(drum flourish)
- A woman came up to me after a show
and she goes, "Can I talk to you about those suicide jokes?"
And immediately I was annoyed
because I figured she's going to try to rescue me,
which I don't need or she's going to try to lecture me
on how suicide isn't funny,
"And you shouldn't joke about it."
I already know suicide's not funny.
A subject doesn't have to be funny on its own
in order to be talked about on a stage.
That's not how comedy works.
(audience cheers and applauds)
You're all gonna leave here exactly as you walked in.
None of you are going to change who you are.
You're not going to walk out of here,
"I didn't realize suicide was so hilarious.
I can't stop smiling thinking of all the lives it shatters."
(audience laughs)
- I travel the whole country and everybody is freaking out.
Everywhere I go,
people are doing deep yoga breaths in the airport.
They're downloading meditation apps on their phone.
Just trying to keep it together.
Calm down, you're doing great.
You're doing great.
I'm telling you, you're doing great.
Life isn't perfect.
It never was and it never will be.
We all got stuff to deal with.
You're doing great.
So what you're fat, who cares?
(audience laughs)
We're all fat.
You're either really fat, kinda fat,
or trying not to be fat.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Either way, fat's coming.
(audience laughs)
And that's all right, don't hate on it.
Yeah, you know why you're fat?
'Cause you're winners.
Yeah, first generation born at the right time
doesn't have to fight for survival.
Food always within arm's reach, perfect temperature,
everywhere you go.
Every day wake up in America, it's a perfect 72 and snacky.
So yeah, we're going to be a little chubby.
Big deal.
(audience laughs)
Don't hate on it.
Don't hate on it, accept you.
This is it guys, you're a grownup.
You're an adult.
This is what you ended up looking like.
Game over.
So you don't have the body of an Olympic athlete.
Well, you're not an Olympic athlete.
You're Don from sales.
You got a fat ass, you wear khakis.
You hike them up when you walk.
We still like you.
(audience laughs)
So don't tell me what you're quitting.
I don't care.
I don't care what your low self-esteem
decided you should quit this week.
I'm quitting meat, I'm quitting gluten.
I don't care.
You're my friend.
You looked awful yesterday.
You're going to look a little worse tomorrow.
(audience laughs and applauds)
You got to be nicer to yourself.
This is hard.
It's hard, what we're doing, isn't it?
It's hard, it's hard being a person.
Yeah.
It's hard.
When I was little, I used to look at grownups
with money and cars and think, "Wow, that looks fun.
I can't wait."
Then I was an adult for six weeks.
I'm like, "This blows."
(audience laughs)
"I have to pay for everything."
(audience laughs)
Just the physical maintenance of you every day, right?
It's endless.
Just the brushing and cleaning and wiping
hopefully every day.
(audience laughs and applauds)
It's like you're your own pet.
And some people don't take care of their pet very well.
You see them on the sidewalk, their hair's all matted.
It looks like they just ate out of the garbage.
Where's your collar, Dan?
Arrgh.
(audience laughs)
God, just the checklist of stuff you got to do
to get out of the house, right?
I mean, look around tonight, right?
Look around.
No one's killing it in here.
(audience laughs)
Naw, you look all right,
but no one's like, "Wow, look at that guy."
And still, to look like this it took some doing, didn't it?
Yeah, you made choices, put things back.
- Came out of a horrible depression.
I know a lot of people go through it.
It's not uncommon.
Anyone go through that?
That type of depression where you gotta give yourself
a pep talk every morning, you know the type?
Where you wake up every morning
you gotta yell, "Belt around the waist,
not around the neck."
(audience laughs and groans)
Wow, more than I would have thought.
Or the train pulls into the station.
You got to gently back up against the wall.
"Don't do it, don't do it.
You got to wipe your hard drive first.
Don't do it."
(audience laughs)
And I'm glad I didn't do it,
so please, don't think I'm up here killing myself.
I'm just spit balling ideas with you.
(audience laughs)
First of all, I feel too good to even consider that.
But second of all, I've always been scared
not of being dead, but of attempting suicide and failing
because you're never in better shape
after a failed suicide attempt.
No one's ever like,
"You look great, have you been to the gym?"
Like, "No, I tried to kill myself, fuck."
"You really look good."
There's been dark moments.
There's been moments where, if in my mind,
I knew it would be fast, I would have done it.
There's been a lot of times where if I knew
that I could just jump in front of the train,
train dead, I would have taken that option.
But even in those sad moments
I knew I don't have that kind of luck.
(audience laughs)
I'm not graceful.
There would be something would go wrong.
You know, it wouldn't be quick.
Train dead.
Nope, it's dragging me, it's dragging me.
(audience laughs)
My fucking face would be bouncing over the railroad tracks.
They'd find me a mile down crumpled under a subway car.
"Relax sir, we're going to get you out."
"Oh, that's great news, fellas.
I have no feet or shoulders."
(audience laughs)
And I can see when I do this bit
a couple of people are kind of like,
"Ooh, come on, Jim, shoot yourself.
(audience laughs)
Why make everybody late for work?"
(audience laughs)
- I have no self-esteem.
Like, I don't have the architecture for good feelings.
You can give me a trophy.
It'll just slide right down.
Like, I just don't have the shelving.
In fact, I used to have to carry around an index card
of funny things I'd written or said or directed
just to try to remind myself that I was okay.
Depression feels like you're wearing a weighted vest.
I always felt like I was at a disadvantaged mood
or energy wise to my peers.
It was never life-threatening, it was just life dampening.
And the medication could take some of the weights
out of the vest, but I still came across people
as either bored or cold or superior,
none of which I wanted to come across as.
