-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
Thank you for watching at home. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for being here.
Let's get to some news. Well, guys, thanks to
some big wins in Congress, falling gas prices,
and a stronger economy, President Biden's
approval rating has surged 3 points.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's it? [ Laughter ]
That's like donating a kidney
and getting a text back that says, "Thanks."
[ Laughter ]
-Come on. -3 points.
It makes sense, because when you're 79,
your surges aren't as strong as they used to be,
if you know what I'm saying. [ Audience groans ]
♪♪
-Cialis. -Uh --
[ Laughter ]
-Biden is only at 40% approval rating.
But that's a win. I mean, at one point,
he was polling lower than paper straws.
Did you know that? [ Laughter ]
I love the Earth, but this is ridiculous.
Yeah, that's the thing about the President -- he's resilient.
No matter how many times Biden gets knocked down...
[ Laughter ]
...he gets back up.
He gets back up every...time.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"What are these?
Is this a stairmaster?"
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
"The stairs aren't moving. You can just go right up."
Some -- Some business news here.
I saw that when Netflix rolls out their cheaper plan with ads,
users won't be able to download shows to watch offline.
[ Audience groans ] -Ooh. Whoa.
-Yes, it's gonna be very different.
With the cheaper plan, you get commercial breaks, no downloads,
when you try to hit "Skip intro," it says, "Nah"...
[ Laughter ]
..."Stranger Things" is just the "Jonathan" scenes...
[ Laughter ]
...each month, they send you a cheese sandwich
from the Fyre Festival documentary...
[ Laughter ]
...when you're with your parents, it automatically
plays the show "How to Build a Sex Room"...
[ Laughter ]
...and finally, it automatically shares
your password with all of your exes.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Oh.
-So maybe just think, if you're gonna do Netflix...
Some entertainment news -- it was just announced that
the 10th "Saw" movie is coming out next fall.
-Oh. -Yeah.
And in case you need a quick refresher
on the other "Saw" movies, here's the full list.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm excited for it.
Well, get this, I heard that Pabst Blue Ribbon
is partnering with a motel in Michigan
to create PBR-themed rooms. [ Audience groans ]
That's right, a beer-themed motel room,
or as it's also known, a motel room.
[ Laughter ]
Some big sports news -- 37-year-old LeBron James
just agreed to a two-year, $97 million contract extension
with the Los Angeles Lakers. [ Cheers ]
37 isn't that old, but in Los Angeles, he's 150.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, $97 million for LeBron, which means the rest of the team
gets paid in Panera coupons. [ Laughter ]
Guys, the CDC just ended their social distancing guidelines
that recommended people stay at least six feet apart.
-Does that mean what I think it means?
-Together forever.
♪♪
♪ Together forever and never to part ♪
♪ Together forever we two ♪
♪ And don't you know I would move heaven and Earth ♪
♪ To be together forever with you ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Dave & Buster's tonight, Tariq?
-See you there.
-But I'm going first at Connect 4 this time.
Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Quirky music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ] Well...
-Oh, my God. What?
-Hey, guys, listen to this... -[ Laughing ]
-...according to new research, standing desks can improve
your well-being and reduce stress at the office.
However, listening to your co-worker talk about
their standing desk does the complete opposite.
"It's just better on my lower back, and it's --"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, good -- good for you."
[ Laughter ]
"I sleep better." "Yeah, yeah, good for you.
Have the best life." [ Laughter ]
Finally, I saw a story about a couple
who picked a pretty unusual location
to celebrate their engagement.
It's beautiful. Watch this.
-A Tennessee couple recently had
an Italy-themed engagement photo shoot.
Look at this. The catch --
they were taken at this Olive Garden.
They definitely managed to capture an Italian vineyard vibe
at the popular chain restaurant. [ Cheers and applause ]
-That's great. Yes!
Then they asked for an exotic seaside location.
The photographer was like,
"There's a Red Lobster down the block."
We have a great show!