- I've got some bad news (audience member laughs)
'cause you guys have been down here without your phones--
- Uh oh. - Tom Hanks has coronavirus,
they announced it. (audience chatters)
(audience member claps) Tom Hanks has--
- Why are you clapping? - And nobody cares,
you fucking monsters? (audience laughs)
America's father has coronavirus!
This shit just got real for me.
I didn't care, I didn't care.
I was like, "Kill all the old people you want,
"but you don't touch Forrest Gump,
(audience laughs) "you mother fucker."
(all laugh)
My dad belongs to a church, he's a Deacon at a church,
he's a Deacon at a church.
He said, "None of the people in the church
"want to do communion or holy water
"'cause they're scared of catching coronavirus."
I was like, "Oh man, this faith in God shit
"goes out the window real fast, doesn't it,
(audience laughs)
"when there's a virus on the table?"
The Lord is my shepherd, (audience laughs)
unless there's a flu, then I don't trust Him!
(audience laughs)
I was out the other night with my buddy, Paulie.
We were in a bar, and everybody we met
was real dingy, you know?
We were meeting a lot of whack jobs.
And I turn to him and I go, "Why is everybody so whacked out
"in this bar right now?"
And he goes, "Coronavirus, (audience laughs)
"these are the fearless. (audience laughs)
"This is the bottom of the barrel,
"the ones with nothing to lose."
(audience laughs)
I think Netflix started coronavirus, I do.
I think Netflix started coronavirus, 'cause I think Netflix
was like, "We got 487 TV shows coming out next Tuesday.
"We need people inside." (audience laughs)
(audience applause)
Netflix has 5,000 fucking movies and TV shows on it.
I'm not in one of 'em, not in one of 'em.
I hope everybody gets this goddamn disease
(audience laughs)
out of spite, so I finally have a shot in this business.
Canceled St. Paddy's Day, cancel St. Paddy's Day parades.
I love that it took a deadly virus
for people to realize St. Paddy's Day parades
aren't a good idea. (audience laughs)
Why couldn't this happen during SantaCon?
That's my question. (audience cheers)
SantaCon, right?
What a way to make the Jewish people of New York
feel comfortable. (audience laughs)
It's a bunch of Christians in Santa suits
shit faced and screaming. (audience laughs)
I live in the East Village, major SantaCon place.
10:00 a.m., it was poppin' this year,
Santas everywhere, screaming, drinking, causing a ruckus.
4:00 p.m. hit, nothing, dead quiet,
'cause these pussies can't handle their alcohol.
(audience laughs) And let's be honest,
they don't have the balls to do cocaine, okay?
(audience laughs) You put on a Santa suit
and you're not doing blow?
You're a fucking pussy. (audience laughs)
You're a fucking pussy.
If I put on a Santa suit, I'm getting a bag,
we're riding high. (audience laughs)
I'm gonna be awake for a while, trust me.
(audience laughs)
I'll be up so long, I gotta put on a bunny suit
and I'm gonna hit Easter Sunday.
(audience laughs)
Did you see they hung a Nazi flag at that Bernie rally?
Yeah, yeah, Nazis hung a swastika flag,
well, I guess that's the only kind of Nazi flag
(audience laughs)
at a Bernie rally, and all the news was saying,
"Well, this is an act of anti-Semitism."
And I was like, "I'm not sure it is."
Nazis are real dumb, and they have a way
of twisting anything into being Nazi shit, alright?
Like when I was 18, I went to an Offspring concert,
and there was Nazis there, okay?
And I know what you're thinking, "Finally a hatred
"I could agree with the Nazis on."
(audience laughs) No!
They weren't there against The Offspring,
they were there for The Offspring,
and they were twisting Offspring lyrics
into White Supremacy meanings.
Like Nazis were walking around going,
"Pretty fly for a white guy, white!
"He didn't say black, he said white!
"We're the fliest!"
(audience laughs)
So I wouldn't be surprised if they were at a Bernie rally
like, "I like how this Jew gets how I hate Jews.
"He's good. (audience laughs)
"He's good, he doesn't come right out and say it,
"but he gets it." (audience laughs)
This is how childish our news is, okay,
this is how childish the news is.
I read about that story on CNBC's website, okay?
And they said, "An image was captured that's circulating
"of a swastika flag hanging at a Bernie Sanders rally,"
but they wouldn't show the image,
they wouldn't show the image in the article.
