- Strap on your Omni-directional mobility gear
and get ready to probably die,
because here comes "Attack on Titan" in three minutes.
Season One: Our story begins with Eren Yeager,
who lives in the Shiganshina District,
one part of the last remaining human population
who has been decimated
by giant shambling nudie perverts called Titans,
and protected by the walls, Maria, Rose, and Sina.
Eren and his cool tough sister, Mikasa,
are devastated to see Titans perv stroll into town,
and eat Eren's mom.
Eren vows revenge and joins the military with his friends.
Eren trains for five years with Keith Sadies,
meeting some tough German-sounding pals
named Reiner and Bertholdt.
Eren and Mikasa qualify to join the safe military police,
but decide instead to join the scout regimen,
but are quickly demolished by some Titans.
Like full on Hulk-versus-Loki crushed into paste.
Eren gets vored.
Mikasa and Armin try to retake the supply depot,
but just when all hope seems lost,
a weird buff-looking goblin shows up,
and defeats the other Titans.
It collapses and Eren reverse-vores
out of its body.
The military learns of Eren's cool new party trick,
and tries to blow him up with guns.
But he is saved by Dot Pyxis,
a cool fun character who the creator of the show
actually based off of a horrific war criminal.
Eren joins Captain Levi's cool scout team.
Out on a mission they get absolutely wrecked
by a mysterious female Titan,
who ends up being fellow military kid, Annie Leonhart.
Annie and Eren have a big old Titan fight,
And Eren comes out on top.
Annie falls into a crystal cocoon coma,
and we see that inside the walls themselves,
are huge Titans!
Season Two: Some cultists try to cover up
the secret wall Titan,
and we meet the mysterious Donkey Ko-, I mean, Beast Titan,
who has the ability to speak.
We learn the crystal sleeping bag Annie has
is made of the same stuff that the wall's made of.
Reiner gets suspicious of a soldier named Ymir,
and he's totally right,
because while they're defending castle Utgard
from a Titan incursion led by Kelsey Grammer's Beast,
Ymir reveals she's a real goofed-up looking small Titan,
as she tries to protect Christa Lenz,
who is secretly Historia Reiss,
the true heir to the throne.
In another shocking reveal,
Eren learns that Bertholdt and Reiner
are the Colossal and Armored Titan.
In a big battle where the Colossal Titan vores Ymir,
Eren almost beats Reiner,
but is captured along with Ymir,
by the two other Titans.
Mikasa tries to rescue her brother and Ymir
from Bertholdt and Reiner,
but Ymir defects and joins the other two Titans.
Eren sees the Titan who ate his mom,
and activates the Coordinate,
which sounds like a GPS thing,
but is actually the ability to control the mindless Titans.
His ability allows the good guys to escape,
and Eren becomes more dedicated to saving humanity.
Season Three: Eren and Historia get captured
by the interior police.
Pyxis and Erwin orchestrate a bloodless coup,
while Historia, who has been captured by her father,
and apparently has the ability to alter memories,
reawakens in Eren the knowledge
that he became a Titan and vored his own dad.
Historia's dad Rod tries to convince Historia
to become a Titan and eat Eren,
so that she can be returned to the memory of her sister,
who was eaten by Eren's dad.
Historia doesn't fall for this and attacks her dad,
who becomes a giant Titan.
Historia teams up with the good guys
to stop her dad from killing a bunch of people,
and then becomes Queen.
In a huge battle against
the Armored, Colossal, and Beast Titans,
the good guys suffer major losses
when Armin is scalded nearly to death
by Bertholdt's hot stink.
But Levi injects him with the Titan serum,
and he eats Bertholdt,
becoming the new Colossal type.
Eren learns through weird memories of his father,
that their walled city isn't the last of humanity,
and there are other civilizations out there.
Specifically one that is very racist
against his race, who are the Eldians.
We see some very tasteless World War Two inspired imagery,
of the Eldians living in internment camps
of the Marley nation.
We learn that the Beast Titan
is Eren's secret brother, Zeke.
Eren and company head out to find the border
where Marley is.
Season Four: Falco and Gabi,
two Eldians who are trying
to become the next Armored Titan, and Zeke,
crush an army that is trying to fight Marley.
Reiner tries to get Falco
to become the next Armored Titan.
Which would mean getting vored by Falco,
which you know, there it is again.
In a big festival in Liberio,
Eren Yeager shocks Reiner with his presence.
The commander-in-chief of Marley, Willy,
makes a big speech at that festival,
revealing that his ancestors lied about King Fritz,
the Eldian king that was defeated,
and that Eren Yeager is a threat to world peace.
Eren explains to Falco and Reiner
that he doesn't think all Marleyans are evil,
but that there are just humans on both sides of the fight.
Willy declares war on Paradis,
then Eren hulks out and eats him
to steal the Warhammer Titan power,
which doesn't work because the true Warhammer Titan
was his sister, Lara.
Lara almost defeats Eren, who is saved by Mikasa,
then Lara is saved by the Cart Titan,
then Armin's Colossal Titan,
and Zeke's Beast Titan, show up.
There's a huge Titan free-for-all
where Eren uses the Jaw Titan
to break the crystal protecting Lara,
and then vores her to take her hammer power.
Eren tries to eat the Jaw Titan,
but is attacked by Reiner.
We learn that Eren and his friends
have actually been working with Zeke, against Marley.
Later, Zeke shockingly turns against the people of Paradis,
and turns a bunch of people into Titans.
But Levi tracks him down and chops off his limbs.
Zeke has a sad memory of his parents being mean,
before blowing himself up with Levi's explosives.
Eren's followers hold the government of Paradis hostage,
with the threat of turning them into Titans too.
They reveal that Eren and Zeke
want to sterilize all the Eldians
to eventually free humanity from the threat of Titans.
Which sort of falls back into the Fascism stuff.
Haha, whoops?
Eren is betrayed by a Marleyan
who was pretending to be on his side,
and reveals his location by Titaning out,
setting himself up for another fight against Reiner.
And that's as far as the show has gotten
at the time of this recap.
What do you think is going to happen next?
Sound off in the comments below.
Unless you're one of those dorks
who has read the manga
and knows the right answer.
If you are one of those dorks who has read the manga,
comment a total lie about what happens next.
Make it weird, make it real weird.
(battle music swells)
(playful 8bit music)