In a relationship, your assumptions matter. And there are 5 clear advantages if you assume
good intent. -That's right. -Can we take that on? -You bet, you bet.
-Emil Harker is the author of You Can Turn Conflict Into Closeness. And the number 1 strategy
that you've shared in this book email that I loved is that you assume good intent. -Right. -There's
some clear advantages to that. -Right. Most people worry about assumptions period. They want to avoid
assumptions. The reality is is we have them. -Right. -And what we want to do is instead of
assuming ill intent or finding fault. What we want to do is do something completely unnatural that is
to assume good intentions. Now, that's just not being positive. That's truly telling yourself the
story of the good intentions of the person who may have come across defensive or hurtful. So,
that's a skill. And the book walks you through how to develop that skill. Now, you can read the book,
you can get that information from Paul's website. But what I want to do is I want to
walk you through the 5 reasons why there's some good things that come out of using the tool of
the same good intent. -Clear advantages. And can I just say when I read this in your book,
I'm like, "I've got to get Emil over here to talk about this." Because I've been doing this
for a couple of decades now in my practice as I work with couples particularly. And check it out,
you don't know what someone's intention is. You don't know. But you assume. -We always assume.
-Right. And that drives your actions. So, this is powerful. And really since you don't know, why not
choose something that has some clear advantages. -Exactly. So, instead of taking counsel from our
insecurities that like to assume the ill intent in others, we're going to hijack that a little bit
we're going to assume the positive intentions. Now, the first reason why it's powerful is
when we assume intentions of others that are positive or good, what we're doing is we're
protecting ourselves from getting our feelings hurt. Now, that's nice. Imagine like teflon skin
over your heart that prevents you from being hurt by people when they're feeling
tired, upset, angry, crossed, lazy. Whatever it is, if we assume good intent, it prevents
us from getting our feelings hurt. -You know what? That's true even if you're wrong. -That's right.
It's beautiful that way. Okay. -And since you don't know... -Right, we don't know, we might as
will, okay? -Wow. -The next thing is... And this kind of goes along with not getting our feelings
hurt. But we want to keep our emotions in check. When we assume get intent, it prevents us from
getting angry. You can't get angry when you assume get intent. -If that's the place you're starting
from. -Right. -You can't get angry. Now, but what it does is, when you assume get intent and you
really come up with like reasons, not just try to be positive. Because that's fake. We have to
think what's going on in their life. When we use that story in assuming good intent,
it helps with the third advantage, okay? The third advantage of assuming is it helps us complain
in a way that hijacks their defenses. See, most of the time when we complain,
we drop the bomb of our disappointment, right? And what happens when you do that? The other
person doesn't say, "Thank you for your feedback." -"You're helpful." -Yeah, exactly. What they do is
they justify rationalize, minimize or explain away your complaint. -Because they're defensive now.
They're feeling attacked. -So, we hijack that defensiveness by assuming good intent. So,
if we can explain their intentions not justify their behavior. When we assume good intent
the story behind it, then they don't need to defend themselves.
-You know what? Before you share the other 2 advantages, it occurred to me that you're
really on safe ground here. Because check it out, other people are not that different from you.
And think about it. You always want to make things better. -Right. -Not worse. Well, so do they.
You might not agree with the particular strategy. -Right. Strategy might be off. -But they're
thinking about, "Hey, this would be better." You don't have to agree with that but just
notice that that you are coming from that place and it's very, very likely that other
people are as well. -I like that you say that because that's what creates that connection.
-Yeah. -That human connection, when we start to see maybe the flaws in ourselves that we see
in others, that creates a bonding moment. That bonding moment strengthens the relationship and
helps us work through those issues of differences. That's the beauty of what you're just saying is,
it's like us. We make these mistakes too. -We're more alike than we are different. -And we create
that connection, it creates an emotional strength in the relationship no matter who you're talking
with. It could be a total stranger, it could be your kid. -Well, it puts you personally in a
more powerful position right which I guess is one of the advantages. -That's right. We
want that leverage in a responsible loving way. -Right. -Alright. Ready for a couple more? -Yes.
-So, the fourth thing, Paul is that when we assume good intent, people naturally like us. Okay,
that's really nice. When you assume good intent, people like being around you because you're not
offended. There's not drama all over the place. And so when people talk to you and they share
what's going on in their life and you're always so positive, you become this magnet. A magnet
of closeness and influence with others. So, that's really nice. You want to be liked, right? Everyone
wants to be liked. And they can tell. They can tell what your assumptions are. -It's not like you
can cover it up by pretending that you're assuming good intent. You actually have to... -You can't
fake assuming good intent. -Right. -That's one of the things that helps us change our very nature.
And that's one of the reasons why this book is written, is it to give you techniques and tactics.
-Right. -But Dr. Gottman says we become more able to be loved when we do these principles.
-We're more lovable? -Yes. Which is nice. -And you're already pretty lovable. So, let's just
power that up a little bit. -Super boost it. The last one is we actually hold people accountable
for what they say and what they do. Alright? Now, let me walk you through this. -Yeah, I have
to think about that. -When someone says something passive-aggressive, a little hurtful, little poke,
right? -Yeah, jab. -We don't know what to say in those moments so we don't say anything.
Or we just get frustrated and go, "That was just not cool." When we assume good intent, what we do
is we translate what they say in a positive way. "Hey, I think what you're trying to say is..."
part A part B. Can I give you an example? -Yeah. -Okay. Yeah. So, it took me a couple of years
before I finally fixed the closet door in the hall. You know those accordion ones, right? The
boys bump into it... -On your list for a long time. -For a long time. So, I've been thinking
about how to respond to passive-aggressive behavior. Because I don't like getting angry and
resentful and don't say anything. But I also don't like being mean back. That's not helpful, right?
-Right. -So, I've been thinking about how am I going to respond to passive-aggressive behavior?
It happens all the time everywhere we go. People think that that's a free pass to be mean.
So, I thought of the strategy of translating it using assuming good intent. So,
here's the phrase that I got from my wife, okay? She's lovely but anyway, here's what happens.
I get done with my project. I'm feeling really good about it. I put all my tools
away. I've cleaned up the mess. I am a hero, okay? -Right. -And so, I'm done. I'm feeling
really good and I walk in the bedroom waiting for a parade and candy to show her appreciation.
And she says, "Gosh, Emil. It's sure nice to have that finally done." -Right. -Ooh! Right? Little...
But I had prepared for this moment. And so, what I did is I translated what she said in a
positive loving way. -Assuming positive intent. -"Hey, honey. I think what you're trying to say
is you're really glad that I got it done. But you're a little frustrated that took me so long."
How did she feel? Ooh and ahh, right? -Yeah. -She's going to feel, "Ooh, I shouldn't
have said that but thank you." When we correct each other's weaknesses, assuming good intent,
we strengthen the relationship with each other and our own self-esteem gets higher. -Emil, the last
thing your wife wants to do is make your marriage worse. -That's right. -Seriously. -Absolutely. So,
you assume that and then you approach her differently. And that took some humility. -Right.
-Okay? -I'm a big fan of humility which I think is giving up your need to be right in exchange for
being open. And this is a powerful tool to get us there. Wow, you can use these. Are you ready for a
free gift from Emil Harker? His book is available to you and it's got some of these powerful
concepts we've talked about today. -So, these secrets that are in the book, you can actually
go to the description below this video and that will take you to a link to get that for free.