Kevin Hines survived a suicide attempt. After struggling for a long time with
mental illness, he decided to jump from the Golden Gate bridge. And he did it.
But what he learned that day, would change his life forever.
Kevin Hines: I got on the next bus, I sat in the last seat in the middle row.
We began to drive out to the Golden Gate Bridge and that's when it hit me. The ambivalence.
I realized I didn't want to die at all.
Kevin Hines: So I'm sitting there and I'm crying my eyes out
hoping for one individual on this bus crowded with people to look at me and say “hey kid, are
you okay?” “Hey kid is something wrong? Can I help you?” To reach out to touch me. To see my pain.
Kevin Hines: I was walking up to the bus driver hoping that he would see my pain. But I could
not say it overtly, I could not tell him that I was in trouble. I could not make those sounds.
And he looked at me and in typical San Francisco Muni fashion, he said, “come on, kid,
get off the bus, I got to.” It's his job, he's got to go to the rest of his route. I understood that.
I was sad. A wave of emotion overcame me as I stepped down off of this bus.
My feet heavy, my heart palpitating, waterfalls flowing out of my eyes, my eyes red.
I walked forward. I thought that's it. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Come on, everybody cared.
Every one of my family members cared. Every single member of my friends cared.
People I barely knew that were acquaintances would have cared.
My brain wasn't allowing me to care. That irrational thought when dealing
with someone who was contemplating suicide. I didn't want to die. I believed I had to.
I walk back toward the traffic. I ran as fast as I could and I threw myself over the rail.
I was not standing on any ledge to be talked back. I was in freefall.
And this is the important part. The very millisecond my hands and feet left that rail,
the very, very moment I was in freefall the only thoughts in my mind were “What have I
just done? I don’t want to die. God, please save me!” I hit the water, it's a four-second fall,
a vacuum opened up and sucked me beneath the water about seventy to eighty feet
but then I opened my eyes
and now I'm drowning. I don't want to drown. Kevin Hines: I frantically moved in any direction.
My legs were completely immobile. I had shattered my t12 l1 l2 lower
vertebrae in the shards, like glass, they splintered, all throughout my lower body.
My legs are mobile, only using my arms, I was going down, my ears were ringing, my eyes were
bulging out of my head. I realized I was going down I shot for what I thought was the surface
as fast as my arms would take me and I saw the lit water above me. I could see my destination
and I thought “you're not gonna make it.” You're not gonna make it, you're gonna drown.
I don't want to drown. God, please save me, I don't want to drown.
God, please save me I don't want to drown. I made a mistake, the greatest mistake of my life.
I broke the surface, barely made it.
Kevin Hines: I have learned very clearly that suicide is never, nor should ever be the answer.
And I can tell you that I will never attempt to take my own life again.
I think about it often enough. I contemplated all too often.
It's part of my life, I have chronic thoughts of suicide. But I will not let them break me. Because
I know the wake of destruction it causes all of those in my path.
I lived and my family is still in pain from what I did.
This life no matter how you live it,
no matter what you've gone through and why are your pains or what ails you,
is the single most powerful and amazing gift we have ever been given or will ever be given.
Like I said before, I will never take that for granted again.
Kevin Berthia survived a suicide attempt. He decided to jump from the Golden Gate Bridge.
What he didn’t know was that someone would change his mind,
and the lessons from that day would stay with him for the rest of his life.
Kevin Berthia: I was telling myself okay whoever I asked, I hope that I when I asked
them they looked at me in my face and they'll see something inside of me and asked me well why are
you going to the bridge because part of me on the inside was ready to say why I wanted to go.
Kevin Berthia: I started thinking about every painful moment in my life. I mean I was really
looking for a reason to continue to live. I was looking for one reason for me just look and say
all right, all right Kevin this is the reason. But by the time I got out there and walked for
about five minutes which felt like five hours I just couldn't find anything. So once I got to a
good spot I looked over the railing, saw there was nothing that was going to stop me. I saw
there was nothing but water. But when I looked in that water I just didn't see water. I saw peace.
Kevin Berthia: I knew that I had to do it. I took a couple steps back in a moment as I'm
heading towards the railing and about to jump over I hear a voice. Now here’s the voice.
The voice doesn't say “hey what are you doing?” We still don't know to this day what he said. But
this is what my heart felt. My heart felt “hey is everything all right?” And in that moment it
was enough of a distraction to where I grabbed the railing and turned myself on his court.
Kevin Berthia: After 15 minutes this voice starts to penetrate me and my soul in it.
And he gets a little closer and I start to hear him. I never look up. And the next 92 minutes
are crucial because in that same position, on that bridge with my feet hanging off the cord,
and at any moment I could do this and it could be over. And for 92 minutes this first responder,
this officer, this individual, this human just listened to me.
Kevin Berthia: At the time I was 22 years old. I started from the
age of 5 like I started today and I told him everything else, 17 years of my pain. He learned
about everything that I wanted to tell my adoptive mom, everything I want to tell my adoptive dad,
everything I want to tell my biological mom, everything I want to tell my biological dad.
How did I know he listened? How did I know after 89 minutes, after 92 minutes of listening to me?
I know he listened to me because he was able to get me back over that bridge. And here's how.
It was only one thing, at all the painful moments in my life.
The same thing that got me over that railing was gonna be the same thing to bring me back.
Life can be cruel and full of pain in despair.
Maybe you were never able to share your feelings with someone. Maybe you never felt heard or seen.
But I want you to remember that no matter how hard life is, there is always a way out.
And if you can’t see that, I ask you that you ASK FOR HELP.
There is no shame in asking for help. Everyone needs it. I certainly do.
And I know the difference it makes to have someone who listens to me and everything I
can’t articulate yet to the world. Give it a try. There’s always
someone willing to listen. Your pain is valid, your sadness
is valid, your hopelessness is valid. But you can be bigger than those things.
You can still see beauty in the world. You are worth it.
We all have to deal with a lot, and many times it feels like too much.
But when we share our pain, the burden becomes lighter. And the present becomes hopeful again.
Kevin Hines: Ladies and gentlemen an d friends. I leave you with this message
I carried with me every single day since I've heard it.
It means the world to me. It's a quote that I live by. It is my mantra. Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that is why we call it the present.