- Usually when we think of someone who's a mess,
we think of someone who can't self-sooth in any capacity,
is led by their emotions, and is incapable of regulating.
Ma'am, I believe we may be living
in a completely fraudulent system.
There are swaths of financial terrorism happening
in our markets.
Bad actors are cellar boxing
brick and mortars, looting the U.S. Treasury and costing
hundreds of thousands of Americans their jobs.
- This is fine.
(firework explosion booming)
- It's not even a joke.
I just wanted to take this time to inform you
that white collar crime is prevalent
in the highest ranks of the rich and we should eat them.
It's like, "pay taxes or be eaten,"
new legislation going into effect in 2022.
But I digress.
Very often when we see people and instinctively say...
- Oh my God, she's a mess.
- Such a mess.
- What a mess.
- What we often assume is that this person escapes
through copious substance abuse.
- Drunk you, officer.
I'm not thank at all.
Whoops!
- Can't be responsible or accountable
for their own actions.
Wait, wait.
What do you mean I'm supposed to pay taxes every year?
Or are just so completely disorganized,
they're not put together whatsoever.
- Why are you doing a cutaway to me?
I'm fine.
Cut back to Anna, Tim.
I'm fine.
Everything is fine.
Do you hear me, do you hear me?
- But most people who are a "hot mess"
just don't have control over one of the three components
of our identities that run our emotional show.
And they are: our inner child, the ego and our shadow.
So the "inner child" in psychotherapy terms
is the childlike aspect within our unconscious minds.
The inner child carries all of our core wounds,
learned beliefs and repressed emotions.
They're the framework and foundational pillars
of our childhood.
And despite the inner child
often being categorized by the lingering
dysfunctional effects of childhood and our unresolved
traumas and associated with these wounds,
it also represents our physical,
emotional, creative, and spiritual needs,
our playful side and when healed and whole,
our most pure selves.
But we all know people whose inner child
is just making a mess of their adult lives.
People who operate out of their abandonment fears,
answer bid for chaos because suffering is familiar,
have boundaries that are too weak or rigid,
are ashamed to express themselves, distrustful,
people pleasing to the point of avoiding
conflict at all costs and prone to addiction.
If your inner child is making a mess,
the solution is to strengthen your adult observer.
I've done a lot of adult observer work in my therapy,
and basically it boils down to becoming
a loving and compassionate parent to yourself.
It's understanding that...
Yes, we have a lot of work to get done,
but staying up late, isn't the answer.
Let's go to bed and wake up early.
It's saying...
- Absolutely.
And I understand that you feel alone and sad,
but remember you can reach out to your support system.
You're not a burden.
- And it's thinking...
- I know you feel really hurt and rejected right now,
but ultimately this is a gift.
You don't want to be where you're not wanted.
That's not what love is to us anymore.
- The second component is our ego.
Now a healthy ego is great for self esteem,
but your ego can become a problem
when it negatively controls your emotions,
thoughts and reactions.
In "Scientific American,"
Barry Kaufman defines ego as that aspect of the self
that has the incessant need to be seen in a positive light.
Unlike confidence, ego operates out of selfishness
and Quincy Jones put it best when he said,
"Ego is overdressed insecurity."
Signs that you are a mess because of your ego are
that: you can't take criticism,
you constantly compare yourself to others
and you feel like you're better than them.
You always have to win and you have to feel right.
You interrupt other people a lot.
You have a zero sense of gratitude.
You love to take credit for success
and you're incredibly defensive.
But the funny thing about the ego is that
maybe it won't even let you hear these words.
So your solution is to practice more self-awareness.
Put your ego in fucking check.
Are you overpraising or undervaluing yourself?
If you're offended every time you're corrected,
can you stop and examine that?
If a friend has told you about a behavior of yours
that bothers them, can you hear what they say
and adjust your behavior accordingly?
- You know, your ego is huge.
- Thank you.
I've actually been working on it a lot.
It used to be gigantic.
- And finally, your shadow.
Shadow work, it's not fun, okay?
In analytical psychology,
the shadow is the unconscious aspect of the personality
that the conscious ego does not identify in itself.
So basically the shadow is your unknown side,
which makes it a real bitch to work on.
Let me tell you.
And shadow work means getting involved
with the parts of ourselves that we repress,
our darkest side.
In order to bring those parts into our conscious awareness
so that we can finally work on them.
Your shadow is responsible
for a lot of your impulsive behavior.
It's the parts of ourselves that are unlikable,
unreasonable, and the most wounded.
Everything you hate about yourself and are most ashamed of,
that's just the surface of your shadow.
Now how your shadow shows up in your life
is gonna be completely dependent on how you were raised
and what you learned.
So, unfortunately it can be damn near anything.
But as Carl Jung said,
"Until you make the unconscious conscious,
it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
If you're a mess and you don't know why,
and you don't know how to stop, shadow work may be for you.
If you truly feel like you don't understand
why things go wrong, why relationships fall apart,
why friends suddenly drift away,
why you're so unfulfilled and unhappy,
but you can't seemingly do anything about it,
it may be time to, you know,
find a therapist and then do all that really hard
shadow work and then cry and journal and cry some more.
But shadow work is really powerful.
You know, it's not pleasant, it's not comfortable,
but it's incredibly powerful.
It can break patterns of self-sabotage,
addiction and codependency.
You can face subconscious patterns that stem
from childhood sexual or psychological abuse,
and by opening up to your shadow,
you can see how your thoughts and feelings
influence your behavior and create your reality
because ultimately shadow work is all about
empowering yourself by taking
responsibility for your projections.
I'm Anna Akana.
Thank you to the Patreons who supported today's video
and thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring today's episode.
Even if you aren't a mess, you know,
sometimes we all just need help navigating life struggles,
pinpointing what's interfering with our happiness,
or we just need some help creating patterns
that serve our lives more.
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with your own licensed therapists.
I have several friends who use them now,
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And you send a message to your counselor anytime,
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BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier,
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You can go to betterhelp.com/akana.
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