- Hello, 911? How are you?
I'm gonna need you to get down to 445 Elm St. fast,
because I have got a baby bird in its nest alone.
Where are the parents?
You are a garbage human,
your mother probably never loved you,
and your hair is a weird color.
Oh, I can just renew the book
instead of paying the 50 cent fine?
Okay, I'll do that.
You know, we've been through a lot together,
but when you went out
and bought a Honda instead of a Harley?
It's like I don't even know you anymore, Mom.
My old desktop computer which still ran Windows XP
just died.
Looks like I'm never using a computer ever again.
So, Sally told me she's not gonna vote in the next election.
That's fine, but she can go find someone else
to stay late every week
and secretly clean and organize her cubicle for her.
I just wanna let you know, I woke up this morning,
I had a bit of a stomach ache,
and I looked it up on WebMD,
and it was like, I don't know, liver failure,
kidney disease, a burst appendix.
It's bad, man, I'm not gonna make it.
So I just wanted to say, I love you,
and I'll see you on the other side. (kisses)
The accident was clearly his fault, officer.
He was driving extremely slow,
so I rammed the back of his car to make him go faster.
What was I supposed to do?
Drive under the speed limit?
Does the sign say 30?
No, it says 30-(beep)-5.
You think his music is "pretty good"?
Yeah, no, he's the seminal artist of our generation,
and a musical genius, but yeah, no, he's "pretty good."
Yeah, no dude, we're all entitled to our own musical taste,
even if yours irreparably damages my opinion of you.
It's been almost two minutes,
and you still haven't acknowledged my new haircut.
The message is loud and clear:
you think you're better than me.
You think I'm a tryhard, you think I'm trifling.
Well guess what?
Consider our friendship over,
and I'm muting you on Instagram.
Okay, stop hitting Reply All
if the only thing you're putting in the email
is "thanks" or "message received", okay?
And if your reply is only intended for one person,
I know this is counterintuitive,
but don't hit Reply All!
I've got a Reply All for everyone:
working at this company is like
being surrounded by idiots on Dipstick Island,
population: all of you mother-(beep).
Wait a second.
You are telling me that you're putting
a Starbucks and a Chipotle
across the street from this house?
(sentimental music) Wow.
This is the best day of my life.
This is better than my wedding day
and when my children were born.
Hey Bryan Liggins, this is Dragon_Taco
from the programming subreddit.
How's that Hungry-Man dinner
you've been shoving in your mouth for the last 30 minutes?
That's right, 4042 Lake St, I know where you live,
and I've been watching you all night.
Still think my Python scripting
is inelegant and inefficient, Bryan?
Whoa, what are you doing, man?
Oh, you're stretching.
I thought you were trying to hug me, man.
Don't scare me like that.
Oh, hey guys, it's been a while, right?
Sorry I didn't tell you I moved, it just happened so fast.
My girlfriend, she said she needed some space,
so I moved out of the state and started a new life.
I know it was 10 years ago,
but the time never felt right to reach out.
Timmy, I've noticed you've come into work
every day this week
with the same mustard stain on your pants.
Because of your gross negligence,
I am hereby terminating your employment.
I have also called the police and informed them
that you are armed and dangerous,
and to shoot you upon sight.
Two minutes ago she read my text asking to hang out tonight,
and she still hasn't responded.
It's over.
How could I have been so stupid?
I've ruined everything.
I'll never give my heart away ever again.
Maybe that Buddhist monastery is accepting applications.
(ding)
Nevermind.
If you wanna own some of these cool designs
to wear on your own body,
the link is in the description,
you can be repping your favorite YouTube channel,
which is this one.
♪ It's gonna be the best day of my li-- ♪
Oh, copyright. (laughs)
(grunts) Whoa!
Whoa, what are you doing?
Bryan?
I'm muting you on Myspace.