- I'm an immigrant, surprise.
(audience laughs)
Okay, I'm legal.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(audience applauds)
Thank you so much, thank you so much, guys.
This is cool, isn't it? Right?
This is very cool.
This is going to be on the internet. Huh!
(audience laughs)
You guys been on there?
I love the internet, man.
The internet is awesome.
I actually met my boyfriend on the internet, not to brag,
but so what happened was I put up a YouTube video, uh-oh,
(audience chuckles)
and this guy commented and he said,
"This girl has loaf body,"
(audience laughs)
which of course means
that I have the body of a loaf of bread.
And so I said to myself, "Okay, this guy has some ideas."
You know?
(audience laughs)
We get to talking, all right.
And turns out we are engaged to be married.
(audience cheers)
Thank you!
He can't afford a ring or anything because he does not
do shit with his life.
(audience laughs)
But I love my incel boyfriend.
I'm so happy.
Okay.
(audience laughs)
You heard the part, it's a taping guys, come on.
Holy, you know?
Y'all believe in God?
Or sort of what's the vibe?
(audience laughs)
You know, I'll say this, I want to believe in God.
I want to so bad, but it's just hard with everything
that's going on in this goddamn world, right?
Anyone said that yet?
2020, more like, it's been no, it's been bad.
Right?
(audience laughs)
It's been a tough year.
I don't know if anyone else said that, I'll be the first
but I'd been a really tough one.
It's challenging every day.
If you want to keep your faith in a higher power
for example, right?
Get this the other day.
Right, I'm walking down the street.
I'm swinging my arms in this goddamn economy.
Huh? Two recessions in, trying to get somewhere
to make something of myself and walking,
this guy walks up behind me
and then I cup his dick and balls.
(audience laughs)
So, um...
Where was God?
(audience laughs)
Not there at that moment.
Little bit busy or something?
(audience laughs)
Well, I think when I first started,
I started doing improv
and I was like really afraid to like be on stage.
And I thought like, I'd get made fun of
and that was my whole thing.
I was like afraid.
And I was like, had this job,
I was really miserable at, I was a paralegal and yeah
it was like not good at it and like hated it.
But also I was like, "I guess I should try to
do something fun to make myself happy."
And I had a friend from college who did comedy
and they ended up moving to Chicago to pursue it.
And I was like, "You can do that?"
Like, you can just like follow your dreams.
I didn't know that.
I'm from the suburbs.
I'm like from an immigrant family,
like I never saw anyone like do art
and I didn't even think I could do it
but I always wanted to.
So then I just started doing these improv classes
and then a lot of people were like,
"Maybe you should do stand up."
And I was like, "Oh!" but I was really scared.
And then one day my friend just put me on a show
like at a bar.
It was like a bar show where it was like
everyone in the crowd was like performing on the show.
Like it was like, it was like a really easy place to start.
And it was like all friends.
And then I like, it went well the first time.
So I was like, "Oh wait, maybe this is like doable."
(audience laughs)
Yeah, you know, it's hard to be confident
in this day and age.
Do you guys feel me? Right?
Oh man.
I, you know, I'll say it I'll take
off the mask that society forces us to wear
and I'll say my self esteem, it's up and down.
(audience laughs)
You know, my self-esteem
it's sort of like former third party
presidential candidate, Gary Johnson running in 2016.
(audience laughs)
Sort of a very specific vibe, you know, as you recall
the 2016 election, pretty contentious one.
I don't know if anyone said that, but pretty tough one.
Gary Johnson, this nice old man, you know, he's running
on some kind of platform made of weed,
something sweet like that,
he's running and he's running so fast.
Right. He gets up on the national news
which is really like the big boy part of the whole pageant.
(audience laughs)
And the reporter says to him, "Hey Gary
how do you feel about Aleppo?"
And he goes, "What's up?"
(audience laughs)
And the reporter goes, "Are you being serious right now?"
And Gary, my guy, thinking on his feet,
he's like, "No, no, I love it."
(audience laughs)
And the reporter goes,
"You love the humanitarian crisis that has killed hundreds
of thousands of innocent civilians in Syria?"
And he goes, "What's up?"
(audience laughs)
So what I'm trying to say is that sometimes
I have the confidence of a white man
running third party for president
(audience laughs)
and other times I'm like, "What's Aleppo?" you know
it's hard to read a lot.
So very dense material.
So...
I'm an immigrant surprise.
Okay, I'm legal.
(audience laughs)
I'm not from this country
but I did grow up in the south.
So that's sort of what's going on with the fucked up accent.
Nothing we can do about it now, kind of wired in.
So, you know, it's awesome to be an immigrant, you know,
besides the part where everyone hates you and crap
but it's been great though, honestly.
I will say sort of like the tough part though,
this is like a tough part of the immigrant experience
is you begin to feel disconnected
to your ethnic identity, right?
You're like far away from the motherland.
You're spending your childhood years trying to assimilate
to American culture so that kids
at public schools stop making fun of you.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughs)
Social distancing, more like my childhood.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
It's a vibe and yeah.
So, you know, it's tough.
So I'm always craving a way to feel more connected.
Right? So I got pretty excited when my brother
told me he was going to do one of these 23andMe DNA tests,
you know, you ship them your piss,
they tell you who you're related to, things like that.
I thought only white people could do it
but it turns out anyone can.
Anyone with money.
So we got the results back.
And as it turns out
we're actually so Pakistani that we are 100% Indian.
(audience laughs)
So, you know, if you don't get that one
that's actually okay, because you know
we all have different lived experiences.
And if you're not a history buff or south Asian
that one just might not hit right.
(audience laughs)
So I do think it's good for society
if I just go ahead and unpack that joke real quick.
So what happened historically
(audience laughs)
is it actually used to be one big country, right?
And then, so there's a lot
of fighting between the different ethnic groups
and the British colonial rule comes in
and fucks everything up as they do.
(audience laughs)
And then they like sort of break everyone apart really fast.
They're like, "This will be chill."
It's really not, lots of death.
That it's really horrible.
And now it's part of the culture to hate each other.
So the reason why that joke is funny.
(audience laughs)
Is because it actually made my dad really upset
when he found out just how Indian we are
and that's really funny to me.
(audience laughs)
Wonderful man, shout out to him.
All right.
Well thank you guys so much,
have a great rest of your night! (audience cheers)
(upbeat music)