anyway.
Because this is how it happened.
And this, it's part of my story.
And I'm done hiding.
During that conversation, he also encouraged me
to explore that side of my sexuality if I wanted to.
He encouraged me, and supported me
in exploring relationships with other women,
and people of other genders.
And I did, and I have been, really ever since.
And my and Dallas' relationship continued.
And it remained this wonderful,
beautiful part of my life.
And I thought, "Wow!"
You know, "I have it all!"
I have this wonderful man, who I love,
and who I'm building this life with,
that I love, and I get to explore and experience
this other part of myself.
(laughs) Great job Alayna!
You've got everything!
You've got everything you could ask for!
Why aren't you happy?
And every once in a while, with increasing frequency,
I would have these panic attacks,
and these anxiety attacks, thinking and fearing
that I might be gay, not bi, gay.
And every time, I would be able to rationalize
with myself that it couldn't be true.
I couldn't be gay, because I loved
and wanted to be with Dallas.
So how can I be gay, if I love and wanna be with a man?
Until about a month ago, I was having one of these attacks,
and I realized that all of those things could be true.
That I could truly love Dallas.
And I could truly love this life that we were building.
And I could also be gay.
It's like once that clicked in.
Once it really hit me, then it was like I knew.
You know?
Like I couldn't unsee it.
I couldn't rationalize it away anymore,
and I knew I couldn't live like this anymore.
I hadn't even realized that what I'd been doing
is I'd been separating the queer part of my life
and the Dallas part of my life.
I had compartmentalized my real life
as my life with Dallas, and then my queer life,
as like this other, separate, (chuckles) entity.
And once lockdown took away that queer part of my life,
it felt like I was suffocating.
And then, starting to plan the wedding,
that through me into a panic spiral
that I was very confused by for a long time.
I was having anxiety attacks whenever I would
think about getting married.
I couldn't figure out why, you know,
cause my relationship with Dallas was so wonderful,
and loving, and like all of the things
that on paper you want a relationship to be.
And I couldn't pinpoint
why the idea of marrying this person
just absolutely terrified me.
And so, once I realized this, once I knew it,
you know, like once I knew it,
everything happened pretty quickly.
I came out to Dallas.
The night before he moved out we drank (laughs)
this bottle of wine that we bought
when we got engaged. (laughs)
And we were gonna save it for the wedding
or for a special anniversary.
So, (laughs) it all really came full circle.
That might be the saddest thing I have ever said!
And I really wanna reassure you all
that things between him and I are really great.
Like, we love each other.
We always have loved each other.
We've been each other's person for a decade!
That's not going anywhere!
And so I don't want a single comment,
not a single comment saying,
"Oh, now I don't believe in love!"
Or, "I thought I believed in love and now I don't anymore!"
None of that please!
Because we did, because we did love each other!
We do love each other!
And we've talked about everything,
and we've laughed about everything,
and we've cried about everything.
That was all about a month ago.
And now, I feel ready to talk to you.
I guess.
I've been thinking a lot about my
confirmed bisexual merch. (laughs)
And I've had people ask me in the past like,
"Confirmed bisexual, what does that even mean?"
(laughs) And I didn't really know how to answer
that question, cause it was like,
"Well, it's confirmed, like I know!
"I know I'm bi." (laughs)
When I would say that, what I really meant was,
"Confirmed, I'm into women." (laughs)
But the thought of confirming whether or not
I was into dudes never crossed my mind.
It was like being into men was just a given.
It was something I never questioned.
I had crushes on boys.
I dated boys all through junior high,
all through high school.
I was actively participating in heterosexuality.
(laughs) And so I never even questioned
that part of my life.
It wasn't until I started exploring my sexuality
with not men that something in my brain went,
"Oh, this is different!" (laughs)
"Is this how it's supposed to have been feeling
"this entire time?" (laughs)
And these alarm bells started to go off in my head,
but I just shut them down!
And shut them up!
And rationalized them away.
You can't be gay, because you love Dallas
and you love you're life together.
You can't be gay, because you've always dated men.
But now, looking back, it's glaringly obvious. (laughs)
And a lot of that and those experiences are very personal,
and I'm not gonna go into detail or really share about them.
Maybe someday, but not right now.
But just, just trust me (laughs) when I say,
it's been glaringly-
(loud buzzing) Ooh, every time, every time.
Sorry, got a package.
But what I will say, is that there are so many things
about my sexuality that I had taken as truth.
Things about my body, the way that my body responds,
the way that things are supposed to feel,
the way that I'm supposed to feel.
My experience of attraction
or romantic experiences. (laughs)
Like, I thought that I was on the a-romantic spectrum.
I thought that I was demi-romantic for years.
But it's like, "No bitch, you're not demi-romantic,
"you're gay, and you're dating men!"
My whole life, I have taken liking men as a given.
And that was the framework that I molded
all of my other experiences and perceptions within.
And then, once I realized that, that single fact
that I had seen as absolute truth,
that one thing that I had based the entire
rest of my life around, once I realized that
that might not be true, that that wasn't true,
the rest of it crumbled pretty quickly.
It's been like, a fog has been lifted.
And I feel like, I feel like I can breathe.
When for years, I didn't even realize
I was holding my breath.
So there it is.
I'm gay, and I don't know what that means
for my future, I don't know how
you're all gonna take that.
And I don't know what happens now.
I don't know what happens next but,
I hope that you will all stick around. (laughs)
And find out. (laughs)
I love you all, and
I'll see you soon.