AND THIS WEEKEND PROVED ONCE AGAIN THAT THE PRIMARIES ARE A
GLADIATORIAL DEATH-MATCH BETWEEN WARRING TRIBES, CHEERED
ON BY THOSE OF US IN THE BLOODTHIRSTY MEDIA WHO FEED ON
THEIR PAIN.
IT'S LIKE THE HUNGER GAMES.
NO, IT'S WORSE THAN THAT.
IT'S...
THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELCOME TO THE HUNGRY FOR POWER
GAMES!
TRIBUTES, ASSEMBLE!
OH, MY... THEY'RE DWINDLING.
NOW THERE ARE JUST HILLARY CLINTON AND THE SEVEN DWARVES,
AND BEN CARSON IS BOTH SLEEPY AND DOC.
BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND, WE LOST THE BIGGEST DWARF OF ALL:
JEB!
OH, THAT'S THE LAST TIME WE'LL HEAR HIS MOURNFUL MATING CRY,
JEB, JEB.
(LAUGHTER) NO ONE ANSWERED HIS MATING CRY!
ON SATURDAY, JEB FINISHED A DISTANT FOURTH IN SOUTH
CAROLINA AND, AS HE LEFT, JOHN ELLIS BUSH, A MAN NAMED
AFTER HIS OWN MONOGRAMMED TOWELS,
DESCRIBED THE RACE WITH AN APPROPRIATE METAPHOR.
>> TONIGHT, I AM SUSPENDING MY CAMPAIGN.
I CONGRATULATE MY COMPETITORS WHO ARE REMAINING ON THE ISLAND.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT!
THIS ELECTION IS LIKE "SURVIVOR"!
BUT SADLY, JEB DID NOT RUN AN "AMAZING RACE."
HE JUST DIDN'T HAVE THAT "XFACTOR," AND NOTHING SHORT OF
AN "EXTREME MAKEOVER" COULD MAKE VOTERS FORGET HIS "BIG BROTHER."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND IT ALL BEGAN SO PROMISINGLY
FOR THIS CAREER TRIBUTE, TRAINED SINCE BIRTH TO FIGHT FOR CAPITOL
CITY.
HE HAD ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF NAME RECOGNITION.
BUT WAS SADDLED WITH THE BURDEN OF NAME RECOGNITION.
IN AN ELECTION WHERE REPUBLICAN VOTERS CHEERED TALK OF MEXICAN
WALLS, THIS IS HOW JEB ANNOUNCED HE WAS IN --
(SPEAKING SPANISH) >> STEPHEN: AND... HE'S OUT.
(APPLAUSE) HOW DO YOU SAY "HASTA LA VISTA"
IN ESPANOL?
TRIBUTE JEB DISTINGUISHED HIMSELF AS A MODERATE, BY MAKING
A MODERATE EFFORT, SAYING EARLY ON THAT A REPUBLICAN CENTRIST
MUST BE WILLING TO "LOSE THE PRIMARY TO WIN THE GENERAL."
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE!
(APPLAUSE) THIS MUST ALSO BE A BLOW TO
TRIBUTE JEB'S SPONSORS IN THE CAPITOL, WHO GAVE HIM
$150 MILLION!
MEANING HIS CAMPAIGN COST AS MUCH AS "INCEPTION," ONLY THE
ENDING OF JEB'S CAMPAIGN MAKES SENSE.
BUT I WILL ALWAYS RESPECT TRIBUTE JEB -- FOR EVEN AS HIS
CAMPAIGN COLLAPSED AROUND HIM, HE NEVER LOST HIS DIGNITY.
>> I THINK THE NEXT PRESIDENT NEEDS TO BE A LOT QUIETER BUT
SEND A SIGNAL THAT WE'RE PREPARED TO ACT IN THE NATIONAL
SECURITY INTERESTS OF THIS COUNTRY, TO GET BACK IN THE
BUSINESS OF CREATING A MORE PEACEFUL WORLD... PLEASE CLAP.
(APPLAUSE) >> STEPHEN: HE SAID, "PLEASE
CLAP" AND THEY DID!
IF ONLY HE'D SAID "PLEASE VOTE FOR ME."
AND I WILL ALSO RESPECT HIM FOR TRUDGING ON DESPITE SINKING POLL
NUMBERS, DUBBING HIMSELF "THE JOYFUL TORTOISE" AND
HANDING OUT TOY TURTLES TO ANYONE WHO WOULD TAKE THEM.
BUT NOW THE TURTLE IS DEAD.
HE'S JOYFUL NO MORE!
WHAT DOES ONE DO WITH A DEAD TORTOISE?
(LAUGHTER) (FLUSHING SOUND)
BYE BYE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SAY HELLO TO ALL THE DONORS'
MONEY!
NOW, LET US BID FAREWELL TO THE FALLEN.
(CANNON FIRE) FAREWELL, GENTLE JEB.
YOUR DYNASTY HAS BEEN FOREVER PUT TO REST.
NOW, THE MOST POWERFUL BUSH IS A TIE BETWEEN YOUR COUSIN BILLY
AND THAT BAKED BEANS DOG.
PLEASE CLAP!