• From guns on your belt to rockets that explode into a million pieces, we count 15
outrageously harmful children's toys 15 - Battlestar Galactica Colonial Viper,
• Here we have the toy that actually started the choking hazard trend - the vehicle itself
is fine, but the "pretend laser torpedo" is the problem here
• Some 4-year-old kid shot it down his throat, possibly because he was trying to swallow
the whole ship, he then promptly choked to death
• Mattel, the producers of the toy, were sued and ever since all small toys need a
bright sticker on it that says "don't try to eat this ya fool"
14 - Creepy Crawlers, • 1964, "what kind of toys do kids want
these days?
Oh, I know, an oven that produces unbearable, 150 degrees of skin-peeling heat - they'll
LOVE it" • The creepy crawler oven had little kids
molding spiders and bugs out of plastic and heating them up to solidify
• Unfortunately, it exerted toxic, deadly fumes and burnt the flesh off their hands
because they could reach in at any time to fiddle with the hot plate
13 - Austin Magic Pistol, • The 1950s, every kid likes a pretend pistol,
but only hardcore kids can wield this explosive hand-cannon that shoots actual fireballs
• It's designed to propel ping pong balls by mixing calcium carbide with water, which
then creates an flaming explosion, which, when you really break it down, is essentially
a gun • Apparently in the 1950s, it was totally
fine to sell children a gun - but I guess when you look at how many school shootings
there have been lately - has anything really changed?
12 - Hannah Montana Pop Star Card Game, • What could possibly be dangerous about
a simple card game?
Are paper cuts really that bad?
No, try the second most deadly household toxin in existence - lead
• These cards contained 75 times more lead than the law-permitted maximum, and even after
we discovered this fact, they still hadn't been taken off the shelves
• Why?
Because the lead was found in the vinyl, not inside paint, and thus there was a loophole
in the regulations • Thanks Miley Cyrus
11 - Cabbage Patch Snacktime Dolls, • Like something out of a Goosebumps horror
novel, these dolls will mechanically chew any substance that makes its way into its
mouth • They were originally supposed to pretend
to eat plastic foods, but they soon began feasting on little kids' fingers, and one
girl who was virtually scalped along the back of her head when a doll started gnawing on
her hair • And the most chilling part - these dolls
have no off switch, the only way to stop their carnivorous rampage is the smash them into
dust 10 - Belt Guns,
• In the 50s, kids were able to replace the buckle on their belt with this contraption,
in which you thrust with your stomach, and a miniature gun pops out
• It fired small pellets, but the problem was it was also a cap gun, so it would make
an exploding sound - unfortunately, some unlucky kids had it randomly explode on their shlong
• You don't exactly look manly when you thrust forward, and an exploding belt burns
your dick off - we have a word for that, it's called, stupid
9 - Slip N' Slide, • A lot of you will have played on one of
these, and for the most part it's fine for kids, unless you forgot to moisten the slide
enough, in which case it becomes a slip n' go to the hospital
• No, the problem comes in when a teenager or adult tries to use it - since the slide
is so short and the stop is incredibly abrupt, a number of adults have been paralyzed from
spine damage • I would make a witty comment here but
I think we should all take a moment to feel sad about all these ruined lives and folks
who died by a sloppy ride on the slip n' slide 8 - Sky Ranger Park Flyer Radio Control Airplanes,
• All remote control airplanes have the potential to hit some elderly people, break
their face or kill them to death, but the Sky Ranger is particularly nasty
• Instead of merely hitting people and stunning them for a moment, the Sky Ranger will hit
you and explode into a ball of flame - with reports of burns, eye lacerations and permanent
deafness • It's a great way to spend your weekend
7 - Magnetix, • This was a building set like magnetised
legos, in which you could break them open and a bunch of small magnets would fall out
• Kids would naturally eat these and they'd connect with each other through the tissue
walls, joining intestines to vital organs and squeezing them together
• After one baby died, the manufacturer said NOPE, that doesn't happen, no sir
• After 34 more kids were injured, they were pulled from store shelves and rebranded
as MagNext 6 - Splash Off Water Rockets,
• 1997, for a short period stores sold this portable death trap, a rocket you fill with
water until the pressure builds up too much and it rockets off
• Unfortunately, the rocket would often not take off, and instead detonate, hurling
shards of now-deceased rocket throughout the flesh cavities of your small children
• At least 37 accounts of people suffering lacerations to various body parts were recorded
• I'd love to see how these guys would fare working for NASA, doubt they'd be able to
build half a ladder without it exploding in an astronauts face
5 - Moon Shoes, • Oh what's that?
You've got ADD so intense that you need to bounce around the neighbourhood on trampoline
shoes?
• Awesome, here's a pair made entirely of metal, ones that could cave in a dogs ribcage
with minimal effort so you can dance around the streets like an idiot
• Oh no, you've broken your ankle because you didn't land properly, I'm sure that won't
happen again 500 more times, uh oh, you misjudged your jump and fell off a cliff
• What a loss 4 - Gilbet Glass Blowing,
• The 1950s, a time before toy manufacturers developed an fully formed adult brain, some
marketing wizard decided that young boys need to learn how to heat glass at 500 degrees
celcius with no safety equipment or supervision • No, as long as you read the instruction
booklet back to front, wore fireproof gloves and prayed to Satan that the flimsy plastic
goggles would protect your eyes from searing molten heat - everything would turn out fine,
right?
• Spoilers: Na 3 - Wego Kite Tube,
• An inflatable tube that a boat would pull behind and make it fly like a mid-air surf
board • It worked, for sure, too well though - it'd
soar 30 feet in the air, a child would fall off, land on anything but water and die
• The people that bought this product were likely unaware that there's this similar thing,
it's called a jet ski, the main difference being that you won't fall 30 feet and die
2 - Socker Boppers, • Gotta get them kids trained up for their
glorious boxing careers, but we can't practice with lame pillow fights, oh no, let's give
them inflatable pain devices and let the kids fuck each other up
• They were advertised as safe wrestling toys but they very quickly become violence-enablers,
dulling the impact for a fist but with all the force of a punch coming at you endlessly
• "Oh hey, how did your son die again?
Ah that's right, we bopped him to death, we bopped his goddamn face off, but we all had
fun and that's what counts" 1 - Fisher-Price Power Wheels Motorcycle
• You might think, hmm, a motorcycle for kids, what could possibly go wrong?
But it's surprisingly safe, kids just sometimes run it into oncoming traffic because they're
stupid • Power Wheels though, sometime it would
suffer any drivers worse nightmare, your kid will be driving along, maybe going down a
nearby hill, and suddenly his accelerator would jam
• He'd travel faster and faster until bam, his bike starts to fly and he gently ascends
towards the sunset • When in reality, your kid has fucking
died and you now need to write on his tombstone, cause of death: fisher-price toy