>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
HEY I HAD TO LOUIS AND ST. VINCENT AND EVERYONE IN STAY
HUMAN.
THERE YOU GO.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: LOUIS, HAPPY MONDAY.
>> OH HAPPY MONDAY.
>> Stephen: AS IF I HAVE TO ASK, WHO ARE WE HONORED TO HAVE
SITTING WITH THE BAND TONIGHT.
>> MY GOODNESS, HONORED IS A GOOD WORD FOR IT BECAUSE WE HAVE
THE INCOMPARABLE, THE EVER CREATIVE INDIVIDUAL ST. VINCENT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: THAI SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A QUESTION, YOU WERE BORN IN TULSA, RIGHT?
DO YOU STILL HAVE FAMILY THERE?
>> I DO IN FACT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE THEY KEEPING COOL IN THE HEAT BECAUSE
IT IS LIKE A HUNDRED DEGREES FOR LIKE TEN DAYS DOWN THERE?
>> WELL, I THINK THERE'S AIR CONDITIONING.
>> Stephen: OH.
RIGHT, I FORGOT.
I FORGOT.
YOU JUST HAVE TO BUILD TUNNELS FROM HOUSE-TO-HOUSE LIKE A HABIT
TRAIL AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: ST. VINCENT, EVERYBODY.
(APPLAUSE) NOW THIS IS NOT THIS YEAR BUT
THIS IS MOST RENAL BUM IS DADDY'S HOME.
DADDY'S HOME.
RELEASED TO UNIVERSAL ACCLAIM, RELEASED TO UNIVERSAL ACCLAIM.
NOW ALSO TONIGHT WE HAVE FROM THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE
CONGRESSMAN JAMIE RASKIN WILL BE OUT HERE.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I AM ALL ABOUT TECH.
I'M SO PROFICIENT ON MY iPHONE THAT I CAN CALL PEOPLE JUST BY
USING MY BUTT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW I'M DOING IT.
OR HOW IT EVEN UNLOCKS.
IS THERE REALLY THAT LITTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY BUTT AND
MY FACE?
AND I LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST TECH DEVELOPMENTS IN
MY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT, "CYBORGASM!"
(APPLAUSE) FIRST UP, RUSSIA, WHERE IT'S
BLEAK, BUT IT'S ALSO SCARY.
DURING A CHESS TOURNAMENT IN MOSCOW, "A CHESS ROBOT GRABBED
AND BROKE THE FINGER OF ITS SEVEN-YEAR-OLD OPPONENT."
THE CHILD "APPARENTLY MOVED HIS PIECE TOO SOON, AND THE ROBOT
GRABBED HIS FINGER AND SQUEEZED IT, CAUSING A FRACTURE."
IT'S THE WORST EXAMPLE OF A ROBOT COMPETITOR BECOMING
VIOLENT SINCE WATSON STRANGLED KEN JENNINGS.
YOU'LL BE GLAD TO KNOW THE CHILD IS OKAY, AND THE PRESIDENT OF
THE MOSCOW CHESS FEDERATION, SERGEY LAZAREV, RESPONDED TO THE
INCIDENT, SAYING "THE ROBOT BROKE THE CHILD'S FINGER.
THIS IS OF COURSE BAD."
THAT IS THE MOST RUSSIAN RESPONSE EVER.
IN FACT, THIS IS WHAT THEIR CONDOLENCE CARDS LOOK LIKE.
"YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD.
THIS IS, OF COURSE, BAD."
NEXT UP, THERE'S A NEW RESTAURANT IN BROOKLYN BRAGGING
ABOUT THEIR TRENDY NEW ROBOT CAT THAT WILL SERVE YOU DIM SUM, AND
HERE'S A LOOK AT THE SUPPOSED CAT ROBOT IN ACTION.
THAT'S NOT A CAT!
THEY JUST PROGRAMMED DIGITAL WHISKERS ON AN AIR PURIFIER.
THE DESIGNERS HAVE CLEARLY NEVER MET A CAT.
A REAL ROBOT CAT WOULD KNOCK OVER YOUR DRINKS, WALK ACROSS
YOUR PLATE, THEN SHOW YOU ITS BUTT HOLE.
WHICH WOULD UNLOCK ITS PHONE.
NEXT UP ON THE 'GASM: "ROCKET SCIENTISTS HAVE BUILT A
MOBILE PIZZA ROBOT."
CURRENTLY THE ROBOT APPEARS TO BE EARTHBOUND, AND IS DESCRIBED
AS "A FULLY-AUTOMATED, FULLY-ENCLOSED MOBILE PIZZA
MAKER," WHERE "EVERY STEP OF THE PIZZA-BUILDING PROCESS IS
COMPLETED BY A SOPHISTICATED COMBINATION OF ROBOTIC ARMS AND
CONVEYER BELTS."
MMMMM.
JUST LIKE GRANDMA'S ROBOTIC ARMS AND CONVEYOR BELTS USED TO MAKE.
AGAIN, SCIENTISTS, THE CANCER.
I TAKE IT WE'VE GOT THAT LICKED?
NEXT UP IN THE 'GASM, BIG CHANGES ARE COMING TO AMERICA'S
PAST-TIME, BECAUSE "MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLANS TO INTRODUCE
ROBOT UMPIRES," PART OF A LEAGUE-WIDE "EFFORT TO MAKE
BASEBALL MOVE FASTER."
IN FACT, "ROBOT UMPIRES LOP NINE MINUTES OFF THE LENGTH OF AN
AVERAGE GAME."
SO BASEBALL GAMES WILL NOW ONLY LAST FOREVER MINUS NINE MINUTES.
(APPLAUSE) , NEXT UP, I'M ENJOYING THESE
JOKES A LOT.
NEXT UP, THERE'S GOOD NEWS IF YOU'RE NOT SURE HOW YOUR CHICKEN
IS FEELING, BECAUSE A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS IN HONG KONG HAVE
"CREATED A NEW A.I. THAT CAN ACCURATELY DETECT DISTRESS
NOISES FROM CHICKENS."
WHY WOULD YOU INVENT THAT?
I THINK WE CAN GUESS HOW THE CHICKENS ARE FEELING.
NOT GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST INVENT A MACHINE THAT TELLS US IF COWS
REMEMBER THEIR MOMS?
-- I KNOW, I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY YOU DO.
YOU ARE FEELING, THAT A-W-W IS THE BASIS OF THIS ENTIRE JOKE.
SAINTS VINCENT, I DIDN'T ASK YOU BUT IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU ARE
A VEGAN.
>> I DID THAT ONCE BUT I'M NOT.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CONGRESSMAN JAMIE
RASKIN.