Hello little buns! It is Stef, welcome back to my home.
Before I get into the actual topic of this video which you can so plainly see above me -
I need to let you know that I'm feeling rather sick, so if I'm nasally, that's not normal!
That's all. I also want to let you know that what I'm wearing is not real, it's is fake.
So don't be mad at me. Thank you very much.
I've been thinking about doing this video for a little bit more than a week, and then Gigi posted-
"I am a lesbian" and I was like damn, Gigi you beat me to the punch! She's got a lot more experience than me, mind you
like I'm gonna just, I'm gonna go over a few things here, okay.
In my entire history and life, I have never had a sexual encounter with a woman, nor a romantic encounter,
nor have I had a third party sexual experience with a woman, if you know what I mean by that.
So I'm not speaking from experience but more from the heart, I'm speaking from my shifting understanding
of my existence, I guess. What I've come to understand is basically
gender to me does not really matter. And that's why I'm not sure if I should be considering myself bisexual
or pansexual or what have you. The thing that comes to mind is that it doesn't need to be labeled.
which- sounds so cis to me, like "labels- we're all human!"
Which is true, but like also we have varying degrees of privilege, and un-privilege, that , you know, can tribute to
difficulties or stresses in our lives, and also you know, it's important, okay! Categories totally exist for a reason,
and race and sexuality are real things, okay. But there's not a thing in my head where I'm like "I'm this", you know it doesn't come to me, you know...
It's not coming, it's like stuck in traffic or something I guess, I don't know.
What I'm trying to tell myself is that it's okay that I'm not sure.
it's not even that I'm not sure, but it's okay that I don't want to put a word on it, I guess. Because for me
I understand putting a word on it, or a label, if you're claiming something, if it's like something like-
"Yes this is power for me, I'm powerful and this is no longer something you can use to hurt me", like that is totally... woah, cool, yes!
But I'm not in a part of my life where I'm being harassed for my sexuality. Maybe now I will be, who knows!
But the way I'm understanding myself is basically I am like super open to having relationships
with people that intrigue me, okay. Gender is not something that I consider anymore.
And like in the past I probably wouldn't have considered it if I had not been held down so tightly and told
"You have to choose! This is the path that you take, and if you deviate from it, you're wrong! This is a boardgame!"
Life is not a boardgame! Life is not a boardgame, you don't draw a card that says "you have to do THIS", you draw a card and it's blank,
and you just decide what to do with it. That is every single event in your life.
What I want to make you understand is this little card-life analogy, we do not have a blueprint, life should not be blueprinted, it should not be planned so meticulously, because
we don't know! Anything! At all! Ten years ago I would've told you I knew exactly who I was,
I know exactly what everything is gonna happen like, and I was wrong as hell.
And you were wrong as hell, my parents were wrong as hell, Lady Gaga was wrong as hell,
Everybody was wrong as hell. Beyonce was wrong as hell. Probably- it's good that she was wrong
'cause she's doing hella good, you know what I mean?
Coming back to the Gigi Gorgeous video, and like I don't really like talking about people like
this because they're real, but I'm not saying anything bad so it's like fine, okay
Back when I was a wee babe, like literally when I was 13, she started transitioning on youtube- was I 13?
I don't know how old I was. How old is she? Doesn't matter. When I was a wee babe!
Before I knew I was trans she started transitioning, she was the only contact I had with a trans person
so in a way I relate to her because I've seen her growth, and this new video of hers shows a lot more
growth, and I'm very impressed. I guess i don't know how to describe that, I'm just very impressed with Gigi's growth
as a human being, and I find it inspiring, so that's great. That being said, I just don't anyone to think that I'm
hopping on some kind of transgender woman lesbian train, because that doesn't exist, it's fake okay
There are plenty of transgender women on all kinds of parts of the sexuality spectrum, if you will
By no means is Gigi the only one, okay, not at all. I think somebody said this, I think on one of my live streams, they said
they're not sure what to label themselves, they just call themselves queer and open to date whoever
and like okay that's pretty cool, but I'm pickier than that I guess, I don't know what to say. I think
why I'm uncomfortable- not uncomfortable, I'm just like- I'm not sold on calling myself bisexual
or pansexual, is because for me it's not about the sexuality, and I'm not saying that I'm asexual,
or that I don't enjoy sex or that sex is not important to me , 'cause that's not true either,
but it's definitely secondary to a human connection to me. I think that's pretty normal, to be fair
like I think it's pretty normal. Not that it's abnormal to not like human affection or connections like that, but
I think that it's not weird for people to like human connection, you know what I mean?
So I don't think that that puts me in any other category, it's just very confusing okay
My brain is all fucked up right now. And I'm not like upset about it, I'm just learning about myself,
it's like a new phase. A new phase. It's a phase! "It's not a phase, mom! I'm a scene kid forever!"
It's not that, it's not that. It's like, I feel like I'm learning about myself, and in this era of my life,
in this portion of my life, I'm learning about sexuality... on a sexual spectrum, okay.
and my desires as a person and... this is a pretty common experience for transgender women
If you are going to transition, if transition is something you're going to do, expect your mind to
shift a little bit, with lots of things. And that's not to say that taking hormones changes your sexuality,
but when you transition, and you become more comfortable with who you are, you open up to yourself
way more. I've learned some much more about myself since I started transitioning than I ever did
in the 20 years before that. 19 years? 19 years before that, whatever. It's crazy. It's crazy!
It's crazy my friends! I don't think I would've have really undrstood that this is really something in my head
unless I had been around friends that were so supportive and also open with their...I guess their sexuality
but their life, who they are as a person, that is more accurate to say I feel, I wanna say thank you to everyone
that I've ever met in my entire life, literally, not even kidding, because every single
person that you meet in your life is going to contribute to how you see the world.
What I want you to understand is that, you know everybody has a different experience,
with attraction and with desire, and if yours shifts, or your understanding of it shifts over time
that's okay, that's totally normal, and we're all in this weird journey on this planet
together, because you know, like... what even are we doing here?
And if this made you think a little bit, about maybe your own feelings about certain things then that's
great, because I think that we could all fo more thinking about everything. About everything.
I promise I'm not intoxicated or under the influence of any drugs, I'm purely sick, and
tired. Not in the angry way, I'm just actually sick and tired. But it's okay!
With that I'm gonna let you go, I really enjoyed this talk we had, I guess I'm bisexual
pansexual, or something. Who knows? I'll see you again later, thank you so much, until next time. Remember you
are strong and capable and super cool, and what are you this time... ooh, you're like those bamboo plants you can buy at the store,
that you can forget to water for like two months and then you water them again, and they're still
strong and they grow. Because you are resilient as hell, and you don't need watering all the time, you probably do because you're a human being and we will die much faster
than a bamboo plant... I love you so much bye!