News does that all the time.
They go, "Hey man, something real fucked up happened
"and we got a picture of it, but we're not gonna show you
"'cause we're afraid you'll be offended."
No! (audience laughs)
Show me the picture so I don't end up
on some government list 'cause I'm Googling
"Jew Nazi swastika party"!
(audience laughs) (audience applause)
Show me the goddamn picture!
You'll read a story and it'll be like,
"A man was caught on video giving oral sex to a crocodile.
"It is wild!
"We're not gonna show you though.
"Go find that shit on your own."
(audience laughs) Thanks, thanks, news,
for forcing me onto the dark web,
'cause now I can't get a crocodile getting it's pussy eaten
out of my fucking head right now.
(audience laughs)
It's stuck in my head, I gotta see it.
(all laugh)
Biden's in the lead now. (audience member cheers)
Yeah, Biden's in the lead now.
Come on, you knew it was gonna happen,
you knew it was gonna happen.
He's an asshole, and that's what people like in a leader.
We like assholes to lead us.
Nobody wants to admit it, but it's the truth.
Every president we've ever had has been an asshole.
Trump is not the first, Trump's just the first
to come out with his dick in his hand,
like, "Yo, I'm a fucking asshole."
(audience laughs)
Ah, I didn't know you could do it like that, alright.
(audience laughs)
Biden is a dick.
Remember that woman was like, "You rubbed my shoulders."
He was like, "I didn't rub shit, bitch.
"Get the fuck out of my face."
(audience laughs)
She just went away.
People are like, "I like this guy.
"This is a leader." (audience laughs)
They're all assholes,
there's just different shades of asshole.
Trump, Bush, they're cowboy assholes.
Obama, JFK, they're boat assholes.
(audience laughs)
They're smooth with their asshole,
that's the only difference.
JFK was an asshole.
JFK would've come in your house like this,
"How you doing, sir?
"It's a pleasure to meet you.
"I plan on fucking your daughter this evening."
(audience laughs)
"Alright son, you got my vote."
(all laugh)
Speaking of assholes, Alex Jones--
- Hey! - Alex Jones, yeah--
- Asshole. (audience cheers)
- Just got a DWI. - Yeah!
- Just got busted, DWI.
Here's my question, how did the cops know he was drunk?
(audience laughs) Because when he's dead sober
he sounds like he's on meth.
(audience laughs)
I think the cops were like (blows), "I got Alex Jones here,
"and he's making perfect sense, I think he's shit faced.
"We're bringing him in." (audience laughs)
What do you think Alex Jones drinks?
Wouldn't it be great if he just drank White Claw?
(audience laughs)
He's in a bar like, "Sandy Hook never happened!
"Can I have another ruby grapefruit, please?
"Thank you, that's great.
"The children are lying!" (audience laughs)
You know what I miss about Yellow Cabs?
- [Audience Member] What?
- You can't get a good fingering going on
in the back seat of an Uber, can you?
(audience laughs) You can't,
don't groan, it's true.
Remember the backseat of a Yellow Cab?
It was like international waters back there.
(audience laughs) People were sucking,
and fucking, and doing blow.
You can't finger in a guy's Prius, you can't do it.
You're gonna get a bad rating.
(audience laughs)
I never give less than five stars, I always give five stars.
The guy could be driving against traffic on the freeway
firing a Glock out the window,
(imitates gun banging)
I'm like, "Five stars." (audience laughs)
I don't know what kind of day he's having.
I'm not trying to get anybody deported.
(audience laughs) He was probably a doctor
where he used to live, I feel bad.
(audience laughs)
I always give five stars,
unless when I'm getting out of the car,
the driver goes, "Give me five stars!"
Then I'm like, "You son of a bitch!
"How dare you tell me how to?
"One star, and I hope you send him back
"to wherever he came from.
"Where's the ICE button on this app?"
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
And I also don't care for the way Lyft talks to me.
I don't like Lyfts tone in its text updates.
It's always talking to me like it's my Guido boyfriend
from Staten Island. (audience laughs)
"Be ready outside, Anthony is two blocks away."
(audience laughs)
Don't talk to me like that, Lyft.
"I don't have time for the bullshit, Angela.
"Get your ass outside!
"We're late, my mother's waiting."
(audience laughs) Alright guys, I gotta go.
Thanks a lot, have a great night, take care.
(upbeat music)