-Our next guest stars in the comedy series "Woke,"
streaming now on Hulu.
Making his "Tonight Show" debut, please welcome the very funny
T. Murph.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Hey! Whaddup?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh! Oh!
Okay, all right.
All right, all right, stop, stop, stop.
I only got five minutes, a'ight?
[ Light laughter ]
So, look, I just had a new baby, and I lost 35 pounds!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
That's why I got my nephew T-shirt on.
[ Light laughter ]
Yeah, y'all gon' see these gains! [ Laughs ]
I don't like the fact that people make assumptions
when you have a baby and lose weight.
Some lady was like, "Oh, my God. You lost the weight
because you want to be here when he gets older."
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, "No. I just met him."
[ Laughter ]
I don't even know if he gon' be cool, is what I'm saying.
I'm-a tell you the real reason I lost weight.
I lost weight, because one day I was holding my baby
without a shirt and he tried to latch on.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I don't know if you ever felt a baby wet lips
on your naked chest.
It's not as beautiful as women make it out to be, it's not.
And he came in hot.
[ Light laughter ]
Babies don't see gender, all they see are D-cups.
[ Applause ]
So, I didn't lose weight like how men are supposed to.
I didn't work out with my homeboys,
and that's what I should've did.
Because when you work out with your boys,
you know what you doin', right?
You work on the chest, you work on the shoulders,
you work on the arms, all right?
I started working out with my wife.
And let me tell you something, men --
don't do that.
[ Light laughter ]
Because women don't work on the same muscle groups
you do. When you work out with your boys,
you know what you're doing.
You start working out with your wife, do you know
what you're doing? Huh?
Now you in the gym, and you are killing this.
You are...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...murdering this.
You are killin' this.
I'm talking all squats, I mean, just squat, some lunges,
a lunge, lunge.
Now, I am thick as hell for no reason.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Arms don't look like nothin',
but I am dragging that wagon, yeah?
[ Light laughter ]
I'm two squats away from posing like this on Instagram
is what I'm saying.
Yass.
#MurphTheeStallion.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You know what's crazy about getting thick as a man?
Nobody tells you. Nobody.
It's not like you hanging out with you boys one day,
and they like, "Okay, I see you."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm-a tell you how you find out.
I'm gonna tell you how you find out.
A woman will tell you.
Yes. Women love thick men.
[ Crowd cheers ]
See, I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I'm a tell you how I found out.
One day, I was walking down the street,
minding my own business, right?
Had just left the gym, had my little workout shorts on,
when out of nowhere all I heard was, "Mmm."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Excuse me, little mama with the beard, wait a minute!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Wait a minute! Little mama with the beard"?
I had to look back like, "Who, me?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
I never been catcalled before. I felt pretty.
[ Laughter ]
I got a 16-year-old daughter.
Don't like her.
[ Laughter ]
I don't -- her attitude is ridiculous, man.
I don't know if you ever met a 16-year-old girl,
but they not the coolest people.
[ Light laughter ]
Every time you say something to them, it comes with an attitude,
and it throws me off because that used to be my baby.
That was daddy's little princess.
Now any time I say something to her, she says something to me,
it comes with an attitude.
And you can always see their attitude.
It starts in the shoulders.
And works up through the neck and upper extremities.
She asked me something yesterday, she was like
"Dad, I made a text and it didn't go through.
Did you pay my phone bill?"
And I saw it start revving up.
[ Laughter and applause ]
As it got faster, it sounded like a kung-Fu movie, just --
[ Imitating blows ]
And I was like, "When did you get a glitch, all right?"
I've known you for 16 years, you've never had a glitch.
But I'm-a tell you what the problem is, parents.
Your kids don't know you outside of the role
that you play in their life.
They don't know you outside of the role of mommy and daddy.
They don't know who you are out there.
One day I had to let my daughter know.
I said, "Hey, you might know me as Daddy, ha, ha, ha, ha,
but I'm a whole 'nother person in these streets, a'ight?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah. Don't let the Instagram pose fool you.
Don't let it --
[ Light laughter ]
Spending time with my kids
has given me a greater appreciation for teachers.
I will say that. Yeah, teachers are dope.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I will say, uh, please, uh, teachers,
stop sending so much homework home with these kids.
I got a 9-year-old son and his teacher sends everything home.
And then she's just too in contact, right?
She calls, she texts, she Facetimes, she e-mails,
she Google Chats, she Zooms.
Saying stupid stuff like, "Your son hasn't turned in
his homework."
Because I don't know how to do it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I mean, does she know how long ago the fourth grade was?
Do she?
This math is hard. My son is like,
"Well, what are we gon' do?" I'm like, "We gon' cheat,
that's what we gon' do."
"We finna Google these answers."
[ Laughter ]
You ever find out you're the dumb parent?
You ever figure that out?
"Now we gotta wait on your mama to get home
to help us with your homework"?
[ Laughter ]
Homework was so hard, I had to turn it upside-down, like,
"Maybe I'm looking at it wrong. Let me check it out."
Hey, my name is T. Murph. Y'all have been amazing.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's how you do it right there, man.
That's how you do it. Thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
T. Murph!
"Woke" is streaming now on Hulu.
We'll be right back, everybody.