As a race,
human-beings are going through a huge shift right now.
A shift in their consciousness.
They're experiencing a hundredth monkey experience.
What's the hundredth monkey?
Basically if you take a bunch of chimpanzees
and somebody finds a new tool,
a new way of doing something,
that monkey passes it to the next monkey,
which passes it to the next monkey and by the hundredth monkey,
the entire species,
essentially has that tool.
We are experiencing that,
relative to relationships.
Your Definition of Love is Wrong
Up until today, relationships in human race
have been dysfunctional.
So many relationship experts
talk about insecure attachment styles,
they talk about the classic codependent and narcissistic relationship,
but they talk about this as if it's the rarity.
Guess what?
It's not the rarity.
It's the human condition.
The rarity is a human being
who has figured out how to have a secure attachment.
And the rarity is a human being that has figured out
how to love in a way that isn't abusive.
But all of this is about to change.
The old way of having relationships
and subsequently, our subconscious definition of love
has been passed down to us for thousands of years.
But to understand it, we have to see how it's passed down.
How it begins.
Because our parents did not receive true love
long before we were born,
they entered a kind of self-centered bubble
where they had to fight for their needs. in all kinds of covert and overt ways.
As a result of this,
most parents have children in the first place
for these self-centered reasons.
We are born with the thought and expectation
that we will serve a need that they have.
They do not really take us as part of themselves
and cannot really embrace us as our unique selves
as opposed to what they want us to be.
Most of the things they give us are transactional in nature.
Because of this dynamic
it's not a true partnership that we have with our parents.
They can treat us in any way they like
without being really attuned to the impact they're having on us.
They can treat us in any way they like whether it's an incoming abuse,
like shaming, or outgoing abuse, like emotional neglect,
and still, we're expected to be the one
that maintains our connection to them,
stays committed to them,
and puts their needs and desires first.
If we do not, were made out to be the bad guy.
We're made out to be the self-centered one that hurts them.
What we learn is that true love
is the same as staying connected to
and committed to and putting someone first,
regardless of what they do or don't do to us.
This is actually mankind's definition of love.
regardless of whether people are aware of this or not.
This is what they think love is,
and because it's their definition of unconditional love,
it's what everyone's look for.
And it's what everyone's trying to create.
Sit with that definition of love that I just gave you
for a moment.
I mean, I really want this to settle in,
just how messed up this is.
Just how wide open the door is for abuse there.
I want you to see that the major potential
is that you could think abuse or neglect is love.
Now this definition gets us in a lot of trouble
because it sets us up for failure.
Often times, we chase people who are abusive
or people who are completely unavailable to us.
But even if we don't do that,
it sets us up for what's to follow,
which is that, the minute that somebody commits,
that's not really love to us.
Love is, you know, as I said before,
somebody being committed regardless of what we're doing to them,
and so here's what happens:
We have to turn the tables on the person
who we've chased.
The person who we wanted to be with.
And we turn the tables in this way:
We have to do anything to them,
even leave them and abandon them,
in order to see that they're committed to us,
and are going to stay with us
regardless of what we do or don't do.
And then we know we're loved.
There is no safety in our relationships as a result.
We're caught in an endless pattern of erratically hurting each other
withdrawing from each other pushing each other away
and desperately clinging to each other.
If you have grown up with a self-centered parent,
and here I'm gonna warn you;
The parents who say they're the most selfless
that constantly remind you of everything they're doing for you,
are in fact the most selfish.
So don't fall for that.
But, the parents,
if you've grown up with one who is self-centered,
it sets up a state where,
because they're only concerned with their needs,
and you feel it on some level,
you basically have to fight for your own best interests
so, you adopt the same technique.
"I have to care about my own needs".
and so you're basically fighting for yourself hood.
You're fighting for your needs.
This is the opposite of love.
To love something is to take it as a part of yourself.
It is completely inclusive.
When you love something
you energetically pull it towards you and include it as you.
But if you've grown up with one of these self-centered parents,
which I'm sorry,
this is the human condition,
you can't conceptualize of how to merge.
That concept doesn't exist.
All you can understand
is the concept of being swallowed.
Now if you can understand the concept of being swallowed,
what that means is,
you're terrified that if you take somebody else as part of yourself,
or let them take you as part of them self,
what's gonna happen is a one-way relationship.
Where you're meeting their needs
and you're prioritizing their best interests,
but they're not doing the same thing back.
So instead, you're getting engulfed and losing yourself in them completely.
This is also not love.
In love you take the other person's best interests
as part of your own best interests.
And they take your best interests
as part of their best interests.
And closeness is the primary priority in both of your lives.
This creates the only true safety in relationships.
You can't hurt something that you take as part of yourself,
without hurting yourself.
Obviously if you haven't grown up with this type of love,
which you haven't,
you've grown up with a parent where this was not the case at all,
this type of relationship wasn't a possibility,
it was a one-way relationship,
you staying connected to mom and dad,
regardless of what they did or didn't do,
you basically think this is what your relationships are gonna look like.
So instead, you cling to your selfhood,
and you fight the relationship.
This is what power struggles are all about.
We prevent love.
We fight to keep ourselves separate, but in relationship.
We cannot risk the trust of giving ourselves to the other person
and them giving themselves to us,
so we can never experience the feeling of symbiotic love.
We are trapped in ego and society supports it.
It is not love to stay committed to and connected to someone
regardless of what they do or don't do to you.
It isn't love to expect someone to stay connected to you
regardless of what you do, or don't do to them.
In real love,
you're not losing any kind of self at all.
Why? Because you are choosing to include them as you
and vice versa, out of your own free will.
Anytime you use your own free will to make a choice,
that's you "self" making a choice.
It's not against your will.
Even if your choice is,
to create fusion in your relationships.
When we do this,
we are completely committing to a relationship.
And commitment into a relationship,
is the only way your relationships are actually going to feel good.
The war between the selves ends.
Now, an interesting thing happens
when you actually live your life according to the real definition of love,
instead of this false one,
that human beings have propagated for thousands of years;
The interesting thing that happens
is that suddenly, you can see a third option.
Now, a lot of the happiness and security in your relationships,
has to do with finding a third option.
So it's not a needs conflict,
it's not me versus you,
I win you lose, or you win, and I lose.
It's basically when you can take the other person's best interest
as your own,
and they can take your best interest as their own,
so as to find something that meets both of your mutual best interests.
This is what gives rise to trust and security in the relationship.
This brings an end to both loneliness and abuse.
I suggest you take a look at your definition of love today.
Even if some of you haven't known it.
We are stepping out of this paradigm.
We are waking up to what real love is,
versus our crappy definition of what it was before this.
And the first step,
is letting go of this definition.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com