- How’s your first impression of me now
different than your impression of my profile?
- You look much better in person.
- Thank you.
- You put some scary pictures on there,
and I know you did on purpose.
- What?
- The one where you're like, holding the baby?
- I didn't think it was scary.
- Oh it was so awful!
- It wasn’t meant to be scary!
Oh my goodness!
- Yeah, I was like, wow.
- Wait, what were you scared of?
- I don't know.
The double chin. I don't know.
- Oh. Oh, OK, I was
I just figured, it was like, well it’s—
- It was silly.
- It’s definitely not my kid.
- It was silly, but...
- Okay.
So it's scary before,
I'm less scary now?
- No, you're beautiful.
- Thank you! - So yeah,
It's much of very
pleasantly surprising.
- I appreciate it. - Yep.
Choose five words to describe
what you think having sex with me would be like.
- Um...
- Awesome!
Energetic,
probably athletic,
um, sweaty and pleasing.
- You say that while you have
“Call Mom” written on your hand.
- It's my mom's birthday.
I remember it as it was filling out the paperwork.
It was like, I better remember
because today is her birthday.
- Well, happy birthday to your mom.
- Thank you.
- What’s the one thing on my OkCupid profile
that made you want to go on a date with me?
- You didn't seem boring.
You seemed very far from it.
So at the very least,
I thought you would be an interesting person to meet.
- Same.
- What's something about you that would surprise me?
- I've talked with my roommate about this, about like where...
I have a cat.
I've had him for I think 11 years,
and found him on the street as a kitten.
And a lot of people are like,
if a guy has a cat,
there's something wrong with him. But...
- Oh, I didn't know,
I didn't know that until you told me.
- So I have this big ass cat that I've had for 11 years.
- Cool. Is he mischievous?
- So mischievous.
Do you have any pets?
- I do.
His name is Sonic the Hedgehog...
- Why, is he a hedgehog?
- He is blue, and he's a fish.
He's a beta fish.
And he's quite...
He thinks he's a dog.
When I come home, he rushes up to the glass,
and starts freaking out like everywhere.
And his fins go nuts,
like as if they're tails that he's wagging.
He's like, “You want to play with me, don't you?
It's time to feed me!”
- How do you play with a Beta Fish?
- He's really smart.
Actually, I've taught him how to high five.
He also can play chase,
and I have a bingo bracelet
that goes into his tank and he'll...
I’ll like, have him swim through it,
a few times before I feed him.
He, depending on how you look at it, you could say that
he's either romantic or horny
because they— - That disturbs me.
- He blows bubbles with his saliva,
in anticipation of getting a girlfriend.
- So there's not the girl in there?
- No, there's no girl.
But like if a girl were to come along,
like they do it to be ready.
- After reading your profile,
I can definitely understand that
that's something you would research.
- Well, no, I got him on a whim.
- No, you would research the mating ritual and like,
all the information you need to know
ever about a beta fish.
- Yeah, after I got it, I was like, “Why is he doing that?”
How many people do you think I've slept with?
- That’s more of a second date question.
- Okay. - But...
15 and a half.
- Um, no.
Somewhere in the sixties.
- Oh, wow. - I have a spreadsheet.
- You have a spreadsheet? - I have a spreadsheet.
- I've thought about starting one of those.
- I think it's the more responsible thing to do
- It probably is.
You know who to call if you have a scare.
- Yeah... Yeah.
Um, so my turn?
- Am I allowed to ask you the question?
Do you mind if I ask you a question, I should say?
- Um. That’s a second date question.
- Alright. End first date.
Now starts the second date. - Okay.
Well, yeah. It's not something I would say on camera.
- Okay.
- Less than you, though. - Okay.
- Not like exponentially less than you, but less than you.
- Okay.
- What do you think I'm scared of in a relationship?
- Actually, you seem to like adventure like me.
And I suspect that you would maybe be afraid that
that your adventure would be over in a relationship.
- That's a very astute observation.
I don't think I've come to terms with that myself,
so thank you for stating that.
- I just divined what you would be afraid of.
- Yeah, I couldn't, I could never put words on it,
but I think that's true.
- What do my responses on OkCupid
say about me that I'm not aware of?
Ooh, that's good.
I guess it's like, what's my blind spot?
What did you already figure out about me
that I'm like, oh.
- Yeah, but that could have been a
misjudgment.
- Could be.
Well, actually, you already told me that
my photo... - Was scary?
Your last two pictures.
- Which I didn't realize that I looked scary.
- Yeah, I definitely had a lot of people go to your profile.
