I wanted to start this episode with a little story. I was sitting outside in
the sun, enjoying lunch, when at the table next to me were two delightful women
with a child. We started up a conversation about relationships, and one
of the women asked a heartfelt question. Her pain was visible when she asked with
watery eyes, "How can I stop dating people who are going to hurt me? I feel the need
to please everyone because I'm terrified of being alone." Her question involved a
serious way of thinking that tells you if you give enough, are pleasant enough,
agreeable enough, and are satisfied with whatever someone gives you, you'll be
loved. It seems SORT of rational, I guess. If you wanna be with someone, you can't
make too many demands or be yourself - they may leave! But this is a dangerous
thought process and, unfortunately, once it starts it's difficult to eliminate.
So why do people adopt this dangerous and exhausting way of thinking? Well some
were raised in families where their feelings weren't validated or noticed.
Sometimes they are the kids who grew up as rescuers or peacemakers in the family.
Assuming a particular role in childhood will limit your ability to express
honestly when you feel angry or sad. When you grow up in a family where you're
only valued when you have a smile on your face, you grow up feeling as though
your feelings don't matter. These children give to others to feel special,
and they often overdo their giving. They lose touch with what they feel or
want. When your acceptance depends on what you do for others, you stop taking
care of yourself and focus on finding someone you can be with who will
validate your purpose. When your value is based on finding a partner who will stay,
it's a no-win situation. Still unsure if you're a people pleaser?
Here are a few quick identifiers. Do you have trouble saying no without giving
numerous excuses? Always seem to be the one who apologizes? Never take time for
yourself because you're always helping someone else? Find yourself getting
used or taken advantage of in relationships? Do you go along with other
people's plans instead of voicing your own desires? Do you feel numb to your
own values - like you no longer have opinions and are codependent on someone else's?
Hold on to relationships even if they aren't good for you do you? Feel
like no one wants to be with you when you're having a bad day - like they only
want to hang around you if you're fun and happy? You CAN change the cycle.
Success begins with you getting serious about creating new self-talk and
re-parenting to restore your confidence and self-worth. The most important
relationship you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself so let's start
the Reaction Reset to take back control in who you invest your time in. First of
all, get a mirror and practice saying no. You may feel ridiculous, but the mirror
is going to defuse your fear of becoming a monster for saying no. Saying no is
difficult for many people, but it's much easier through text or social media.
When you say no, keep it simple; the less details or excuses the better. Remember
you don't have to justify your no to others. Secondly, begin a policy of
self-love by scheduling two dates for you during the week. They can be for
pampering, hobbies, spiritual interests, or exercise. Keep those dates no matter what.
Thirdly, practice this mantra: "I'm not being selfish I'm practicing healthy
self-care." Say it out loud regularly. When someone your with shows you
disrespect, instead of smiling or laughing it off...pause.
If you cannot tell them to their face that what they said hurt you, go
home and write about it. Tell them why it hurts and why you won't
tolerate it in your relationship anymore. Share it with them if at all possible.
If not, rehearse it out loud to yourself; this helps change the self-talk in your
brain, which will change your current and future relationships.
Lastly, talk to a therapist. A therapist can help you by validating your feelings,
which will help you understand yourself and release feelings you've disowned as
unacceptable or unworthy. No one deserves to live their life as someone else's doormat.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.