Although I'll tell you, you who always loved my attitude?
Black dudes, always.
Yeah, they'd be like, "Neal, man, you don't give a fuck."
And I always wanted to say, "Well that's because I'm sad."
(audience laughs)
I actually think black dudes appreciated
how openly sad I was
'cause black dudes aren't allowed to be sad in public.
The only way a black dude can openly express sadness
in public is if he does it with a saxophone.
(audience laughs)
So I think people with depression
have the reputation for feeling sorry for themselves
or that they fell into a bad mood
and were too lazy to get themselves out of it.
But believe me, when I tell you I'm not lazy,
nor did I approach this lazily.
Like, I went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
And if you don't know the difference
congrats for having a great life.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I became a vegan to feel better.
I quit smoking to feel better.
Pretty much every exercise plan there is
I tried to feel better.
Meditation, I went on a seven day silent meditation retreat.
Medication, I've tried every medication they have
and they all have side effects
whether it's weight gain, weight loss, nausea, grogginess,
memory loss, which for my job is not good.
And, and worst of all, dick stuff.
(audience laughs)
- I have to take a break from work 'cause I went mental
and my friend told me,
"Hey, you're talking a little too fast,
having a lot of shit ideas.
Why don't you get in my Ford Flex
and I'll motor you over to the public storage."
And I went into a psychiatric facility
which if you haven't been, don't feel bad if you go
and they are, they're uniformly awful.
You're not at the wrong one.
They're all bad, they're all bad.
It's as if an art director came in and said,
"Okay, I want to break five more chairs.
And then we need at least three pieces
taken out of every puzzle.
And the big screen TV, let's play it,
have it playing ultimate fighting championships
at maximum volume, lose the remote."
(audience laughs)
He sat me down with the psychi,
and he said, you know, the usual questions.
"Why are you here?"
"I have explicit plans to kill myself."
"Okay, great, pretty common.
What are the circumstances?"
"Every moment is unbearable."
"Uh, what kind of work do you do?"
"Ahh, I'm a comedian."
No response, felt so relieved.
And he went back to his little laptop
and some music came out of it.
And I was like, well, that was kind of weird but I get it.
A lot of times in a light booth right now
actually I have a little wimp video playing a baby tortoise
trying to eat a raspberry.
And it's just so when at work, when I get bored
(laughs maniacally)
I have something to cheer me up.
(audience laughs)
It doesn't affect my performance at all.
He turned the laptop around and he said, "Is this you?"
And I said, "Yes, clearly it's me
with more makeup and better material."
And he said, "I had to YouTube you,
because I was concerned that you were delusional."
Since when is it grandiose psychosis
to claim that in any way
you're involved in the entertainment industry?
It is simple courtesy
to wait until someone has left the room to IMDB them.
And it's not like I said I was Richard Pryor.
And had I claimed to be one of the finest comedians
of our past century and been able to perform anything
from his quintessential 1979 Long Beach standup special
or, perhaps more weirdly,
been able to quote some of his lesser known material
about the difference between beating white women
and black women?
Doesn't age well.
(audience laughs)
But the joke was on me
because the psychiatrist then put me on a mood stabilizer
whose primary side effects are cognitive,
making it almost impossible to think or talk.
Ho own, or should I say, "Oh no."
(audience laughs)
72 hours later, you know how it is, you've got to work.
Oh God, get back to work.
I'm working on stuff.
I'm really doing the inner work
so I can go back and get back up, back to work.
I found myself downtown Chicago, bleeding.
I'd lost all my identification and was making this noise:
aarrgghh.
I called my mother and said, "Erp."
She...
(audience laughs)
She said, "Honey, somehow, you know what,
somehow get to the airport,
tell
go to Delta priority.
Tell them you are gold medallion."
(audience laughs)
I did what my mother told me,
and it turns out points is not a bad form of health care.
(audience laughs)
- Even the people closest to you only get so close, right?
The people you sleep next to, only so close, right?
You got to give yourself little pep talks
in your head, all day long, like a crazy person
'cause you're the only one looking out for you.
"I got my wallet, got my cell phone, okay, okay.
Where are my keys, where are my keys, where are my keys?
Okay, I've got my keys.
All right, it's going to be a great day,
gonna be a great day."
(audience laughs)
The only difference between you and a crazy person
is they say it out loud on the street.
"I got my wallet, got my cell phone."
(audience laughs)
Gonna be a great day.
(audience laughs)
You're looking at him across the street, "This guy's nuts.
We don't yell like that, no, we don't.
We should get some ice cream."
(chuckles maniacally)
I don't know why we don't feel like we're doing great.
Right, you work hard, you do all the stuff
you're supposed to be doing.
You're doing your best,
and still you feel like it's not enough.
I think it's social media,
I think since social media came out.
Before social media, I thought I was kicking ass.
I really did.
And now every time I open my phone, someone's in my face.
"Are you killing it today?
Are you living a hundred percent maxed out energy?
Are you living your best life?"
No, I'm not.
I'm not doing any of those things because that's not normal.
I don't care what The Rock's Instagram says.
That's not normal.
(audience laughs)
You know what's normal?
How you feel right now.
Right now, in your funny little gassy bodies.
(audience laughs)
A little achy, a little tired, lightheaded,
taking deep breaths so you don't pass out
in front of your friends,
worried about your bills,
worried about how you're getting home,
worried about that thing you found on your ass.
(audience laughs)
That's normal.
And it's exhausting, and that's normal too,
being tired, which I know you are, all the time.
That is normal.
You don't need a five-hour energy drink.
You need to lay down once in a while.
(audience laughs, applauds and cheers)