You want to improve your relationship? There are 5 things that you should
never say to your spouse. My editor tells me that you should never use the word
never. And you should always avoid the word always. And I still use them
occasionally. But this is the top of the list for me. When we use the word never
or when we use the word always. Those 2 words, just think about that. It triggers
something psychologically. If I were to say to you,
"You never..." Whatever. Or if I were to say to, "You always..." The reason that triggers
something psychologically is because, it's never true. It's always inaccurate. I
know I'm using those words but I'm just kind of playing with you with that.
Honestly. Is there anything that you always do? Is there anything that you
never do? So, if your spouse says those words to you, you're immediately on the
defensive. And you can put your spouse on the defensive by accusing him or her
that he or she always does this or never does that. That's the top one on the list.
Number 2, apathy. You're not going to say apathy but what are you saying that
conveys apathy? "I don't care. Whatever." You're sounding like a teenager right
about now. Do you really think this is going to work with your spouse? Sometimes we
say those things when we get a little tipped over. When we get a little
agitated about something that's happening. To say that to your spouse
communicates apathy. And that's one of the most detrimental things to a
relationship. So, let's just take it out of the vocabulary right now. I don't care
and whatever. Which is kind of the same thing as I don't care. Number 3 on
this list of things that you should never
say to your spouse is actually a category of things that you should never
say to your spouse. And the category is the victim-blaming mode. It usually shows
up with saying something like, "This is all your fault. Because of you..." You see
how blaming that is? When we blame, we invite defensiveness. And defensiveness
validates accusation. So, it's this nasty cycle that as you blame your spouse, your
spouse gets defensive. You're more likely to blame them again for the same thing.
Because it feels like their defensiveness validates the accusation.
Let's get out of that victim-blaming mode and stay away from any phrase that
sounds like, "This is your fault." While I'm on that, do you remember I said this is a
category of thinking? Blaming yourself is still victim mode. And I don't think you
should say to your spouse, "Oh, fine. It's all my fault."
Or anything along those lines. Blame whether it's blame of your spouse or
it's blaming yourself is going to run us into the same problem. And notice how
it's just kind of a stalemate. Once you blame someone, we're out of
negotiation mode. They get defensive, you're on the attack. It's not going
anywhere. At least not anywhere productive. Number
4 on this list of 5 things you should never say to your spouse is
nothing. It's "Nothing." What if you were to say "nothing". That's the silent treatment.
And it's hostile. It's kind of a passive-aggressive sort of hostile. But
not saying anything communicates very clearly that you are not aligned with
them. That you are not on their team. So, saying nothing is kind of like
eating nothing. What would happen if you ate nothing? Well you would die
eventually. So, that's why nothing made the list. Something you should never say
to your spouse. And finally on this short list of 5 things. Anything that
suggests divorce. I know that this topic comes up sometimes. But the reason that
it does is because of the way that we talk. "I'm done." Alright. Now, you didn't
say anything about divorce but people use this sometimes out of frustration. "Oh,
I'm done." That sometimes is received as a message
that you are done with them. You are done with the relationship. And even if you
feel that, not a good idea to say it. Especially in the heat of the moment.
Because that introduces now a different dynamic. It is easier to commit 100% to a
relationship than it is to commit every day or not. What I mean is as long as
we're playing with an idea of maybe I'll stay in maybe I won't, we exhaust
ourselves trying to make that decision every day. What if you were just commit
and be done with it? I have to share a little example with you about an
experience I'm having with an exercise group. I play basketball 3 times a
week. Every Monday Wednesday and Friday at 6:00 A-M. I've been doing this for 23-
24 years now. And we always play. Somebody showed up not too long ago to this group
and thought it would be a good idea the night before to check in with everyone
and see if they wanted to play. This didn't make sense to me because I was
already committed to play every Monday, Wednesday and Friday without fail. Well,
as he started sending text messages, kind of taking role the night before, people
started to wait for that. And they started to think, "Do I want to? Do I not
want to?" And people stopped coming. So, sometimes I show up and I'm
by myself. And other times everybody responded to the roll call and 10 or 12
people show up. It must be exhausting to maintain that text ring every other day
during the week. And maybe that's a silly example but I saw very directly the
impact of wavering in your commitment. Are you in or not?
And if you're in, just be in. Do not say anything that would suggest otherwise.
Like I'm done or I just can't be married to you anymore or I can't go on like
this. Which incidentally is a lie. Yes you can. I had one of my clients say, "I can't
go on living like this." I'm like, "What do you mean?" "Well, I can't go on living with
my husband who is doing this and he's doing that." And she gave me the laundry
list. And I said "You're lying." She almost fired me in that moment. But
she was lying. She said I can't go on like this. She's been living this way for
20 years. Can she go on like this? Yes, she can. I'm not suggesting that she should
or that things couldn't change. In fact, I'm a big fan of improving and saving
these key relationships. What I'm saying is that our language matters. And if you
say anything that suggests that you're out, you just created a dynamic that
you're going to have to deal with continually. Take it out of your
vocabulary. I know this can get tricky from time to time. I hope you find these
videos helpful. If you'd like some individual coaching, we offer that as
well. liveonpurposed.coach is where you will find a group of highly
effective certified Live On Purpose coaches who could help you with this.
click on over to liveonpurpose.coach.