- Wait, you had other people go through
my profile on your behalf?
- No, no. I was like, this is what I'm doing.
This is the girl I'm going to see.
Like, what do you think? And like...
Did you not do that?
Did you tell your friends?
- No.
- Oh, yeah. Like 20 people know.
- So....
- I have like a bunch of phone calls
I gotta make after this.
- Oh, my goodness. - Yeah.
- Wait, you know, you realize you should have me
pick up the phone when they call you?
- Oh, that's clever.
- I’ll be like, “I'm sorry. He's not here.
He's already given his whole life to me.”
- Oh shit.
Oh, God. Let's do that,
Let's get a drink after we do that.
If we never met again,
what's one thing you never want me to forget?
- Here, you can never forget my scarf.
- Is it actually yours?
- It's really mine.
Totally. - Soft.
- Yeah.
- Oh, is it like a like a cape thing?
- I would say like a shawl.
I mean, I guess I could Superman in it, but—
Or Wonder Woman in it.
- The term ‘Superman’ is...
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
I think I would Superman if I was a guy. I really do.
I hope that...
- Alright, we’re definitely hanging out after this.
- Have you ever Supermanned?
- I’ve never Supermanned.
- What?
That would be, I mean that's on the list of,
you know, when guys say, “If I was a girl, like what
I would do all day is probably like feel up my boobs.”
If I was a guy, I'd be like I would go to the
bathroom and Superman.
- Okay, we need to urban
dictionary the term of Superman, because mine's
completely different than what you're thinking.
- Oh, yeah. Educate me.
- Yeah. No, I'll tell you later.
- But I'll tell you mine, it's...
- Okay, what’s yours?
- It’s being able to go to a urinal
and not hold on to anything, you just
put your hands on your hips and let loose.
- Okay, so it was a...
I can't tell you.
I can’t! - Okay.
- Well, of course, yeah.
I Supermanned before I came in,
- I would just want to see if I could physically do it.
- Of course.
- Without getting everybody dirty.
- I mean, you can super squat if you wanted.
- I don't think that counts.
- I don't know what you would call that.
- Superman wouldn't do that.
If we were in a relationship,
what do you see yourself doing that would end it?
Uh, my M.O. is pushing someone away.
- How?
- In the past it's just
I realize it's not going
the way that I see it going, and then I just
start pushing you away. It's...
I don't know. I got to get better just ending things.
Not like pushing people back.
- Mhm. - Um,
I'm very aware of it, but...
- Do you dislike confrontation?
- Yes.
Especially hurting anyone
and hurting women. Like, to see a girl cry
is like the worst thing that I could ever experience.
- So would you break up like text? Be like,
“Sorry, it's over, bye.”
- Probably. 10 year relationship,
“All right, see you later.” Yeah.
- Wait, I shouldn't be laughing at this, I'm sorry.
- I just, I don't like confrontation.
- So if you saw me cry, what would you do?
How would you feel?
- One of myfriends called a girl crying blackmail,
because the second a girl starts crying,
it's just like, I'm sorry.
I don't. Okay, okay. Bye.
That's my fault.
It’s just blackmail.
A girl crying is like the most like
emotionally charged thing.
Like it's, it's hard to watch.
- What if you knew that she was trying
to manipulate you with her tears?
- Well, hopefully I'd be able to tell at that point.
But if it's, if it's true, I destroyed this woman.
- Mhm. - It just like eats at me.
- Mm.
- What would our second date be like?
- There’d probably be more privacy.
- Hopefully.
Unless you want to get some weird voyeur stuff.
- There would probably be more privacy.
- If you were to seduce me,
how would you do it,
and why do you think it would work?
I'm going to laugh no matter what you say.
- Yeah, I’m gonna laugh no matter what I say.
I think probably 80 percent,
90 percent of seduction is
body language and physical.
So I don't know if I'd have to say anything,
that's more touching in the right places and
saying the right things in your ear.
- Where would you touch me?
- Your lower back. Your arm.
And then eventually your butt.
I don't know. Your face, the nape of your neck.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- I just wanted to see you squirm by asking that.
- But you, you were able to handle it.
- Appreciate it.
- Do you want to read this
since it's going to go to both of us?
- Oh. What, have you read it yet?
- No, I haven't seen it.
- Do you feel chemistry?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Well there you go, that was easy.
- We can go grab a drink after this.
Talk about all the mistakes we made.
- We didn't make any mistakes.
That was perfect. Great.
- Didn’t make any mistakes? Perfect, alright, great.