Hey everyone, and welcome to TopThink.
Today, we are going to learn about how to be confident around everyone.
Now, let’s begin.
1.
Battling Assumptions The human brain excels at making assumptions.
We’re adept at relating people and stimuli in a way that creates some kind of meaning.
In the world we live in, this is an incredibly valuable skillset.
Assumptions let you predict how different situations will pan out.
The more you can assume, the easier it is for your brain to mentally prepare.
Whenever you walk into a room or meet new person, you start looking for small clues
to make these educated guesses.
An item of clothing or a piece of body language can, for example, give you enough information
to judge someone’s history, interests, and character.
Fancy shoes may convince you someone is stuck-up.
Or you might see crossed arms and assume they think you’re annoying.
You could be right, but you could just as easily be wrong.
As helpful as our assumptions are, they’re rarely an accurate way to assess the world
around us.
It’s like using a single puzzle piece to decide how an entire puzzle looks.
Think about it.
If I handed you a random blue piece, what could you tell me about the rest of the picture?
You might see the blue and assume you’re looking at a picture of the sky.
But it could be an underwater reef.
Or some kind of icy tundra.
My point is that assumptions always provide a flawed and limited view of the world around
you.
When you’re struggling with confidence, assumptions can be your worst enemy.
Your guesses will lead you to believe you’re the only nervous and awkward person in the
room.
That everyone else has fascinating things to say and great stories to tell.
That no one has any interest in getting to know a boring person like you.
The list goes on and on.
But that’s just one way to complete the puzzle.
One limited perspective of the world.
You’re honing in a few specific details, and then using them to judge an entire situation.
While it’s a completely natural thing to do, most of the time, your assumptions are
going to miss the mark.
Because it’s just as possible that everyone is nervous, no one is interesting, and they’re
all excited to get to know you.
You’ll never really know for sure until you take the plunge.
So don’t let your quick judgments control you.
Next time you make some kind of polarizing assumption, you should rise to the challenge.
Find out for yourself whether or not it’s actually true.
More often than not, it won’t be.
By challenging your assumptions again and again, you’ll have the confidence to defy
your own negative expectations.
2.
Lucid Self-Assessment Where does self-esteem come from?
It’s a pretty general question with a lot of different answers.
But some methods work a lot better than others.
Let’s focus on one very common strategy for building confidence: praise.
In other words, you receiving a compliment.
Praise is a well-known confidence booster, because, in one-way or another, it changes
your perception of yourself.
Imagine you just bought a new shirt, but you’re kind of nervous about how it looks.
You wear it out in public for the first time and someone compliments you.
That compliment instantly alters your self-image.
You start to think of yourself as better looking or more attractive, even if it’s just a
little bit.
When your self-image improves, your confidence tends to follow suit.
While some degree of praise is good, too much of it can skew your perception of yourself.
Praise, unlike many other avenues for developing confidence, distorts your self-image without
any kind of definitive proof.
That’s a little bit confusing so let me explain.
If you become more confident after accomplishing a goal, you’ve proven to yourself that you’re
capable of something.
You’ve overcome a hurdle.
Faced some kind of adversity.
You earned that confidence boost, so your self-image should reflect your achievements.
But praise can be hollow, exaggerated, and undeserved.
If you’re constantly receiving praise, you’ll struggle to accurate assessing your strengths,
weaknesses, and intrinsic value.
On the flip side, people often equate a lack of praise with worthlessness.
My point is that you shouldn’t ground your self-esteem in an external foundation.
Don’t let other people’s praise, opinions, or criticisms define who you are.
It isn’t an accurate or fair way to understand what you’re capable of.
If you want to be confident around anyone, you need to judge yourself fairly.
Remember the experiences you’ve had.
The walls you’ve climbed.
The goals you’ve accomplished.
Your achievements will allow you to realistically assess yourself as an individual.
And chances are, you’ll discover you have a lot more to offer than you thought.
3.
Role Application Another way to boost your confidence is to
assign yourself a role in every conversation.
Imagine your role as a goal that you want to achieve.
It’s a purpose that you lay out for yourself before the conversation starts.
That goal can be just about anything.
You might say, “it’s my job to make the other person feel interesting” or “my
role is to show the other person that I understand them.”
If you’re struggling with confidence, try picking a role that naturally increases your
likeability.
One possible option is to take the spotlight off of yourself.
Choose a role like “making them feel interesting.”
This requires a lot more listening than talking.
You would increase their enjoyment of the conversation by simply displaying genuine
interest.
Since you know what your role is, you know exactly how to behave.
For example, you might nod, smile, and ask open-ended questions.
But how does role assignment actually increase your confidence?
Well, it works in two different ways.
First of all, role assignment lets you plan ahead.
You can assess the situation, figure out who you’re talking to, and choose the best role
for that environment.
That way, you don’t feel like you’re going in blind.
Role assignment also boosts your confidence by giving you're a reason to be there.
Many people struggle with the idea that they’re boring, unwanted, and useless.
They don’t the self-esteem to put themselves out there.
But having a purpose gives you the courage to do things you never normally would.
Imagine there’s an expensive store on the street where you work.
You know you can’t afford anything inside, so you’ve never gone in to look around.
But one morning, when you walk into work, your boss has an errand for you to run.
He needs you to pick up a package from the owner of that expensive store.
Under normal circumstances, you’d never go inside.
But now you have a purpose.
You have some reason to be there.
So overcoming that obstacle doesn’t feel like much of a challenge.
If you have a goal in mind, you’ll feel more confident crossing boundaries and stepping
out of your comfort zone.
So how do you know which role is right for you?
It does depend pretty heavily on the context of the conversation.
For example, if you know you’re going to be talking to your superiors, your role shouldn’t
be something self-centered.
But you should also choose a role that fits your individual personality.
Start by reflecting on the one thing you do best when talking to other people.
Maybe you’re really good at asking creative questions.
Or you laugh at almost everything.
Try to build your role around your biggest strength.
That way, you can smoothly transition into a more confident conversationalist.
4.
The Power of Definitions Before you can become a more secure individual,
you have to figure out what confidence means to you.
Because it can mean a lot of things.
In fact, confidence looks and sounds extremely different to everyone.
To some, it’s fearlessly introducing yourself to everyone in the room.
To others, it’s having the self-assurance to keep your mouth shut.
There’s no right or wrong definition of confidence.
The way you conceptualize confidence is unique to you.
It relies heavily on the person you are, the personalities you look up to, and the environment
you were raised in.
For example, you might’ve learned from watching your favorite celebrities that a confident
person is supposed to be comfortable in the spotlight.
But what if your friend thinks confidence is having the courage to achieve your goals.
Both are valid definitions of confidence, but they require very different skillsets.
So, as you each work on becoming more confidence, would you practice the same techniques and
habits?
No, you’d focus on things that relate specifically to your definition of confidence.
You might do more public speaking, immerse yourself in social settings, or practice conversing
with strangers.
Your friend, on the other hand, wouldn’t get anything from these exercises.
He’d build confidence by creating more digestible goals and taking advantage of new career opportunities.
These two approaches are completely unrelated; yet both can effectively yield a particular
kind of confidence.
The problem is… very few people understand their definition.
You probably haven’t sat down and reflected on what confidence means to you.
Instead, you might have skipped steps.
You started searching for strategies to become more confident without narrowing down this
incredibly diverse concept.
But that’s like trying to plug a leak in a boat without knowing where the hole is.
To change an element of your personality, you need a definition to give you that all-important
sense of direction.
Otherwise, even if you absorb every piece of advice, you’ll never get anywhere.
You’re learning how to portray someone else’s definition of confidence instead of your own.
Even if you were doing everything perfectly, you would only seem confident in their eyes.
In yours, you’d feel just as doubtful and insecure as you did previously.
So, before you take any of these tips out into the world, have an honest conversation
with yourself about confidence.
What does it look like?
What does it sound like?
Who do you think is truly confident and why?
The more specific you are, the better.
Every detail will help you develop your unique brand of confidence.
Thank you for watching TopThink, and be sure to subscribe, because more incredible content
is on the way.